The poetry of Glenn Beck

Every day the Fox News pundit feels the pain and suffering of average Americans. Now it's time to experience his free verse.


The poetry of Glenn Beck


Somebody said let’s make Swedish meatballs at the furniture store
And somebody else said, that’s a stupid idea; nobody’s going to want meatballs at the furniture store.
And the first guy on that first day, his ass was on the line.
And so one customer came for lunch, he knew he had to get rid of the meatballs
And he was like, yeah, you want meatballs from the furniture store?
And they’re like, yeah, I guess; my wife has been dragging them around forever.
Anything. Just whatever. I was thinking about eating an ottoman
A little while ago but then meatballs has actual meat in it
And then the guy behind the counter said, well, I’m not really sure
But ya, ya, sure. So then he takes the meatballs
And he has to put them on a huge plate
Because he has to get rid of them.
Otherwise, you know, the big Swede is going to say
That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
And so now that one fat guy who had the big bowl of meatballs
Now buys all of his furniture there and has told all of his fat friends,
Buy your furniture there because your wife will walk around
And you’ll have an hour worth of eating meatballs
And that’s what happened.

(“The Glenn Beck Program,” Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 21, 2007)

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It’s time to stop playing
Games in this country.
It is time to actually believe
In something. I do.
I know you do as well.
Believe in something.
Even if it’s wrong.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 11, 2009)

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As they were describing him, what they said was,
Here is a guy who felt that he had been wronged.
He didn’t feel comfortable talking to anybody.
He was disgruntled and everything else.
And then he went out and shot a bunch of people.

As they were describing him, and they said,
You got to go, now more than ever,
You got to start talking to people,
You have to start connecting with people
Because, they’re going in hard times, yada, yada, yada.

As I’m listening to the description,
First of all, this guy is a psycho, clearly, he’s a psycho.
But as I’m listening to him, I’m thinking
About the American people that feel disenfranchised
Right now, that feel like nobody’s hearing their voice.

The government isn’t hearing their voice; even if you call,
They don’t listen to you on both sides; if you’re a conservative,
You are called a racist; you want to starve children,
Yada, yada, yada, they’re, and every time they do speak out,
They are shut down by political correctness.

How do you not have those people turn into that guy?

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 12, 2009)

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Put these people in jail, put these people in jail,
Put them in jail, what is wrong with us;
We knew this guy was in the country,
He was — he has been in the country
And extradited before; we have thrown him
Out of the country, then we brought him back, and
Then we threw him out and he came back again;
What the hell is wrong with us, what is wrong with us.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 11, 2009)

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We’ve got time to write tickets, we’ve got time to write tickets,
Have the police officers write tickets, you know why; because

That way, the city has money that they can bribe people
To vote for them; they don’t want to enforce these laws

Because they want more votes; you know it happens every time;
They’re doing it to the border patrol, they’re doing it to the cops,

They’re doing it to our soldiers, every single time we have somebody
Wear our uniform with our name and put them in harm’s way,

We don’t support them; why, because of some stupid politician;
I’ve had enough. I have had enough. Michael, thank you very much.

We’ll talk to you on this; please follow this story for us;
We’ll talk to you again; you know, this is why we’re doing the show on Friday.

(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 11, 2009)

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Tomorrow: More of Glenn Beck’s greatest poems, including “Chocolate Milk” and “Bat Snot.”

Hart Seely is a reporter for the Syracuse Post-Standard. His works have appeared in the New Yorker, New York Times, on National Public Radio and in National Lampoon. He is author of "Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard," and editor of "Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld." Tom Peyer has written for DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Wildstorm and Bongo Comics. Seely and Peyer co-edited "O Holy Cow! The Existential Verse of Phil Rizzuto."

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