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Amazon reviewers think this masterpiece sucks
From "The Grapes of Wrath" to "1984" -- some amateur critics just can't stand the classics
A version of this post first appeared on Jeanette DeMain’s Open Salon blog.
I tend to use Amazon more as a resource about books than to actually purchase books. I can find publishing dates, latest editions, cover art and synopses. I can also read several pages of a book I might be interested in ordering, and I like the age recommendations if I am shopping for a young person. But, above all, I am always drawn to the reader reviews, especially reviews of books I have already read myself. A well-written review will often crystallize something about a book that I have had a hard time putting into words. I’ve gained a lot of understanding from the people who take the time to do thoughtful reviews on Amazon, and I am grateful to all of those unknown critics.
Then there are the reviews that I’m drawn to somewhat masochistically, those that give one-star ratings to a work that has moved me inexpressibly or influenced me indelibly. I thought it might be fun (well, depending on what your definition of “fun” is) to see what some of those one-star folks had to say about a few of my favorite books, as well as some of the books that appeared on others’ lists.
Here for your amusement, completely unedited, are some heartfelt one-star Amazon book reviews! (I have left off any names, although most of them are written anonymously.)[sic throughout]
“The Grapes of Wrath” by John Steinbeck:
Though I’ve read many bad books, none can compare with this trite, contrived piece of work. Every line, every word, is deliberate and pretentious–Steinbeck is pounding it into our collective consciences at every step that this is a great work of art. People have called this book propaganda, but that doesn’t even begin to cover it. Nowhere else will you find such schmaltzy dialogue, or such a laborious, falsely deep message. But I recommend everyone read this book, just to get a taste of what absolute tripe millions of people are capable of swallowing.
“To Kill a Mockingbird” by Harper Lee:
Looking for a sappy, cliched, novel to read? One predictable as most young-adult books and more degrading than harlequin romances? Well, To Kill a Mockingbird is your book. In this novel, all Harper Lee gives as a theme is “life isn’t fair.” I think most of us couold have figured that out without a book that should have started where the first “part” ended. Ms. Lee merely portrays a terrible, biased, southern society that seemingly places its main goal on ruining everyone elses life. Her female characters are flat, simple-minded women. Wether or not this is due to its setting is irrelevant. Lee places guilt on a group of people instead of individuals (the Ewells) as it should be. Thank God Ms. Lee only wrote this book; surely her next would degrade society even further. I’m sure it too would be deemed a classic as long as it dealt with politically correct subjects that are far too worn out to remain interesting.
“Jane Eyre” by Charlotte Bronte:
Endless, pointless description. DESCRIPTION, DESCRIPTION, DESCRIPTION!!! The entire book is written in stupid metaphors. The few places where there is actually any dialogue bore the reader to tears. Honestly, i think that this is dubbed a classic simply because it is older than sand. Gee, maybe if I just go out and slop a few words down on a piece of paper, it’ll be a classic in 160 years! It’ll be required of every high school sophomore, like this idiotic “story.” Excuse me now, I’m off to begin my masterpiece. I’m sure it’ll be better than this.
“Charlotte’s Web” by E. B. White, Garth Williams, and Rosemary Wells:
Absolutely pointless book to read. I felt no feelings towards any of the characters. I really didn’t care that Wilbur won first prize. And how in the world does a pig and a spider become friends? It’s beyond me. The back of a cereal box has more excitement than this book. I was forced to read it at least five times and have found it grueling. Even as a child I found the plot very far-fetched. It is because of this horrid book that I eat sausage every morning and tell my dad to kill every spider I see. It is a traumatic, coma-enducing story that has changed my life forever. In conclusion I feel no one should be put through such torture and this book should be banned from every school, library, and bookstore in the Milky Way.
“An American Tragedy” by Theodore Dreiser:
In An American Tragedy Dreiser captures the essence of tragedy. This, quite possibly, was the most painful reading experience I have ever been cursed with. Not only is his imagery redundant and style convoluted, but he obviously had no knowledge of the utter pain caused by his excess verbiage. Through all 828 pages (though how would I really know, I’m not stupid enough to finish it–but I did read 300 for those of you who are thinking of bashing my opinion because of a possible lack of experience) Dresier drags out his bleak narrative of little consequence in a thoroughly anti-climactic manner. In any case there is no reason that any sane person should waste his time, valuable or invaluable, on this tragic blight on the face of literature. Avoid this book like the plague.
“A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” by Betty Smith:
This book is 3 words over and over again: MY LIFE IS BAD. 500 pages and that’s all it says. It’s exactly the same as any other book about a poor family with an irresponsible father and a child who manages to be alright (Angela’s Ashes, Black Boy, Riding in Cars With Boys) the only difference is – THIS ONE IS FICTION. Don’t waste your time, money, or your sympathy on the most over praised book ever written.
““Where the Wild Things Are” by Maurice Sendak:
With all the reviews – I bought this book for my son. While the book had some good graphics, I believe the message is all wrong. He talks back to his mother and I think the message to kids is all wrong. Save your money – there are so many other books that send a positive message.
“1984″ by George Orwell:
At first I did like the book. Then it just started to suck right around the time when Winston was getting sexually involved with his girl friend. I hated the book so much that I forgot her name. The first hundred or so pages i liked, then it just got really boring. So II highly reccomend that you DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. And please for the love of God don’t read that “Brave New World” book by Hoxley. It is twice as worse as 1984. To put it bluntly, DON’T READ ANY GEORGE ORWELL. Your just waisting your time.
Well, I could go on and on. I mean, I could literally go on and on. These reviews are endless. Trust me — for every book you love, there are people out there whose lives were apparently ruined by the verbiage of these elitist authors. As can be seen from the review of “Jane Eyre” above, spending too much time describing things seems to be a particular pet peeve, as I saw this complaint voiced many times about many different books. Damn you writers and your overactive vocabularies!
I really have to wonder about these folks. Are they disgruntled students? Trolls? Malcontents who have nothing better to do? Do they think they are tilting at windmills and bravely swimming against the tide of conformity by warning others not to read texts that are universally acknowledged as classics? (In which case I might recommend that they read Cervantes’ “Don Quixote,” but then I’d be afraid to see their reviews of it.)
The more of these that I read, the more I became desperate to find at least one book that would be impervious to the one-star brigade.
Then it dawned on me. Anne Frank’s “The Diary of a Young Girl”! Surely, no one could find fault with the poignant and honest writing of a young girl caught up in the evil of the Holocaust, setting down on paper her hopes, longings and yearnings — a book that has made countless women want to become writers and which has inspired generations of readers to denounce hate and live more compassionate lives. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?
But, oh, how wrong I was.
I didn’t like this book because it was boring. That’s all that needs to be said. It was very very very very very very very very very very very boring. If you have to read this book shoot yourself first.
Can you imagine being this person? It seems like a life completely devoid of any subtlety, introspection, caring or empathy. Or am I reading too much into these few sentences? I hope I am. Maybe this “reviewer” was just having a bad day. But, just the same, I hope I never actually meet him or her. It might get very uncomfortable.
In a last-ditch effort, I decided to see what folks had to say about the Bible. Sure enough, there were a few brave souls who dared to give the word of God only one star!
Man, this book is boring. All this weird stuff happens and it’s harder to get into than Lord of the Rings. And what’s up with the red writing and the LORD says stuff. All caps = rude, peter paul and mark, whoever the heck you are. And this is just badly written. James Patterson could do better. These apostles need to get a clue and hire a ghost writer. Even Miley Cyrus’s manager was smart enough to do that. Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ, indeed.
You might want to try this experiment for yourself! But I warn you, you will come away profoundly disheartened and pessimistic about the continued existence of humankind.
Amazon’s $1 million secret
By quietly supporting small presses and literary nonprofits, is Amazon backing book culture or buying off critics?
(Credit: iStockphoto/stokato) The Brooklyn Book Festival’s website debuts a new feature this year called OnePage. Every week from March through September, OnePage will post part of a previously unpublished work — chunks of correspondence, scenes from books in progress — by authors such as Darcey Steinke, Martha Southgate, Paula Fox and Stefan Merrill Block. There will also be mini-profiles of participating small presses, including indie mainstays McSweeney’s and Akashic.
Continue Reading CloseAlexander Zaitchik is a journalist living in Brooklyn. More Alexander Zaitchik.
Scott Turow on why we should fear Amazon
The feds might sue Apple and publishers over pricing. But a top author suggests the e-retailer's playing monopoly
(Credit: AP/Ben Margot) Late last week, the Justice Department warned Apple and five of the nation’s largest publishers that it was planning to sue them for price fixing. At issue is the agency model, a method of wholesaling e-books in which the publisher sets the retail price and the retailer takes a 30 percent cut. Most print and many e-books are sold under the traditional wholesale model, in which publishers sell books at a discounted price, and the retailer can resell them for whatever price it likes.
The unnamed player in this drama is Amazon, which had been selling e-books at a loss until two years ago, when the iPad came along and publishers used the emergence of the new device to pressure the online megaretailer into adopting the agency model, too. If Amazon wanted to sell e-books from the Big Six (as the six largest book publishers are called), it could no longer sell those titles for $9.99.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
Resolved: Kick the Amazon habit in 2012
Yes, you CAN buy e-books and support your local indie bookstore
(Credit: iStockphoto/PaulaConnelly/mbortolino) I suspect I’m not the only person starting 2012 with a resolution to buy fewer books from Amazon. Resistance to the e-commerce giant and its crypto-monopolistic ways crystallized just before Christmas, when it offered customers a 5 percent credit to use its price-checking app in brick-and-mortar stores, thereby undercutting local businesses.
Booksellers have been complaining about “showrooming” — the practice of using a bookstore to browse and learn about new titles while buying the actual books online — for a while now. Amazon’s holiday-season gambit, and a New York Times op-ed denouncing it written by novelist Richard Russo, alerted readers who value their local bookstores to the possibility that those stores will vanish if we don’t make a point of patronizing them.
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Laura Miller is a senior writer for Salon. She is the author of "The Magician's Book: A Skeptic's Adventures in Narnia" and has a Web site, magiciansbook.com. More Laura Miller.
When Amazon took my gold medal away
A novelist was thrilled when her debut made Amazon's mid-year best-of list. Then the new Jeffrey Eugenides arrived
(Credit: valdis torms via Shutterstock/Salon) Congrats! You’re the best. For now. That’s the essence of an email I got back in June, when my novel “The Adults” was listed as an Amazon Best Book of 2011 … So Far. You haven’t heard of this list? Two weeks ago, I would have directed you to my Amazon page, where you’d see the gold badge on my book. It was inscribed Best Book of 2011, and then in small print, “So Far.”
It was enough of an honor for me. The shiny addition to my Web page would boost sales, regardless of what was written inside it. A gold badge plastered to a rock would help it sell, even if what was written on the badge was, “This Rock Sucks.” It draws attention to the rock, makes you at least consider its worth.
Continue Reading CloseAlison Espach is the author of the novel "The Adults." More Alison Espach.
Amazon, the tax bully
After years of fighting, the Internet giant learns to live with the online sales tax
Jeff Bezos of Amazon.com (Credit: Reuters/Kim White) WASHINGTON, DC– Paul Misener, the vice president for global public policy at Amazon.com, appeared before members of Congress Wednesday to urge it to pass a proposed bill that would require online retailers — including Amazon itself — to collect state sales tax on the goods they sell through their websites.
“Congress should help address the states’ budget shortfalls without spending federal funds, by authorizing the states to require collection of the billions of revenue dollars already owed,” Misener said.
Continue Reading CloseMaggie Severns is a program associate at the New America Foundation. Follow her @maggieseverns. More Maggie Severns.
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