2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Tiger’s Nike commercial has generated a lot of negative reaction, which makes sense: Negative reaction to Woods has become a commercial industry. Maybe I’m dead inside, but I thought it was a ballsy move. Shame on the sponsors who scurried away like frightened bunnies.
The 30-second black-and-white ad features a long shot of Tiger while we hear the voice of his late father, Earl: “Did you learn anything,” he asks. So Nike wants Earl to posthumously grant Tiger humanity. How can I be offended when every other beer commercial wants me to choose alcoholism over committed relationships? How can I be angry when Tiger’s former sponsor implied that shaving cream would be the genesis of my personal harem? Cynical as this campaign might be, there are worse messages than, “Your hero athlete is human.”
And for those of you so shocked by the posthumous cameo — those who wag fingers as though this is an act of necrophilia? You can say that Tiger is pimping his dead father, yell it loud if you’re offended. But didn’t Earl pimp Tiger’s image before the kid even had object permanence? They were both all-in on Tiger, the Icon. Hollow as that pursuit was, it was theirs. Earl may not be here to quibble over the methods, but you bet he would want in on framing this debate.
I’m not here to quibble over the methods either. I found the ad visually striking, and wholly engrossing. I felt shocked by the spot, which is more than I can say for the incessant parade of “cars driving down the winding street!” commercials. Credit the swoosh for stirring the pot. Are you not entertained?
Somehow I’m not enraged by a sneaker company’s attempt at redeeming a pitchman who should need no redemption, who is guilty of nothing but consensual sex that jeopardized a crappy marriage. Well, I do feel fury, but it’s directed toward our predilection for throwing people into stocks. But screw all those dense arguments about broad implications and societal subtext: The ad was sleek, let’s watch some damned golf.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.
You know about his Masters wins and, now, his infidelity. Tiger Woods, the most successful American golfer of our time, put his marriage in jeopardy when his wife, Elin Nordegren, found out about his mistresses.