From a vampire dildo to the Edward Cullen "manllow," the phenomenon's strangest consumer goods
Granted, the link between condoms and the vanilla chasteness of the “Twilight” series isn’t readily obvious. Spoiler Alert: The only real bump-and-grind takes place after Edward and Bella get married (snooze), and it ends in rib-breaking, blood-drinking, death-dealing childbirth. All the more reason to wear a rubber! See? If lovers had made use of a prophylactic, readers would have been spared the Jar Jar Binksian torture that is Renesmee.
If memory serves, teenage girls smell like a hellish hybrid of gum, Bonne Bell lip gloss and desperation, with some fruity body lotion layered over the top. “Twilight” perfume tried to add lavender and freesia to that mix, to the tune of $48 a pop, courtesy of teen “edge” purveyor Hot Topic. The Old Testament-style apple — “the forbidden fruit tastes the sweetest” is the tag line — might be a bit literal, but you smell like candy, so who cares?
This trio of dollies will allow you to funnel your excess angst into intense “Twilight” role-playing in which both the Jacob and the Edward dolls will probably end up naked at some point. Two more stiff-armed and fancy-haired creations are on the way — villainous Victoria, looking like Bryce Dallas Howard (no plastic immortality for you, Rachelle Lefevre!), and Alice Cullen, with that silly flippy haircut they gave adorable Ashley Greene in the movies.
Tantus Niagara Twilight Vibrator
One reviewer of the Tantus Niagara Twilight Vibrator recommended using it cold, so it feels “like a vampire.” Another reviewer said she could only like this sex toy more “if it actually came attached to Edward.” Alas, the Twilight vibe neither sparkles in the sun nor crushes rock with its innate hardness. It cannot turn into a wolf or see the future. Cough up almost $80, though, and you can figure that out for yourself. Another of the selling points: “not tacky.” Arguable.
Edward Cullen tampon case
Looking like a “South Park” character and promising to camouflage a girl’s dirty secrets is the ingenious Edward Cullen tampon case. Found on Etsy, that bastion of handmade strangeness, not only is this creation practical (Tampax coming out of their wrappers in your bag, not fun in public) but it’s ecologically sound, too — the felt used to make it was crafted from recycled plastics. The seller also listed “feminist bitterness” as one of the materials used, which is just funny.
Edward Cullen “Manllow”
The most disturbing tie-in in the history of marketing (which, of course, means it sold out long ago) is probably the half-man, half-pillow that is the Edward Manllow. It seems to exist only in the rarefied air of Etsy.com, where it was sold as a salve to “Twilight”-crazed lonely women. Sporting a badly silk-screened image of Robert Pattinson (maybe) and lumpy poly-filled arms, the manllow promises to hold you when you’re blue and never try to get past third base. It can’t. It doesn’t have fingers, or a groin. With some jury-rigging and a “Twilight” vibrator, though …
“Twilight” contact lenses
Twihards looking to get into role-playing are, unfortunately, at a bit of a disadvantage since the characters they want to inhabit are basically just better-dressed versions of regular human teens. Or immortal vampire teens. Or werewolf teens. No Elizabethan wigs to buy or manga swords to make. Enter: “Twilight” contact lenses in amber, the very color of the Cullen clan’s eyes after they feast on wild animals (which, in loopy-”Twilight” world, makes them vegetarians). Pair a set of these with too much hair gel and a cashmere overcoat and, BOOM! You’re ready for the convention.
What’s good for straight porn is good for gay porn, and if “Edward Penishands” and “Pulp Friction” can exist in the ether, then “Twinklight” seems like a natural extension of the genre. And twinks being young, slim, mostly hairless (gay) men, one could see how Robert Pattinson would fall neatly into that fold (or, more specifically, the “Euro twink” fold), if his tastes ran differently. The spoof movie has the star-crossed “Edmund” and “Billa,” running through the woods, necking (har) and showing a lot more penis than its source material. Sounds better already.
“Edward Prefers Cougars” line from CafePress
Through some twisted implosion of space and time the word “cougar” is still being used to refer to women of a certain age who chase younger male tail. And since Edward and his family don’t eat people, they eat animals, you get … this off-putting double-entendre. Get it? Get it? CafePress allows anyone to put anything on a wide array of items, so if a T-shirt is too lame (!), feel free to buy the “Edward Prefers Cougars” beer stein, wall clock or gym bag. Or don’t and contribute to the betterment of society.
“Twilight,” the novels
The very first pieces of antimatter to exist in this universe, allowing the matter that is the “Twilight” merchandising juggernaut to stick to them, were the Stephenie Meyer books themselves. Four novels in varying shades of mopey that have spawned five movies, made three actors more famous than Jesus, and reinvigorated the paranormal fiction genre for young adults. There are critics: feminists, non-Mormons, book reviewers, assorted bloggerati riffraff. Guess what? Meyer’s too busy high-diving into her piles of gold coins to give a hoot.