Nonfiction
“The Breakup 2.0″: The new old dating etiquette
A book explains how the Internet is bringing traditional rules back into romantic relationships
For Jane Austen, the lives of ordinary men and women in provincial towns could be the stuff of great drama, because those lives were themselves dramatic — they were lived largely in public, and involved a constant performance of roles. To be a woman, in particular, meant negotiating the boundaries of gentility and commonness, virtue and disgrace, with all eyes upon you. Make a mistake in the social script, and you could be damned to spinsterhood, or worse. Today, in our more liberated and anonymous society, there is only one phase of life when our romantic and sexual lives are so open to public scrutiny, when social status is totally determined by public opinion. That is in adolescence, in high school and college, where young people are packed together in an artificial society, and turn their fiercely judgmental gazes on one another. As the movie “Clueless” showed, Jane Austen in high school makes a profound dramatic sense.
“The Breakup 2.0,” a limited but very intriguing new study by Ilana Gershon, suggests that for teenagers, the explosion of new social media over the last few years is making the 21st century even more like the 19th. Drawing on interviews with undergraduates at Indiana University, where she teaches, Gershon sketches a new social world that is mostly invisible to anyone who graduated college before, say, 2000. The simplest way to describe this new world is to say that it involves a much greater reliance on technology in conducting personal relationships. E-mail, blogs, text messages, and Facebook status updates are now as important as phone calls or even actual conversations. Older readers might find this disturbing, a sign that human life is becoming ever more mediated and alienated. It is hard not to shudder when Gershon quotes a student who mentions talking “on face-to-face,” as though this were just another technological option.
But the truth, as Gershon shows, is that in important ways all these new media are actually making college-age love affairs more traditional — that is, more governed by strict etiquette, and more accountable to the judgments of peers. Is it rude to break up with someone by text message? If you text your boyfriend that you want to break up, does that itself constitute a breakup, or is it just an overture to a longer process? If you do break up, do you change your Facebook status to “single” right away, or should you tell your best friends about it first, so they won’t find out on their Facebook news feeds? If your IM away message quotes dark or cynical lyrics, does that mean you are depressed about a breakup, or just that you like the song?
As Gershon discovers, college students have very definite views about all these questions — just as Elizabeth Bennet would have been quite definite about whether an unmarried woman is permitted to dance several times with the same man at a ball. (Significantly, three times more women than men responded to Gershon’s request for interviews. Now as then, it seems, sexual etiquette presses more closely on women.) In both cases, the reason is the same: When life is being led in public, every word and gesture is open to criticism.
Indeed, Facebook, Gershon notes, is implicitly conservative in its sexual morality. It assumes that monogamy is the ideal, and encourages couples to link to one another’s profiles — a 21st-century equivalent of “pinning,” a way of announcing one’s relationship to the world. “Why does it matter if you break up by text message, by Facebook, or face to face?” Gershon asks at the end of “The Breakup 2.0.” “It matters because people are social analysts of their own lives” — which is, as Jane Austen might have said, a truth universally acknowledged.
Adam Kirsch is a writer living in New York. More Adam Kirsch.
“Why won’t you answer me?”
Kids' questions may be annoying -- but they're more crucial to learning than we've ever thought. An expert explains
(Credit: Bonita R. Cheshier via Shutterstock) Children can ask a lot of very annoying questions. Starting at about 2 years of age, they begin barraging their parents with endless queries, from “Are we there yet?” to “Why is the moon round?” — questions that often seem more like desperate ploys for parental attention than anything else. And, to make things worse, cooperative parents are often treated to a relentless barrage of follow-up questions, many of which involve one word: “Why?” Is this process infuriating? Yes. But is it crucial to their development? Far more than most of us think. And furthermore, the frequency and form of those questions can tell us a lot, not only about how children learn but also about cultural and class differences in America.
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Thomas Rogers is Salon's Arts Editor. More Thomas Rogers.
“Farther Away”: Franzen on Wallace
In a new essay collection, "Freedom's" author reflects on his best friend's suicide with betrayal, anger and sorrow
Jonathan Franzen wants you to like him. In “Mr. Difficult,” a 2002 New Yorker essay, Franzen identifies two types of authorship: the Status model, devoted to the pursuit of difficult art at the expense of commercial gain, and the Contract model, which privileges the enjoyment and connectedness of the reader. Franzen is, in his own estimation, “a Contract kind of person.” His novels don’t ask more of the reader than she is willing to give in turn. “[T]o build the reader an uncomfortable house you wouldn’t want to live in: this violates what seems to me the categorical imperative for any fiction writer.”
Continue Reading Close“When women were birds”: Reading blank journals
A writer makes sense of the rows of empty cloth-bound diaries her mother left her
If you are a reader who cares about nature, wilderness, our place in nature, writing and nature, how to choose a course of action when something you care about is threatened, the lifelong search for voice, and what it means to be a woman in this world, you will have crossed paths with the work of Terry Tempest Williams. Perhaps you grew up reading Aldo Leopold, John Muir, Edward Abbey, Gary Snyder and Bill McKibben and, loving their work, still felt something missing — that your relationship with these issues was not fully rendered. Then you discovered Williams, and, not unlike Alfred Stieglitz’s famous response when he first saw Georgia O’Keeffe’s paintings, you might have breathed: “At last! A woman on paper!”
Continue Reading Close“Drop Dead Healthy”: A failed addition to “shtick lit”
In a book about one man's "quest for bodily perfection," the author doesn't even bother to try
In “Memoir: A History,” Ben Yagoda defines “shtick lit” as “[b]ooks perpetrated by people who undertook an unusual project with the express purpose of writing about it.” He identifies “Walden” as the earliest example of the genre, which would seem to establish a respectable pedigree, but the word perpetrated leaves little doubt as to Yagoda’s opinion of more recent efforts. He can’t be alone in casting a skeptical eye on shtick-lit superstar A. J. Jacobs, the Esquire writer responsible for “The Know-It-All” (shtick: reading the “Encyclopaedia Britannica” in its entirety), “The Year of Living Biblically” (shtick: following every biblical injunction to the letter for 12 lushly bearded, annoying months), and now “Drop Dead Healthy,” evidently a reboot of Remar Sutton’s out-of-print “Body Worry.”
Continue Reading Close“A Slave in the White House”: James Madison and his slaves
A new biography focuses on an overlooked part of the president's life: His perplexing relationship with slavery
When James Madison died, he still owned about 100 slaves. He freed none of them, not even Paul Jennings, his valet. Jennings could read and write, and in fact published the first White House memoir, declaring that Madison was “one of the best men who ever lived.” Modern biographers of Madison, such as Richard Brookhiser and Jeff Broadwater, have frankly acknowledged the shocking truth that such a politically astute and sensitive founding father utterly failed to address the problem of slavery seriously. But most, including not only Mr. Brookhiser and Mr. Broadwater, but also Kevin R. C. Gutzman, Andrew Burstein, and Nancy Isenberg, treat the issue of slavery as a thing apart, in separate chapters, instead dealing with the place of the “peculiar institution” in Madison’s life in the years after he left the presidency.
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