Soul-sucking 'dementor' wasps and 8 other crazy new species
Soul-Sucking Dementor Wasp
Latin name: Ampulex dementor
My fingers literally trembled, as I tried to tear open the massive bag of mini Snickers I just bought. Which was a surprise to me, because when I decided to do a taste-test of everyone’s favorite Halloween candies, I thought I’d be in for a test of culinary endurance. I mean, my taste for chocolate at this point runs toward bars that proclaim, proudly, howlittle sugar they contain, and I reserve my superfluous calories for, say, an extra taco. What I’m saying is that I grew out of this stuff.
But there I was, at the store as a professional, when … holy sweet Jesus, there’s a bag of Reese’s the size of my torso! Soon, the candy was just flying off the shelf into my basket, and the damage at the checkout wasn’t pretty: eight pounds of the stuff, and, as I said, I was trembling for my first taste of Snickers.
See, part of why I could remain aloof — at least before I actually stood in the candy aisle — is because once I was 11, I had to be the one to stay home to hand out to trick-or-treaters, so I’d always felt that my most formative Halloween years were lost. But it turns out that all sugar-addiction nostalgia needs is a spark to start raging.
I came back to the Salon office bearing my haul, only to find everyone swarming toward me, zombie-like, their mouths agape and wanting either sugar or brains. I fought them off with those Snickers, and thankfully escaped with my life, managing to save enough candy corn, Krackels and Crunches and Reese’s peanut butter cups to do this taste test.
Francis Lam eats the outlandish foods you want to try but probably shouldn't. An occasional series, per doctor's orders and decency's sake.