“The order of business in the Senate is simpler than that of the House,” according to the official Senate website’s “legislative process” section. There follow 23 chapters and thousands of words on committee rules, the amendment process, legislative days versus calendar days, etc., etc. But the single most important rule in the Senate is do whatever Lindsey Graham says.

The South Carolina senator fancies himself the authority on when bills should be considered, how long the amendment process should last, how many days of debate they should receive, and when it is politically “safe” to finally vote on the damn things. (Usually later. No matter the bill, it will usually be safe to actually hold a vote later.)

His tantalizing promise: If you listen to him, your bill will magically become bipartisan! What always happens, though, is that someone screws up — says the wrong thing to Roll Call, schedules a procedural vote on the wrong day, decides to actually hold a vote instead of waiting forever — and then Lindsey Graham gets mad and promises that nothing will ever be accomplished in the Senate again.

Despite Graham’s best efforts to convince everyone to hold off until it can be successfully killed, the START arms control treaty might actually pass the Senate this week. After a closed-door intelligence briefing yesterday, Republican Scott Brown announced his support for the treaty, and retiring Sen. Judd Gregg signaled that he was learning toward ratifying the treaty. John Kerry said he had the votes.

And Graham’s usual buddies-in-bipartisanship are on board. Last week, John McCain said that it was silly to say that Republicans would refuse to support START out of pique if Democrats repealed “don’t ask, don’t tell”: “I think the senator from South Carolina and you and I and every member of this body is very aware of the absolute importance of this treaty and for us to make the decision strictly based on the merits or demerits of the treaty,” he said.

Then the Democrats repealed “don’t ask, don’t tell,” and Lindsey Graham — who’d hinted that he could round up GOP support for START if the lame duck session was devoted solely to tax cuts — was so mad that he spent Sunday announcing that he couldn’t support START until the Russians answered a letter he wrote them. (The Russians are like, do you guys not know how treaties work, or …?) On Monday, Graham said he wouldn’t support the treaty “this year.” McCain, at least, continued to attempt to make deals. But Lindsey Graham’s pique is legendary, along with his curious sense of how business in the Senate is “supposed” to be conducted.

Say you support immigration reform and comprehensive climate legislation. If you’re Lindsey Graham, you announce that you will un-support the climate bill you helped craft with your good friend Joe Lieberman, because:

“What I have withdrawn from is a bill that basically restricts drilling in a way that is never going to happen in the future,” Graham said. “I wanted it to safely occur in the future; I don’t want to take it off the table.”

But of course the real reason Graham withdrew from the climate bill was because Reid announced his intention to make immigration reform a priority, and Graham wanted to do climate first. Doing things in the wrong order is one of Lindsey Graham’s biggest turnoffs.