Hoarding
Hoarding: A love story
The shame of my mother's cluttered home made me keep men at a distance. Then I saw the house where Jon grew up
(Credit: trekandshoot and Piotr Marcinski via Shutterstock) I was excited and nervous when Jon invited me to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah with his parents. Three months into our relationship, I would finally meet his family. But on the way there, he stopped the car to warn me: His mother had a lot of stuff.
“Whatever,” I said.
“No, I mean a lot of stuff,” he said. “Vases. Plates. Newspapers.”
He had no idea how much junk it would take to impress me. Jon and I had been quite frank about our lives. But open as we were, I was terrified to tell him the truth about the mess that I came from.
The Montreal duplex where I grew up was filled with shag rugs and teak shelves overloaded with paperbacks, records and overdue library books. My mother found it impossible to throw out unused parts of Kleenex, packets of Sweet’N Low and food, period. Our kitchen counters supported towers of stale Danish and rotting bananas.
My mother, born in Kirgizia during a stop on my grandparents’ flight from the Nazis, struggled with fears of having everything taken away from her, and understandably saved provisions, protecting herself from reexperiencing deprivation. She’d only had one doll as a child, so I was showered with them. Friends envied my ludicrous Barbie collection — 200 dolls and two three-story fully furnished houses. They did not see the underside: stuffed animals and board games, bought on sale and still wrapped, forming mountains in the closet that left no space for my brother’s and my clothes. I was bombarded with toys and elaborate fantasy worlds – all I wanted was some reality.
Her formative years characterized by loss, my mom built physical barricades around her, making her inaccessible to her children and husband. Credenzas piled next to each other like Tetris blocks, swivel chairs metastasized across both floors of the house. She recorded every movie on cable – thousands of video cassette tapes from “St. Elmo’s Fire” to “Shoah” lined the den like brick walls. Ironically, she was obsessed with organizational material: highlighters and binders choked any remaining room. If I’d had a bad dream, I could not rush to her in the middle of the night – the path was occluded. I never got close enough to smell her. My father slept in a cleared-out area in the basement.
Dad and I took long Sunday walks downtown, where he joked about Mom’s Tower of Babel of grocery circulars and obstacle courses of parkas. I sometimes caught him before dawn on garbage collection days, quietly bagging expired coupons. We’d share a knowing eye-roll: For each item jettisoned, another one – or more – would emerge. “Nature abhors a vacuum,” he whispered, “and a vacuum cleaner.” I giggled, thankful that his sofa bed had an empty side for me to crawl into during the night.
I also cleaned my own pink room, wiping my dusty mattress with wet toilet paper. But hours later, a new pile of ceramic piglets littered my dresser.
“What is this?” I asked.
“For your collection,” Mom said. Her large frame stood in the doorway; she even hoarded calories.
Months earlier, I had shown interest in a pig candle. Where had she gotten these trinkets? How much more would be coming? I could do nothing to control the chaos which made me feel smaller and smaller. She tried hard to give me the things she hadn’t had, yet her gifts were suffocating me, taking up the space in which I needed to grow.
My mom’s piles were always barriers, but as I hit pre-adolescence, they became embarrassments. My classmates lived in neat houses with shiny built-ins and lemon-lime scents. Inviting friends over – especially boys – was an exercise in mad housekeeping. I scrambled to throw cheap suitcases into the cold storage, shut doors, and dust-busted magazine residues, hoping no one would enter the wrong rooms. Then, when she came home, my mother panicked, angry: “Where are my newspapers? Cleaning isn’t your job.”
“I know,” I wanted to say, “it’s yours.” But I didn’t. I sensed my mother’s pain. I didn’t know how to help.
I stopped inviting people.
This hoarding may have made some children rebel, but I projected the ugliness of my house onto my chubby sixth-grade body. I felt shamed, scared to get close to anybody, and I shied away from physical contact. When I finally had my first boyfriend, I was too afraid to even talk to him on the phone. He dumped me, which was a relief. After all, how could I ever bring him home? At 15, when I still hadn’t French-kissed a boy, I went to a friend’s party hoping to flirt with a crush. But his interest overwhelmed me and I ran out, terrified. I spent the night cleaning the kitchen cupboard, throwing out insect-infested flour and moldy tuna cans, desperate to rid this ugly out-of-orderness. When my mother walked in, she commanded me to put every container back exactly as I’d found it. “You can’t throw out things that don’t belong to you.” I had to sift through the garbage to retrieve cereal the same consistency as its cardboard box. I felt trapped.
While my Canadian friends went to local university, I insisted on studying in America. I set off on a search for home – a comfortable, calm place – launching myself into exile, the feeling I had felt in my family, figuring if I could control this experience, I could survive it. After college, I fled to London, where I worked in the visual arts and curated exhibitions, surrounding myself with sparse white-walled galleries and trendy beauty. From dorms to my first tiny flat, I became an increasing neat freak, preferring empty space to sofas, outright banning extraneous items like coffee tables. Through B.A., M.A., and Ph.D. dissertations on domesticity — exploring how dwellings create and mirror the self — and in a job as a curator at a museum of living rooms, I intellectualized to feel in control. In therapy, I struggled to understand that I was not my mother, nor her house. But I still felt uncomfortable having people over. Even at 30, when I met Jon and we developed our candid rapport, I continued to hide my hideous childhood abode from everyone, especially him.
But from the moment I entered the vestibule of his parents’ house that first Hanukkah night and spotted a human-size tower of junk mail, I was astonished. Jon’s family was wealthier than mine, so their hoarding comprised a different class of object. The dining room, bigger than any of my parents’ rooms, had several antique tables stacked on their backs, boxes from Sotheby’s, collector toasters and Tiffany lamps galore. But what surprised me more than the boxed-up Edwardian decanter collection was Jon’s attitude. After lighting the candles, we wandered through their sprawling four-story Victorian residence as he pointed out each library shelf and ceramic tumbler. “Just in case we have 65 guests for dinner,” he joked.
I barraged Jon with questions. I wondered if his mother’s hoarding emerged from her immigrant experience: She had moved from Africa to London; was it easier to attach to objects than to foreign English people? “Your mother is so petite. Is she afraid of losing her husband and being small and alone?” Jon chuckled at my blunt over-analysis. He wasn’t sure about the roots of his mother’s collecting, but what ultimately stood out to me was that he was OK with it. He was aware of his family’s craziness, but he was also aware it wasn’t him.
I could no longer hold myself back. What were the chances that two children of hoarders would find each other? “My mother has stuff too!” I said. “Reams of it. Thumbtacks, onesies, laundry baskets bought on sale. My childhood bed is currently a warehouse for obsolete fax machines and photo-printers. My friends complain that their inheritances are being spent on cruises. Mine is being spent on hole punchers. My mother’s house,” I said, pointing all around me, “is even worse.”
“Worse?” Jon stopped.
“Worse.” I worried that I’d gone too far.
“Wow,” he said after a pause. “I can’t wait to see it!”
As he opened an attic freezer filled with 10-year-old frozen kosher turkeys, I understood: Like me, he had grown up in the pockets of affection, surrounded by record players and hotel-shampoo collections. Our candor together countered our childhoods of hidden secrets. Being open and joking about our past messes could help clean them up. His detachment from his mother’s mishigas might help guide my own. My attraction to Jon was enhanced by his ability to face the ugly and the odd, to accept it without judgment or fear.
But most of all, I understood that after three decades, I had finally found someone I could bring home.
Judy Batalion is a writer and performer whose work has appeared in the Washington Post, the Jerusalem Post and Nerve, among others. She is currently working on a novel and lives with her husband and daughter in a sparsely decorated apartment in New York City. More Judy Batalion.
The collapse of American justice
Not long ago, we had a low incarceration rate and a system that worked. Then everything started to unravel
(Credit: vaaka via Shutterstock) Among the great untold stories of our time is this one: the last half of the twentieth century saw America’s criminal justice system unravel. Signs of the unraveling are everywhere. The nation’s record- shattering prison population has grown out of control. Still more so the African American portion of that prison population: for black males, a term in the nearest penitentiary has become an ordinary life experience, a horrifying truth that wasn’t true a mere generation ago. Ordinary life experiences are poor deterrents, one reason why massive levels of criminal punishment coexist with historically high levels of urban violence.
Continue Reading CloseMy $10,000 storage unit mistake
As I sift through junk I've held on to for decades, I wonder why I'm willing to pay so much to avoid letting go
Earlier this year, I cleared out a storage locker jammed with the accumulated overflow of almost two adult decades — along with some boxes of college books tossed in for good measure. This was actually my second storage locker, the successor to the Manhattan mini-storage unit that I acquired to insert some breathing space in the Upper West Side one-bedroom I rented shortly after law school. It was intended as a temporary measure, a momentary regrouping. But eight years later, when I finally packed up, the unit was still mine.
Continue Reading CloseAmy Gutman served as a special assistant to Harvard Law School Dean (now U.S. Supreme Court justice) Elena Kagan until April 2009. She now lives and looks for work in western Massachusetts. More Amy Gutman.
I’m a sex writer with a secret shame — hoarding
I'm open about my fetishes and fantasies. But there's one thing about my life that pains me to admit
Over the past decade as a writer specializing in sex, I’ve dished about my erotic escapades, from threesomes to kinky parties to a date gone wrong with a Top Chef. I’ve posed with a freshly spanked bottom for a sex blogger calendar, masturbated on HBO’s “Real Sex” and edited books like “Best Bondage Erotica 2011.” Writing about my intimate life has never felt awkward. I didn’t grow up with shame around sex and didn’t carry any of it into adulthood. Divulging those stories, as well as fictionalizing fantasies about bukkake or webcam exhibitionism, has been a way to understand and come to terms with my desires. Because I’ve been so open, though, some people think I have no skeletons in my closet. And I do — or rather, I would if the two-bedroom Brooklyn, N.Y., apartment I’ve lived in for over 11 years had any closets.
Continue Reading CloseRachel Kramer Bussel is the editor of more than 40 anthologies, including "Best Sex Writing 2012," "Women in Lust" and "Irresistible: Erotic Romance for Couples." She writes widely about sex, dating and pop culture, and is a blogger at Lusty Lady and Cupcakes Take the Cake. More Rachel Kramer Bussel.
A guilty liberal confronts her stuff
Lately, I'm torn between recycling my old things -- and becoming a hoarder who can't throw away junk
Have you ever spent 10 minutes staring at a box of discolored envelopes?
I have. Rest assured: I’m confessing here, not bragging.
Just the other day in my home office, I froze dumbly before a white Pottery Barn bookcase that doubles as a supply cabinet. My cat Waldo eyed me suspiciously from his nearby window perch, as if I’d lost my mind. He was probably right. I was caught in a heady internal debate. Was it more responsible to recycle the yellowed, unusable envelopes in my cabinet, as they monopolized space inside? Or would that act be wasteful? Maybe I should save a tree and try to use them for origami? After all, earthquake and tsunami victims in Japan might be entirely without stained office supplies!
Continue Reading CloseNora Zelevansky is a freelance journalist, essayist and blogger, whose work has appeared in publications like ELLE, The Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, Town & Country, Allure, Martha Stewart, Style.com, Vanity Fair online and many more. She is currently a Contributing Writer for C Magazine and co-authors a blog for self.com called "Fit Like Us." Her first novel will be released in spring 2012. More Nora Zelevansky.
“Hoarders’” unforgettable rat episode
With last night's rodent collector, the show sets a new bar for extreme behavior -- without being exploitative
Last night’s season finale of A&E’s “Hoarders” (Mondays 10 p.m./9 Central) may well have the most vivid and unsettling episode of the series, for the way that it illustrated OH MY GOD THE RATS ARE COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!
Sorry. Let’s try that again.
The two hoarders featured in last night’s episode were Lisa, a Fullerton, Calif., resident and extreme Cat Lady, and Glen, a Llano, Calif., homeowner who — RATS EVERYWHERE!!!! — has been collecting and breeding domesticated rats for years to the point where they NUMBER IN THE HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS, OH MY GOD!
Continue Reading ClosePage 1 of 2 in Hoarding