Let grandma have sex!

Care facilities often prevent elderly patients from getting it on -- and a new study says that's unjust

Topics: Love and Sex, Sex, Editor's Picks, Aging,

Let grandma have sex! (Credit: Yuri Arcurs via Shutterstock/Salon)

Plenty is lost when an elderly person moves into a nursing facility — the comforts of home, a sense of privacy, the pleasures of independence. But on top of that, they’re often deprived of one of the greatest joys of all: sex.

I know: Old people, sex — what?! When the subject comes up, it’s typically used as a joke and, regardless, tends to induce a cataclysmic cringe. But the evidence shows that many people do get it on well into their 80s. (And also? Grow up.)

A new article published in the Journal of Medical Ethics takes nursing homes to task because elderly patients’ “sexual expression” is often “overlooked, ignored or even discouraged.” The authors of the Australian paper argue, “The formation of relationships, physical intimacy and the expression of sexuality are a basic human right and a normal and healthy part of aging,” and caregivers should respects patients’ “decisions about their sexuality, intimacy and physical relationships.”

The problem — beyond the privacy-destroying lack of single rooms or locking doors – is that many nursing home patients struggle with diseases like Alzheimer’s and dementia, which come with cognitive issues that can complicate consent. (These conditions can also ramp up sexual behavior.) As Daniel Engber put it several years ago in a piece about nursing home nookie, “Break it up, and they may be depriving a dying man or woman of physical pleasure and companionship. Leave them be, and the nursing home may be exposed to negligence claims from dismayed relatives or a forgotten spouse.”

These things don’t happen in a social vacuum, either. As Carol Bradley Bursack, author of “Minding Our Elders,” put it to me, “I think it’s a shame that in our society there’s that ‘ew’ factor about [elderly sex].” It’s easy to discount this issue as insignificant, but its not. “Human touch is so important to mental health for everyone,” says Bursack.

The problem is finding a way to balance elderly patients’ right to “sexual expression,” as the paper puts it, with the consent problems raised by cognitive impairment. Bursack says, “Until there is a real cognitive impairment where people don’t seem to be able to make any decisions on their own, if there is no abuse, and both people seem to want to have this kind if connection, why shouldn’t they be allowed to have this in a private area?” Similarly, the report argues against treating patients with various stages of Alzheimer’s and dementia the same: “Clearly there is a significant difference between the capabilities of a person with mild dementia and one with advanced or final-stage dementia and, therefore, a single approach to sexuality and ‘people with dementia’ is inappropriate.”

Engber suggests that “the safest solution would be to encourage residents to designate a ‘sexual guardian’ in advance of their cognitive decline.” In other words, a person who could “serve as the elder-sex cop, or elder-sex partner.” Of course, given how uncomfortable people can be talking about sex, perhaps especially with our elder relatives, this approach brings its own challenges.

At least one nursing home in the U.S. has found a way to humanely address the issue. The Hebrew Home at Riverdale — which, believe it or not, follows Orthodox Jewish law — has nurses and social workers determine whether a patient is capable of giving consent and even went so far as to develop a policy stating that “residents have the right to seek out and engage in sexual expression,” as well as the right to “materials with sexually explicit content.” Hoorah, porn for grandma!

Tracy Clark-Flory

Tracy Clark-Flory is a staff writer at Salon. Follow @tracyclarkflory on Twitter and Facebook.

Next Article

Related Stories

Featured Slide Shows

The week in 10 pics

close X
  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11
  • A missing poster hangs on a tree outside the Cleveland home of Amanda Berry Wednesday. Berry and two other women, Michelle Knight and Gina DeJesus, made a daring escape this week after being held captive for more than a decade.
    Credit: AP/Tony Dejak

  • Elvis Rafael Rodriguez and Emir Yasser Yeje offer their best impression of  Eric B. & Rakim. On Thursday, New York prosecutors identified the pair as members of an international gang that robbed $45 million in a matter of hours by hacking into a database of prepaid debit cards and draining ATM machines around the world.
    Credit: AP

  • New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie walks to a podium during the groundbreaking ceremony for the Technology Enhanced Accelerated Learning Center at Essex County Newark Tech in Newark, N.J., Tuesday. Christie made less flattering headlines this week after undergoing a secret stomach surgery to curb his weight.
    Credit: AP/Julio Cortez

  • Workers stand outside the Tung Hai Sweater Ltd. factory in Dhaka, Bangladesh, Thursday after a fire broke out in its 11-story building. Eight people were killed in the blaze.
    Credit: AP/Ismail Ferdous

  • Workers rescue a woman trapped for 17 days in the rubble of a garment factory building in Saver, Bangladesh, Friday. The building's collapse was the worst industrial disaster in the country's history, killing more than 1,000 people.
    Credit: AP

  • Former South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford gives his victory speech Tuesday in Mt. Pleasant, S.C., after winning back his old congressional seat in the state's first district.
    Credit: AP/Rainier Ehrhardt

  • Jodi Arias reacts in Maricopa Country Superior Court Wednesday after being found guilty of first-degree murder in the gruesome killing of her one-time boyfriend, Travis Alexander. Arias has subsequently said she wants the death penalty, claiming she'd "prefer to die sooner than later."
    Credit: AP/The Arizona Republic/Rob Schumacher

  • Ariel Castro stands for his mug shot Thursday at the Cuyahoga County Corrections Center, where he is being held on $8 million bail. The former bus driver is accused of imprisoning three young women and beating them repeatedly over a period of 10 years.
    Credit: AP/Cuyahoga County

  • Charles Ramsey addresses the media Monday after helping rescue three women held captive in Cleveland for more than a decade. Ramsey's hero portraiture has been complicated by revelations of his own domestic violence record.
    Credit: AP/The Plain Dealer/Scott Shaw

  • Michael B. Donley, Secretary of the Air Force, testifies during a Senate Appropriations Defense Subcommittee hearing on Capitol Hill Wednesday. The military branch was rocked this week after its chief sexual assault prevention officer was charged with sexual battery.
    Credit: AP/Carolyn Kaster

  • Recent Slide Shows

  • Share on Twitter
  • Share on Facebook
  • Thumbnails
  • Fullscreen
  • 1 of 11

Comments

5 Comments

Comment Preview

Your name will appear as username

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href=""> <b> <em> <strong> <i> <blockquote>