Bush unwelcome at dodgeball game

The former president has trouble making friends with kids in Dallas

Topics: Satire, George W. Bush,

Bush unwelcome at dodgeball game (Credit: AP/Pablo Martinez Monsivais/Benjamin Wheelock)

Every Saturday morning after cartoons, in the upscale Dallas suburb of Preston Hollow, the neighborhood kids gather at the local elementary school for a friendly game of dodgeball. “It was lots of fun until ‘Mr. Dickface’ started showing up,” said one 9-year-old boy who regularly participates in the games. According to a number of sources interviewed for this article, ‘Mr. Dickface’ is a reference to Preston Hollow resident and former president of the United States George W. Bush, who recently started showing up uninvited to the weekly dodgeball game, much to the annoyance of the neighborhood kids.

“The first time he showed up, he just stood on the sideline for a long time with this big smirk on his face, laughing at us once in a while like we sucked or something,” said one source, who asked not to be identified, for fear of retribution. “When we finished our game, he snapped his fingers and one of his secret service dudes handed him a pair of personalized 43 leather gloves – which he pulled on real slow and cocky and then narrowed his eyes and said, ‘Time to get crushed you little fucks.’

We didn’t know what to do, so we all just looked at him for a long time. Finally, my friend Kyle said, ‘Who are you?’ and then Bush gave him this mean glare and said, ‘I used be president you dumb shit.’ Kyle said, ‘Yeah right, old man,’ and then Bush got all red-faced and tried to whip his 43 ball at Kyle — but when he cocked back, the ball fell out of his hand, which made him look pretty stupid, so he said, ‘I meant to do that,’ but we all knew he was totally lying.”

Mr. Bush reportedly told the children that because he was a former president, he would be one of the captains and was allowed to pick first. When some of the kids objected, Mr. Bush told them, “It’s the law – go check the Bill of Rights,” and then pointed to one of his secret service agents, a former professional football player, and said, “I pick him.” The kids reluctantly ceded to Mr. Bush’s demands. “There wasn’t really anything we could do,” said one of the children. “I mean — all of his secret service dudes have guns.”

Several sources confirmed that shortly after the game started, Tommy Baiers, a seven-year-old from the opposing team, hurled the ball at Mr. Bush and hit him square in the chest, knocking the former president onto his backside (dodgeball rules dictate that when a player is hit, that player is declared “out” and is required to go sit on the sidelines for the remainder of the game). But when the former president was being helped to his feet by one of his secret service agents, Mr. Bush told the children they could hit him a thousand times and he still wouldn’t be out because he was a former president. “My friend Trevor said ‘that’s not fair, you’re out’ but Mr. Dickface told him to go check the Bill of Rights, and then he just kept on playing. He’s always telling us that … ‘Go check the Bill of Rights.’

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The kids always take a snack break after their second game, and sources say Mr. Bush prefers to eat his snack alone, sitting under a large, shady tree and surrounded by his secret service detail. “He’s got loads of crazy good snacks,” said one source. “Twinkies, Goobers, Z-Bars, pizza, cotton candy, pretty much everything. Oh, and he’s got the biggest Ziploc bag of goldfish I’ve ever seen. It’s like the size of a garbage bag, and it’s got a white sticker on it that says ‘Property of 43 – HANDS OFF!’ One time my buddy Chad got up the courage to go over there and ask if he could have a few Goobers. He said please and everything. But Bush didn’t even look up at him. He just sat there sucking on his yogurt tube. Then he gave Chad the finger.”

“The last time he showed up we saw him coming toward us from the other side of the playground, bouncing his 43 ball, all cocky with his secret service guys walking beside him,” recounted one source. “We all took off running toward the hill, and then we heard Bush shout ‘Get them!’ and that’s when his secret service dudes chased us down, tackled everyone and made us go back and play three whole games with Mr. Dickface. It totally sucked.”

A spokesman for the former president declined to comment.

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