2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
So 76-year-old actor Fred Willard was arrested earlier this week for allegedly exposing his genitals (read: masturbating) in an adult theater — and?
His attorney has told the media that they are “working vigorously to clear his name in this matter” and Willard himself has called it a “a big misunderstanding.” Maybe the guy didn’t really expose himself in Hollywood’s Tiki Theatre — but here’s the thing: Who cares if he did? He wasn’t caught masturbating on a playground or at a stranger’s window. He was caught, allegedly, masturbating in an adult theater. What else do people do in adult theaters?
That didn’t stop PBS from promptly firing him as the narrator of the new series “Market Warriors” — which, OK, cowardly public relations, no surprise there. But it’s remarkable that someone can be arrested for pleasuring themselves in a porn movie house, isn’t it? California state law says a person is guilty of a misdemeanor if he or she “willfully and lewdly … exposes his person, or the private parts thereof, in any public place, or in any place where there are present other persons to be offended or annoyed thereby.”
If someone had complained to the police that they were “offended or annoyed” that would be one thing. But it doesn’t appear any of his fellow patrons complained; Willard was caught in a routine police sweep. The owner of the venue, which was playing such titles as “The Client List Parody,” “Follow Me 2” and “Step Dad No. 2” at the time, says vice cops patrol the theater “as often as four times a day, leading to more than 20 arrests,” according to the New York Daily News.
California’s tax dollars at work, suppressing masturbation in venues known for masturbation!
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.