2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Say what you will about Michele Bachmann (she’s a vile buffoon), but she is an aesthetically attractive human by most standards, and that’s what really counts. With its usual brilliant timing, the Hill, Washington’s least-influential congressional newsletter, has declared Rep. Bachmann (R-mageddon) the 10th-most beautiful person in Washington. (Better luck next year, Rep. Dutch Ruppersberger!)
It’s all thanks to her stylish 2012 campaign trail makeover!
But nothing about her presidential-campaign wardrobe looked bargain-basement. Not only did she hire Fox News Channel makeup artist Tamara Robertson for her 2012 bid, she also debuted a sleeker, trendier hairdo that inspired attention from the likes of the New York Daily News, which ran an article last year on women asking their hairdressers to replicate Bachmann’s look. She also made noise — literally — wearing a French manicure that clicked and clacked on the podiums of the GOP primary’s many debates. Bachmann was a chic version of her Capitol Hill self while on the national stage this past year.
As longtime Bachmann observers know, what really gives her that undeniable glow is the zeal with which she practices neo-McCarthyism. The write-up notes that Bachmann took some “friendly fire from Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.),” but it doesn’t mention that it was because she has recently been accusing American Muslims of disloyalty, because she is an unhinged, irresponsible paranoid nutcase.
The Hill is well aware of how stupid its list is, of course. Its editors know that this depressing list is the only thing people read in the Hill, ever, and so it makes perfect sense to put some “controversial” picks on it. It’s just depressing that some grown adults put this stupid thing together and made some underpaid writer crank out three paragraphs on the stylishness of a repulsive, dangerous creep.
But she’s a repulsive, dangerous creep with great hair! A repulsive, dangerous creep with great hair who genuinely believes that we’re living in the End Times and that every single Muslim, including one of her fellow members of Congress, is a party to a worldwide anti-American conspiracy!
Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @pareeneMore Alex Pareene.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.