2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
This year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, the biggest and most important annual American conservative movement event, will feature a speech by Mr. Mitt Romney, aka “the Future of the Republican Party.” This will be Romney’s first public speaking appearance since he lost the 2012 presidential election despite leading in all unskewed polls. Maybe he will be fat and have a beard? Or maybe he will just look the same, as he has since 1971.
As Elspeth Reeve points out, Mitt Romney was said to have “little interest in helping the Republican Party rebuild and re-brand itself” as recently as last December. And speaking at CPAC is a great way of really emphasizing how uninterested Mitt Romney is in helping the Republican party rebrand itself. “I, a stiff rich twit, still represent this party,” Romney will probably say. “Sorry.”
“I look forward to saying thank you to the many friends and supporters who were instrumental in helping my campaign,” Romney said in a press release that probably offers a more accurate preview of the style and tone of his remarks. “Thank you to my friends and supporters,” he will likely say. And, “golly.”
If Romney has spent these last few months reflecting on his presumably extinguished presidential ambitions, he may have figured out that CPAC is precisely the sort of conservative institution that made his loss in November practically inevitable; in making himself the sort of candidate who wins CPAC straw polls, Romney abandoned most of what made him an appealing mainstream “blue state” Republican to begin with. But Romney is not terribly introspective or inclined to wade into intra-movement ideological battles. Plus, it’s not really CPAC’s fault. While Romney was incompetent at sounding like a true conservative, he was never reluctant to try. In other words, don’t expect a big truth-to-power “Bulworth” moment here.
While CPAC will feature Romney, they have once again barred gay Republican groups from participating in the conference, so in case you were wondering, the conservative movement is not really interested in changing anything about itself, thank you. Also, Sarah Palin will speak. Yep. Sarah Palin.
Alex Pareene writes about politics for Salon and is the author of "The Rude Guide to Mitt." Email him at email@example.com and follow him on Twitter @pareeneMore Alex Pareene.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.