2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
President and CEO of Concerned Women for America Penny Young Nance is, of course, very concerned for America. She is also very concerned for Miley Cyrus, and the terrible impact that feminism has had on the other young women of this great nation, who are now probably going to grow up to rub their butts into Robin Thicke’s crotch because women’s rights or whatever.
In a Monday editorial for Fox News, Young Nance calls Cyrus’ uncomfortably racialized performance at the MTV Video Music Awards (which has been thoughtfully critiqued for its faux sex positivity and “postmodern careerist” minstrelsy here and here) “what the end of the road looks like for the ‘women’s liberation’ movement.”
Bodily autonomy and self-determination? The ability to live free from violence? Equal pay for equal work? Think again! The culmination of the feminist agenda has always been about Cyrus in a furry bathing suit simulating masturbation with a foam finger for an audience of millionaire pop musicians, corporate executives and television stars.
Nice work, ladies! Everyone can go home now!
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.