2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
Long gone are the days when the Busty Nurse and Naughty Cop outfit would be the talk of the Halloween party. You guys, we live in the age of the Sexy Hamburger.
Halloween has been so thoroughly saturated with sexiness — make that “sexiness,” heavy on the air quotes — that costume makers have begun to look beyond well-worn adult-costume clichés. Much as with the proliferation of anything-you-can-imagine porn, sexy Halloween get-ups just keep getting weirder and more absurd (see: every porn parody ever made; slutty trick-or-treat outfits for dogs). That’s why we’ve decided to compile a list of the least sexy “sexy” Halloween costumes of 2013. They just might be the scariest things you see this All Hallows’ Eve.
Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke
From the tongue-wagging to the foam-finger jerk-off to the rape-y lyrics to the performers’ 16-year age difference to the major racial issues at play, Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus’ performance at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards was one massive anti-aphrodisiac. That didn’t stop Paris Hilton from dressing up as the 20-year-old pop star — and if the legion of such costumes available around the Web are any indication, she won’t be the only one.
Sexy “Duck Dynasty”
You would think there wouldn’t be too much sexy-costume potential in a reality-show about a bunch of bearded, ratty-haired men who like to dress up in head-to-toe camo and shoot ducks. But the folks at HalloweenCostumes.com can apparently find tart potential anywhere. With an orange tutu, hunting jacket and beard-on-a-stick, any woman can transform herself into an sexy Uncle Si.
Surely a popular kids movie like “Despicable Me” would be off-limits for sexification. Especially when it comes to the movie’s yellow overall-wearing, pill-shaped stars, right?
Yeah, OK, I get it. You had to top last year’s hit, the Sexy Hamburger. But, honestly, the shoulder-pad crust is so ’80s.
Sexy Walter White
This “Sexy Walter White” costume combines two things that are never sexy: meth and a Hazmat suit. Plus, they are not even trying with that bra.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.