2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
After reading an Austin American-Stateman column by Ken Herman on cowboy boots, outgoing Texas land commissioner and former GOP candidate for lieutenant governor Jerry Patterson felt the need to weigh in on Lone Star style — and took a shot at his governor, Rick Perry, in the process.
“[W]hite socks look fine with a suit when you’re wearing boots. Not so much with shoes,” Patterson explained to Herman, offering a reason why the latter should embrace wearing cowboy boots.
“The convenience of having just white socks in your drawer is compelling,” Patterson went on to explain. “No more ‘is this sock blue or black?’ as you fumble in the early AM. In fact, with nothing but white socks (preferably same brand and purchased at once so they age similarly), you don’t even need to fold them — just throw them in the drawer.”
Strong as Patterson’s white-sock defense was, however, the Texas politician felt the need to double-down in favor of the cowboy boot by citing Gov. Perry as a negative example.
“I lament the fact that our governor could now pass for a West Coast metrosexual and has embarrassed us all with his sartorial change of direction,” Patterson said.
Of Perry’s given excuse for no longer wearing cowboy boots — back pain exacerbated by their signature heels — Patterson said, “Tell Rick that boots can be purchased with normal heels.”
It may not be Nicki Minaj at the BET awards, but by the standards of conservative old white guys in Texas, that counts as shade.
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.