2014's fast food atrocities
Burger King's black cheeseburger: Made with squid ink and bamboo charcoal, arguably a symbol of meat's destructive effect on the planet. Only available in Japan.
A Republican senator from Wisconsin isn’t sure if he can believe that women are sexually harassed in the Senate because “he’s never seen that kind of behavior.”
Sen. Ron Johnson expressed his skepticism on a conservative talk show after he was asked about the harassment New York Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand said she faced after she gave birth. According to Gillibrand, an older male colleague told her, “Good thing you’re working out, because you wouldn’t want to get porky!” Another advised her, “Don’t lose too much weight now. I like my girls chubby.” (Related: With all of this conflicting input, Gillibrand must have felt really confused about whether she was too fat or just fat enough.)
In honor of Johnson’s wise observation that it is irresponsible to believe in things that you have never seen, I have compiled a list of things, people and places that I have never seen, which I no longer believe are real.
Whales that are alive.
I have never seen a living whale in my life. I have seen the big dead one at the Museum of Natural History, so I know dead whales are real. But living whales? The jury is still out.
Albertsons grocery stores.
My friends from Kansas say that this grocery store exists, and insist that they have memories from their childhood of going there with their parents to buy things like cereal and eggs. But I’ve never seen one, so I’m going to vote “doesn’t exist.”
My friend Alana’s baby.
One of my closest friends just had a baby — or so she says. She left New York to live in Massachusetts just before she gave birth (“gave birth”). I’ve received lots of pictures of this “baby girl” since then, but I have never seen this baby with my own two eyes. So in all likelihood, she doesn’t exist. Which is why I haven’t mailed this sleep sack thing that I bought for her. Because babies that don’t exist don’t need sleep sacks.
Heard it’s nice, but I’ve never been. Last year I interviewed North Dakota State Rep. Kathy Hawken who was pretty insistent about North Dakota being real and existing, but I remain skeptical. Show me the proof, Hawken!
Abraham Lincoln and all of the other American presidents.
I have never in my life met or seen an American president in the flesh. Which is why, as a child in school, I used to tell my history teacher, “STOP MAKING ME LEARN ABOUT THESE MEN PLEASE. THEY AREN’T EVEN REAL. WHY ARE YOU WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME? MAY I PLEASE HAVE MY SNACK NOW BECAUSE MY MOTHER PACKED ME A DUNKAROOS AND I AM FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT IT.”
So many movies.
I have never seen “The Last Picture Show” and about a million other classics that I probably should have watched. But now that I know that never seeing them means that they don’t exist, I feel a lot better about it. Probably just going to go watch “The Purge” again because that movie definitely exists.
I’m supposed to believe that this guy from Wisconsin is real just because there is an Internet video of him giving an interview and saying ridiculous stuff? You think I was born yesterday? Nice try, jerks!
Domino's Specialty Chicken: It's like regular pizza, except instead of a crust, there's fried chicken. The company's marketing officer calls it "one of the most creative, innovative menu items we have ever had” -- brain power put to good use.
KFC'S ZINGER DOUBLE DOWN KING: A sandwich made by adding a burger patty to the infamous chicken-instead-of-buns creation can only be described using all caps. NO BUN ALL MEAT. Only available in South Korea.
Taco Bell's Waffle Taco: It took two years for Taco Bell to develop this waffle folded in the shape of a taco, the stand-out star of its new breakfast menu.
Krispy Kreme Triple Cheeseburger: Only attendees at the San Diego County Fair were given the opportunity to taste the official version of this donut-hamburger-heart attack combo. The rest of America has reasonable odds of not dropping dead tomorrow.
Taco Bell's Quesarito: A burrito wrapped in a quesadilla inside an enigma. Quarantined to one store in Oklahoma City.