Battle of the blondes

Jessica Simpson's Malibu Barbie, Xtina Aguilera and her assless chaps, and the unrepentantly slutty Paris Hilton face off with new records. Is this some kind of Republican plot?

By Cintra Wilson

Read more: Cintra Wilson, Arts & Entertainment, Christina Aguilera, Arts & Entertainment Features, Paris Hilton

Photos: Reuters/RCA

Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton.

Aug. 19, 2006 | Three blondes have albums coming out in August: Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson and ... yes, Paris Hilton, have already dropped their various single droppings into the Clear Channel pop airwaves, with full albums following.

This raises questions: How do we tell them apart? And, for that matter, how do we know that any of them aren't Ashlee Simpson?

All three "singers" are "blonde." At least two have had nose jobs, and at least two have had breast enhancements. Two are more famous for having sex than they are for singing. One is more famous than the other two for urinating in taxicabs because she dislikes public restrooms. And none of them are Ashlee Simpson -- but, squinting with both eyes and ears until only the clap track, white head and boobies are apparent ... can it really be said that any of them are actually not Ashlee Simpson?

Lastly, why does this locustlike proliferation of blondes seem to somehow be ... a Republican plot?

Conventional beauty has long been attainable for anyone willing to throw enough time, effort and cash at it. If there is one thing we have learned from great Hollywood makeup artists like the late Kevyn Aucoin, just about anyone without severe craniofacial deformities can look TV sexy with enough lighting, spackle, tweezing and shellac, if they are properly blow-dried and in a comely mood. Add D cups, rhinoplasty and peroxide, and the world is your birthday pony.

If the advent of J.Lo taught us anything, it was that Madonna was no anomaly: If you can shake your bon-bon with enough Will to Power, it is entirely unnecessary for a pop star to be able to sing. With enough audio pancake concealer, multiple track layerings, a loose reverb wrist, 130 beats per minute and a sweaty cleavage video, the ordinary bleatings of any leaky sex doll can become a virtual cash cow of spring-break anthems.

Of the three blondes in question, Christina Aguilera should probably be eliminated first in terms of Ashlee interchangeability, mostly because:

1. She is a serious and talented musician, and
2. She's black now.

Xtina, with last Tuesday's release of her "Back to Basics" album, is now officially the blackest nonblack blonde in town, Mariah Carey and Beyoncé notwithstanding.

Xtina, if not a Southern Baptist in practice, certainly has that epileptic Pentacostal spirit and packs so much wailing melisma into her new tracks as to evoke Aretha Franklin standing on a mythical cliff at dawn, calling all the world's gospel soloists to swim toward her that she might lead them to safety.

Her "Ain't No Other Man" single (in English and Ebonic) is thought to be dirrty grrl Aguilera's comeback after the four years of relative obscurity since her last album, "Stripped" (2002).

It's been an interesting last four years for blondes with breasts in the pop world during the rise of Bush. Some female recording artists with audiences containing large numbers of red-state tweens -- (that is, nearly all major female pop artists) -- found it smart to pander to groups like the Silver Ring Thing, or SRT -- a Christian outreach organization that, with the help of more than $1 million in government money from the federal faith-based initiatives program, threw concerts and gave silver rings to youths who vowed chastity and/or abstinence until marriage. Xtina, in her brazen-hussy phase, was distastefully regarded by many young CD-buying Christians -- some from teen "studies" conducted by SRT -- as "giving it away for free."

Xtina laid down her assless chaps in 2004 to interview SRT members at its national headquarters for an MTV documentary, ostensibly to pay lip service to chastity. (In 2005, the ACLU, peeved that SRT was blatantly using tax dollars to promote Christianity, sued the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, and SRT's funding was suspended -- though they've promised to continue spreading their message.)

In any case, SRT's ugly mark of sexual conservatism is upon the pop world: Xtina married young, just like Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Avril Lavigne, and Pink -- and the libertinage of this generation's female rock stars seems effectively circumcised.

Aguilera has admitted that she "cleaned up" her act for this new album. There are, ostensibly, some God-fearing songs: "Makes Me Wanna Pray" takes an old piano track from Traffic's "Feelin' Alright" and makes what sounds like a large Bronx choir hustle for Jesus in the pews behind it. "Oh Mother" gives weepy R&B artist Mary J. Blige a run for her money in the BET soap opera lyric department. But to answer those who may suspect she sold out her cookies to aid in repressive political sexual engineering, Xtina released a song on Aug. 12 called "Still Dirrty."

I still got the nasty in me
Still got that dirrty beat...

SRT may have lost its federal canine molars, but still, one cannot help but feel it is a shame that an actually talented recording artist ever felt enough painful market pressure to go "clean" in the first place.

Next page: In truth, Paris' album doesn't suck half as much as it ought to