My dream TV show

We asked some of the most creative minds we could think of to imagine their fantasy program. The result? Boxing bloopers! Funny straight men! Zombies! And much, much more.

Editor's note: This is Part 1 of a two-part series. Today's contributors are John Darnielle, Phil Rosenthal, Jill Soloway, Greg Gutfeld and Mike Albo.

Read more: Arts & Entertainment, Arts & Entertainment Features

Aug. 24, 2006 | John Darnielle is the lead singer of the Mountain Goats, whose new album, "Get Lonely," comes out this week.

The problem with designing an ideal TV show is that there already was one, and it was called "The New Zoo Revue," but a cold and uncaring world allowed its time to pass. Someday God will kill us all for this, and you won't be able to say I didn't tell you so, because I just now did, but in the meantime here are the shows that might actually persuade my household to get cable again:

1. This Week in Boxing featuring Sebastian Bach

Boxing is the most under-represented sport on television, especially seeing as it is better than all the other sports; lame reality-TV boxing shows do not count as boxing any more than mashed-up aspirins count as cocaine. Sebastian Bach is one of those once-famous metal dudes who flaunt their manic tendencies a little too much when they're on-camera, but he's also a pretty bright guy who'd do a killer blow-by-blow if he could just stay focused. This show will broadcast three boxing matches by ranked fighters once a week, in prime time. I get misty thinking about it.

2. This Week in Boxing History with your host Sarah Dougher

I don't think Sarah actually cares about boxing, but she's a classicist and a good one at that, which means she could bring a focused historical approach to the commentary she'll give on this show's completely rad library of rare old boxing films. At the end of the show each week, Dougher will sit in with a musical guest, and they'll play a song written especially for that episode: "Blues in A for Louis Firpo," say, by Morrissey & Marr, together again at last, unable to resist the allure of penning an ode to the Wild Bull of the Pampas.

3. International Boxing Scene starring Khaosai Galaxy

OK, most non-boxing people have never even heard of Khaosai Galaxy, and he may or may not speak English, but in my imaginary television universe, Americans are not too obstinate to enjoy a subtitled show. Galaxy, a super-flyweight and the greatest Thai boxer of all time, retired as champion in 1991 with a stunning record of 49-1. Unlike some other camera hogs I could name, he never attempted a comeback. IBSSKG will report on boxing scenes not covered by Sebastian Bach's show: Egypt, Uganda, that whole Russian thing that's been exporting bruisers for a decade now. Network execs: I will personally donate money and whatever muscle I might have to make this show happen. You have my number.

4. Home Boxing Bloopers with Bob Saget and Yog-Sothoth

People send in footage of their baby knocking out the neighbor kid or something. I haven't got this one entirely doped out yet. The main thing is that it's really violent, and is hosted by Bob Saget and one of H.P. Lovecraft's Old Ones. Much give-and-go comedy in the commentary as Saget resists being sucked through the Gate between the Now and the Absolute. Greatly loved by stoners and conspiracy theorists.

5. This Week in Boxers (rotating host).

This is just a news broadcast, probably on PBS: in-depth reports on the situation in Central America, that sort of thing. Hosted, in his underpants, by whichever reigning champion in any weight class happens to be available and needs the money. Anybody who doesn't feel in his heart that this is the show to save public broadcasting needs to learn to take the long view. The donations will start rolling in the minute people see Nikolai Valuev lifting his gigantic paw to indicate Guatemala on a globe. Trust me.

Next page: The creator of "Everybody Loves Raymond" returns with a comedy for the ages!