I Like to Watch

Therapy time! You're going to need a little dose of the talking cure to replace those outdated sitcoms -- or even good ones like "That '70s Show" -- with modern upgrades like "The Office."

By Heather Havrilesky

Read more: TV, Arts & Entertainment, Heather Havrilesky, The Office, I Like to Watch

Jan. 29, 2006 | I have to level with you this week, chickens: You need therapy. I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but you're reaching a breaking point and it would be irresponsible for me to stand by and watch your life fall to pieces. It's obvious that you need professional help; it's as plain as the nose on your dysfunctional face.

Luckily for you, I happen to be a therapist. Of course, I don't have an actual advanced degree in clinical psychology, but I did major in psychology in college, and I could probably tell you which stage of development you're currently in, in Eriksonian terms, if I did the reading in my developmental psychology class, which I didn't. True, technically, I'm not clinically trained, but I've been dispensing free, bad advice for several years now, and not one of my clients has sued me yet. If that's not the definition of a successful therapy practice, I don't know what is.

Here's what concerns me the most about your current state: You seem rudderless. Meaning, if your life were a boat, that boat would have no rudder. The rudder is the part of the boat that points the boat in the right direction. You're missing a rudder. Also, your skin looks ruddy. Ruddy skin is a sure sign of depression. You're not eating anything green these days, are you? Yes, I can tell. You know you're depressed when all you do is eat starch and cheese and watch "Law & Order" reruns.

Speaking of which, your viewing habits concern me greatly. It seems like you can't get into any of the new shows, you're too stuck in the past. In fact, a little bird told me that you actually cried when you found out that "The West Wing" was going off the air.

He also told me that you pee in the shower. You're gross!

Come into my office
That sense of shame you're feeling right now is totally healthy, so lean into it. Leeeean into it, chickens. Feel the burn of hot shame on your face. Remember, it's all right to feel things, just as long as no one ever sees you doing it.

Once the shame subsides -- don't rush it! -- let's examine some of the reasons you aren't watching NBC's "The Office" (9:30 p.m. Thursdays), which was just renewed for another season. First, you were very attached to the BBC version of "The Office." Hey, who wasn't? I totally get it. Second, you spend Thursday nights watching "The OC." That's completely understandable, even though your hesitancy to get a second cable feed and a TiVo with two inputs and a high-definition TV with Surround Sound and a decent sound system completely stuns and confounds me, and leads me to believe you're not only impractical, but a wee bit immature as well. Nevertheless, you love "The OC." I get it.

Third, you're suspicious of anything on NBC these days, since everyone says that NBC is the lamest network of all. You're a follower, after all, and if everyone is kicking NBC while it's down, well, you're going to be right there kicking along with them. Fine.

Fourth, you caught the first few episodes of "The Office," and they were almost exactly the same as the first few episodes of the BBC version of the show, only worse. Why would they do that? What is wrong with them?

Fifth, you don't think Steven Carell can hold a candle to Ricky Gervais, even though you haven't seen much of Carell in action, to be honest. You just love Ricky Gervais. Fair enough.

So you have your reasons, and let me make it crystal clear that I totally understand. Although I can't really relate to being a pathetic follower type with an inadequate home entertainment system, I do feel for you, sort of, or I would if I got really drunk and then concentrated really, really hard on how sad and empty your life is. But here's the thing: The NBC version of "The Office" is becoming damn good. Carell does a great job of embodying the charmless, aging dork who has no taste, no friends, no boundaries, no life outside of work, and no notion of what a loser he is. Michael is the guy who goes to Hooters for an office lunch with an underling, then flirts shamelessly with the waitress -- who's obviously disgusted, but of course Michael doesn't notice. Then he pretends it's Jim's (John Krasinski) birthday so the Hooters waitresses have to do the bouncing booby birthday dance. (Have you ever seen this dance? It'll make you feel damn proud to be an American and totally mortified to be an American, at the exact same time.)

I also loved the episode where Michael was attending an acting improv class. In every improvised scene, he would ignore whatever the other students were already doing, and would mime busting in the door, pointing a gun at the other students, and saying: "Boom! Detective Michael Scott! I'm with the FBI!"

Next page: Mourning the invisible weed in "That 70's Show"