I Like to Watch

May 20, 2007 | Last week, the fates decided which TV programs would get the ax and which would live to see another day. And by "fates" I mean, of course, the network executives, cruel in their whimsy, cackling over their TV schedules like heartless brokers of destiny. As the yearly upfront presentations unfolded in New York, some low-rated critical darlings were spared, while others' lives were cruelly cut short by those merciless, expensively suited agents of doom!

NBC
Before we get to the heartbreaking losses doled out by the demons in Brioni, let's start by giving NBC a hearty slap on the back for bringing back the moving but low-rated drama "Friday Night Lights." The show will be airing, appropriately enough, at 10 p.m. on Friday nights, a nice gift to shut-ins nationwide who still long for the days when "Battlestar Galactica" graced the Friday night lineup. NBC is also bringing back the plucky and lovable "30 Rock," and axing Aaron Sorkin's sucky and unlovable "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip."

Lest there be any doubt that NBC has the geek demographic in its sights, not only is "Heroes" back, but NBC will air a six-episode series called "Heroes: Origins" which will introduce a new character every week and invite viewers to vote on which one they want to join the "Heroes" cast. The network is also adding two geeky pilots: "The IT Crowd," a knockoff of a British comedy about a gaggle of basement-dwelling techies who keep the informational systems of a corporation operational while loathing everyone who dwells upstairs, "Office Space"-style, and "Chuck," a drama (brought to you by "OC" creator Josh Schwartz) about a nerd who turns into a spy when he accidentally downloads top-secret information to -- wait for it -- his brain! Holy comic-book concept, Batman! Too bad it doesn't star natural-born wiseass/nerd Adam Brody.

And that's not all! Apparently to become the destination of choice for the "Heroes" crowd, NBC has also picked up "Journeyman," about a newspaper reporter who can travel through time (Hmm. "Quantum Leap" and a few other failed pilots with names I can't remember spring to mind) and "Bionic Woman," -- yes, that's right -- a revamp of Jamie Sommers story co-created by "Battlestar Galactica's" David Eick. Personally, I always preferred "The Six Million Dollar Man," but that's because Lee Majors was muy macho and muy depressed. What's next? A reimagined "Kojak"? An Iraqi version of "M.A.S.H."?

ABC
ABC should get props for killing the painfully awful "According to Jim" (no official word but it's not on the fall schedule) and the generally pretty-bad "George Lopez," and for limiting "Lost" to three more seasons, during which we can only assume that we'll learn something about the stupid island. Naturally ABC renewed "Ugly Betty" (Hurray!), "Men in Trees" (Huh?) and "Brothers and Sisters" (Boo!) and picked up "Private Practice," the "Grey's Anatomy" spinoff that underwhelmed audiences a few weeks ago. As if that didn't seal its image as the Network of Girly Girls, they're bringing back "The Bachelor" (Consider "The Bachelor: Masseuse, Poet and Five-Star Chef" next year, ladies) and "Notes From the Underbelly" which is about childbearing, but honest to God, it's pretty funny. OK, there, I said it!

And as if that weren't enough to forever brand ABC as the Network That Wears a Skirt, it also picked up "Women's Murder Club," a drama pilot about gals who solve crimes, starring Angie Harmon"; "Sam I Am," a drama about a woman who gets amnesia and can't remember who she is, starring Christina Applegate (sounds like that annoying story line on "Grey's Anatomy," but stretched out to last way too long); "Cashmere Mafia," a drama about four successful women in New York City produced by Darren Starr of "Sex and the City" fame; and "Dirty Sexy Money," a soapy drama about a lawyer (Peter Krause) who goes to work for a wealthy family. And who in the world doesn't want a little Narm back on the small screen?

In a transparent move to make itself look muy macho, the Network That Shaves Its Armpits also picked up "Big Shots," a pilot about four CEOs who go to the same country club and kill with the ladies. I like that concept, actually, as long as they can stray away from "Mind of the Married Man" territory -- you know, maybe one of the guys can have actual blood flowing through his veins and real thoughts jangling around in his head and a soul and stuff. Either way, throwing a Man Show into the mix is sort of like giving the Network That Lactates a tie and a fake mustache.

Even so, I just want to take a minute and applaud the Network That Smells Nice for having the courage to make TV that's soft and pretty for us girls. I don't like "Brothers & Sisters" and never got into "Men in Trees" and I hate "Desperate Housewives," but I'm glad that shows like "Ugly Betty" and "Grey's Anatomy" and "Notes From the Underbelly" have a happy, comfortable home on the TV dial. Because, after decades of grumpy procedural dramas, it's nice that there's a comfy hot-pink refuge stocked with lots of a) hunky sensitive types to ogle, b) gay men to cackle with, and/or c) jokes about PMS, childbirth and fashion. Just give us a fewer lip-biting wishy-washers and a few more heroines who are confident and unapologetic (Rachael Harris' character on "Notes From the Underbelly" is a good start) and we'll be happy. Or we'll say we're happy, and then we'll post something mean about you on our blogs.

The other networks, the ones that don't Bring Life Into the World and Nurture It Passionately, seem to be following ABC into girly territory, too: NBC added "Lipstick Jungle" to its midseason lineup, a dramedy about three successful women in New York City, based on the book by Candace Bushnell of "Sex and the City" fame (sound familiar?), and CW added "Gossip Girl," about rich teenagers in New York who post mean things about you on their blogs. But now I'm getting ahead of myself. First things first...

Next page: CBS gets crazy; HBO gets drunk?