I Like to Watch

July 1, 2007 | Subcultures are boring. Remember the good old days, when we thought they were rebellious and exciting? In those days, you had to know someone who owned a comic book store or listened to ska or collected Smurfs. You had to do a little bit of research. You had to ask around.

But now they're all a Google search away: the foot fetishists, the lactose intolerant, the Dungeon Masters, the chronically fatigued, the Sailor Moon fan fiction writers, the plushies. Today, instead of making friends with like-minded hobbyists and Hobbits, you just wander around alone on eBay, or write elaborate posts on Amazon about your Japanese anime-punk wiki and your Kenyan emo and the really great Czechoslovakian graphic novel you're reading.

Nowadays, the underground is aboveground, and subverting the dominant paradigm is the dominant paradigm.

And a bottle of rum
What I really mean to say is that I hate pirates. I don't like their pierced noses or their eyeliner or their tangled hair or the way they talk like Keith Richards or the big hooks they use in place of their amputated hands. Pirates are just thieves and murderers who are romanticized because they roam the high seas. Come on now, who really wants to roam the high seas, vomiting and getting scurvy, except for the half insane?

The only thing I hate more than pirates are people who identify strongly with pirates -- you know, Deadheads and Oakland Raiders fans.

Leave it to Mark Burnett to tap into this lamentable subculture as an excuse to air a summertime, seafaring twist on "Survivor." On "Pirate Master" (8 p.m. Thursdays on CBS), the contestants live on a huge ship with real sails, which looks nice, but they never seem to sail anywhere that has real waves or is deeper than about 3 feet. Mostly, they just cruise around the same set of scrubby islands in the Caribbean, places that look like the buggy, soggy, undeveloped wooded areas that most of us played in as kids -- you know, back when there was undeveloped land on the planet.

So, aside from scrambling up the sails valiantly like they're about to hit the open ocean, what do the pirates actually do? Here's how it works: Each week, the pirates must open a drawer in a treasure chest called the "Chest of Zanzibar" for a brand-new treasure map. Then, they paddle their boats to a nearby island and run and run through the scrubby woods, and then yell at each other and look at the map again and splash around in some muddy, gross water, and ... Come to think of it, the whole thing is just like playing with the neighbor kids in the woods, pushing each other into mud puddles, pretending the sand along the nasty creek bed is quicksand, and getting eaten alive by big mosquitoes.

But best (or worst?) of all, instead of snickering and rolling their eyes every time they hear about the stupid Chest of Zanzibar (which Australian host Cameron Daddo comically calls the "Cheest of Zanzeebah") the so-called pirates seem to take the whole pirate thing extremely seriously. They say things like "In my real life, I'm a land pirate" or "That's the way it should probably be on a pirate ship" or "Get ready to set sail, pirates!" They're never being ironic or having a laugh, either -- they're very solemn about it. They fancy themselves born to roam the high seas, thieving and murdering and smelling like old cheese.

Yes, there are some major jackasses in the mix here. Take Joe Don. (Is that his made-up pirate name?) After his team voted for him to become captain, he immediately began referring to himself in the third person: "This is what the captain does" or "It's the captain's job to keep himself separate from the crew," etc.

And then there's Louie, who hated Joe Don with a vengeance the second Joe Don became captain. In two episodes running, Louie told us every few minutes how much he hated Joe Don, how he couldn't wait to mutiny and throw Joe Don out of power (which the pirates can do, but only if they agree unanimously). Even though as captain, Joe Don automatically got half of any treasure they found, Louie acted as if this was Joe Don's personal decision. "No captain is worth half the take!" he repeatedly growled. And later: "I sleep and I dream of setting Joe Don adrift!" Yar, matey!

We're told very little about Louie's real life, all we know is that he's a pirate who has certain feelings about how things should go on a pirate ship. It's as if Louie didn't exist until "Pirate Master" began, and he'll disappear into thin air when the show ends.

Then there's Azmyth, a white guy with dreads who began speaking in a really bad British accent the second he became captain. He squinted his eyes and scratched his chin and said things like, "I'm going to go look for a place to talk with God." Hot damn, is this guy captain, or is he the pope?

Honestly, where did Burnett find these freaks -- at a Phish show? Did he post an ad on Ye Olde Pirate's Forum online? Whatever he did, it worked a little too well: Witnessing all of these piratey fantasies coming true makes watching "Pirate Master" a little bit like stumbling on a room full of grown-ups involved in an elaborate sexual role-playing game. Amusing, yes, but also creepy.

And considering the fact that there are real pirates in Southeast Asia, thieving and murdering without stylish flourishes like jaunty head scarves and pierced noses, perhaps Burnett should consider other criminal themes. In terms of raw entertainment value, I'd prefer "Carjacker!" "So You Think You Can Shoplift" or "Kings of Counterfeit" (particularly if you could get the B52s to sign over the rights to "Legal Tender" as a theme song).

Next page: First wives rule!