I Like to Watch

Oct. 28, 2007 | After two full days of watching houses in Southern California burst into flames as updates on fires throughout the area scrolled by, it didn't seem like much of a stretch to imagine that the apocalypse was just around the corner.

But let's look on the bright side: If these are the end times, at least that means we don't have to worry about watering the plants or vacuuming or doing the dishes. No matter how oppressive our to-do lists might be, it's relaxing, somehow, to think that they might be rendered irrelevant at any moment. After all, as we sit and watch our worldly possessions going up in flames, will we really be preoccupied over how disorganized they are, boxes teetering on top of other boxes, piles of clothes begging to be ironed at long last?

That's one nice thing about the apocalypse. Since all of your worst fears have come to pass, that means they can't rattle around in your brain any longer, tormenting you and keeping you up at night. Hurray!

In fact, when the world ends, you won't have to think about not having saved enough for retirement (what a relief!) or catching a disease (dodged that bullet!) or even what to make for dinner that night, since you'll simply open whatever cans of food are left in your kitchen and eat what's inside until they're all gone. I guess you could worry that your neighbors will come over, looking for food, and you'll have to kill them to protect your food supply so you can stay alive for another week. And granted, that's pretty worrisome.

But you know what? I bet when it actually happens it won't seem nearly as bad as it does right now!

Propheteering
That's probably what Nostradamus had to tell himself back in the 1550s, when he was writing his lengthy tomes on rivers of blood and burning towers and so forth. It couldn't have been easy, having elaborate visions of every single depressing event that awaited mankind. At some point, people just stop inviting you to parties.

But luckily for us, on the History Channel, the doomsday party never ends! The two-hour special "Lost Book of Nostradamus" (premieres at 9 p.m. on Sunday, Oct. 28) is clearly the work of true apocalypse-lovers and end-times fanatics, relishing the horrors that await us when Armageddon comes.

The special focuses on a recent discovery at the Italian National Library in Rome, a book of watercolor paintings that appears to have been created by Nostradamus. Even though two of the more somber scholars interviewed on camera assert that Nostradamus could never have created the paintings, both because his artistic talent was limited and because he preferred words to images, as evidenced by the rest of his work, the big Nostradamus fans tend to disagree.

And of course, Nostradamus' modern-day groupies, not exactly known for their skepticism, are more than willing to go out on a limb and explain to the camera exactly what each and every one of the cryptic symbols in the book mean, from announcing that the crescent moon symbolizes Islam to concluding that three drops of blood in one painting clearly stand for Napoleon, Hitler and Osama bin Laden.

But how did this strange document emerge after so long? While the Nostradamians are quick to conclude that the discovery "is definitely no accident" (keep in mind, these are people who don't think anything is an accident), it still seems odd that a journalist would stumble on such a historically significant find. But practical facts and details are on the back burner here, as the voice-over lures us deeper into the bowels of this repetitive special, assuring us that this mysterious book outlines exactly when the world will end. We're told this before every other commercial break, in fact, until we're pulling out our day planners, poised and ready to move up our vacations and work leaves based on this very pressing bit of information.

It's a long, long wait. While "Lost Book of Nostradamus" might be a nail-biting ride for those who have an insatiable taste for gloom and doom, for the rest of us, it gets a little tedious after the first half-hour. Over and over, we see the same reenactments of Nostradamus, fiddling thoughtfully with astrological models or gazing at the stars, while one of the doom seekers waxes less-than-poetic on the man's enormous powers (one fan actually describes him as "the go-to guy for prophecy"). "But when does the world end?!!" we finally scream at our TV screens, no doubt scaring the hell out of our neighbors.

I would tell you the date of the apocalypse right now and save you the trouble of watching, but I don't want to spoil all the fun for those of you who'd rather live in fearful anticipation of that special day for the next five years.

Oops.

Evil-natured robots, etc.
Sorry. But now that you realize you only have five more years to live, you'll find it easier to relate to Jaime Sommers (Michelle Ryan) of NBC's "Bionic Woman" (9 p.m. Wednesdays). Yes, it's true she can crush a man's ribcage with her bare hands and run 60 miles an hour and jump very, very high, but Jaime is in deep trouble, because the anthrocites (huh?) that keep the bionics from being rejected by her body eventually "become fatigued," and the bionics systems "cease to function." Basically, she'll fall to pieces over the course of the next five years, lending a sense of urgency to every day of her short life -- not unlike the sense of urgency the writers of "Bionic Woman" must feel to boost ratings, which have been falling steadily since the show premiered a few weeks ago.

And you can tell that Jaime feels this sense of urgency, because she delivers her lines with a husky, menacing whisper -- as does everyone else on this cheesy hellhole of a bad '80s-era B-movie of a dorky nightmare of a show.

Next page: I'll be your robotic freakazoid. Come on and wind me up!