I Like to Watch

Nov. 4, 2007 | Home prices are down, says the New York Times, and so is confidence. Consumers on the street have been spotted slouching, stuttering and staring at their shoes, and experts believe that those indicators will only increase as home prices continue to decline precipitously while adjustable-rate mortgages skyrocket.

In addition to the 15 percent delinquency rate on subprime loans this month, a fifth of people surveyed believe that they are "worthless" and "old" and "fat" and they'll "never amount to anything." And slightly more Americans expect to miss a car payment, gain four to five pounds, get demoted at work or ejaculate prematurely over the next few months.

"I always thought I'd quit this job some day and write a novel," one consumer told this reporter. "But now it's clear that day will never come." When asked about his outlook for the next two years, he responded, "I'm going to be the same loser I've always been, only I'll have bigger love handles, darker circles under my eyes and even more credit card debt."

The share of consumers who believe happiness is just around the corner dropped below 25 percent for the first time since August 2006. Meanwhile, an October survey of consumers indicated that those who believe that "It's all good" fell to their lowest level in two years, while those who believe that "It is what it is" increased by 34 percent.

The cheese stands alone
As the housing market and the U.S. dollar tumble downhill and America's self-confidence plummets with them, how can we boost morale and get our groove back as a people?

The answer is cheese, my friend, good old-fashioned American cheese. If you're feeling blue over your impending foreclosure, go out and buy a massive cheeseburger and some freedom fries and an enormous, icy cola, and stuff it all into your fat face while you enjoy a steady stream of ridiculously stupid shows on TV.

Because a veritable revolution of cheese, unseen since the mid-'70s, is unfolding on the small screen for your viewing pleasure. Perhaps as a result of the uncertainty in the air from terrorism, global health scares and a shaky economy, American pop culture is odd and manic and ludicrous and over the top and deeply cheesy right now, and you really, really shouldn't miss it.

At the very least, sit back and allow me to describe it to you in filthy detail. I personally guarantee you that, for the next three minutes at least, you'll forget about your late mortgage payments, lost as you'll be in a gooey, chewy universe of the rankest, stankiest cheesestuffs.

Uh oh, it's magic!
We begin with the crown jewel, the strangest, cheesiest show to come along since Drunk Asshole Hotel (and that's saying a lot): NBC's "Phenomenon" (8 p.m. EST Wednesdays), a live show aimed at locating the "next great American mentalist."

Yes, mentalist. Even though that sounds about as exciting as a search for the "next great American orthodontist," it seems magic isn't nearly a magical enough word for today's TV magicians. Apparently, when viewers hear the word "magic," they picture David Copperfield in flared polyester pants, glowering and making menacing gestures for the camera while dry ice floats about at his ankles. Or they picture an old guy in a nursing home, boring the hell out of everyone with his long-winded card tricks.

In order to escape such a stigma, "magic" seems to have been recast as some vague paranormal essence, a mix of mind reading and levitation and such. The words "magic trick" and "illusion" and "illusionist" have also fallen out of favor, replaced by a perplexingly imprecise and repetitive vocabulary: What we see instead are mentalists and mystifiers, performing mental feats and using their mystical mental powers to mystify the audience!

To be fair, the mentalists on "Phenomenon" do mystify us, either by molesting Carmen Electra using only their minds or by guessing what Electra or the other C-list guinea pigs have drawn on pieces of paper. But my favorite competitors are the ones who threaten to severely injure or kill themselves on live TV. On the first episode, one of the mentalists played Russian roulette with a nail gun. What better way to amp up the suspense and excitement, after all, than by threatening to shoot a nail into your brain while the cameras roll?

But the highlight of the first episode came when Uri Geller announced his intention to complete an "interactive mental challenge." Aiming to "test the intuitive abilities" of the viewers at home, Geller told the camera, "For this to work, I really need you to focus." OK, Uri! We'll try!

Next, Geller showed the viewers at home five ESP symbols, then secretly drew one of them on a card, which he placed in a locked box not to be opened until the end of the show. After that, he became very, very intense and serious, and pointed at the camera.

Geller: Now, I want everyone to stare into my eyes. (Points at his eyes.) I'm going to say "one, two three," and I will project the symbol into your mind. Now we'll do this three times. Are you ready? And try to use your intuitive abilities to receive it. I will visualize the symbol. (Takes off his glasses.) Stare deeply into my eyes. Here we go. One, two, three! One more time. This time, I'm going to shout out the symbol, from my mind into yours. Ready? One two three! And the last time, one, two, three. Much energy!

Host: Thank you, Uri. So, what symbol are you sensing, America? Is it the square, the star, the circle, the cross or the wavy lines? Let us know now by logging onto NBC.com and tell us what symbol you received. Stay tuned because we'll be revealing the results later in the show. Can't wait to see what you've chosen!

I don't know about the rest of America, but personally, I'd chosen to watch every second of this show until it's off the air.

Next page: "I will try to die tonight, for your pleasure"