I Like to Watch

Feb. 10, 2008 | God wants you to watch more TV. He mentioned this to me while we were drawing Jesus' face on a bunch of flour tortillas that he plans to serve at a Catholic retreat in New Mexico next weekend. "It bums me out that so many of my flock think they should be working for nonprofit organizations or volunteering for political campaigns. Half of them haven't even noticed that 'Paradise Hotel' is back! Why would they squander my most precious gifts this way?"

"I don't have the answer to that one, Allah, Yahweh ... Which do you prefer these days?"

"Don't start with me today. I'm not in the mood. Why would I have made humans in my own wishy-washy, dissatisfied image if I didn't want them to wander around the house in circles, then melt some cheese on top of something and eat it while watching 'Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew'"? God frowned and tugged at his robes as if they were unbearably scratchy.

"I hear you, Almighty Father, but you have to remember that most people are just as full of self-loathing as you are, so when they find themselves enjoying the simple pleasures of, say, an apocalyptic serial drama or a transgender dating show, they think there must be something wrong with them."

"Guilt was a serious blunder on my part. I thought it would keep people from raping each other's wives and killing each other with their bare hands, but instead it just gave them anxiety disorders and substance abuse problems." I nodded along without really listening -- sometimes God is just so wound up in his own little dramas.

"I blame myself, frankly. I coddled Shakespeare and Hemingway and those boys because I wanted to encourage them to write their little books and plays, but now it's like the world thinks it's not fun to watch hot sluts get drunk and bag on each other. Meanwhile, Willy himself loves that shit -- we're doing 'Paradise Hotel 2' night every Monday and 'Big Brother' night every Tuesday ..."

"Honestly, I think a lot of people are more concerned with the election, the recession, this brutal war we're waging in Iraq ..."

"Oh, stop it. You're such a downer these days. Hey, look at this one!" God held up the tortilla he was working on. "Doesn't that look like a tear in his eye? This one'll wind up in a glass shrine somewhere, mark my words!"

All televised creations, great and small
While I sometimes share your ambivalence toward the small screen during these trying times, Our Heavenly Creator insists that I point out some of the perky new TV shows that are sprouting up here and there. I don't really trust God's guidance in the matter, but I'm not about to piss him off, lest he taketh away the precious gift of this job and replace it with a real job laying asphalt or harvesting corn or providing phone support to disgruntled AT&T customers nationwide.

So here's a rundown of a few curiosities sprouting up on your TV dial. Thou shalt stop kvetching about global warming for a second and enjoy God's limitless bounty. (God's words, not mine.)

"How to Look Good Naked" 9 p.m. Fridays on Lifetime
God hath blessed plucky reality-show host Carson Kressley with the gift of spontaneous humor and endless good cheer, and he wants to share his little gay sunbeam with the whole wide world. The former "Queer Eye" personality is the ringleader of this highly unusual makeover show, which focuses more on attitude than looks, encouraging each female subject to feel confident and happy with herself just the way she is. That's right, instead of setting each lady up with plastic surgeons and personal trainers, Carson plasters a giant photo of his female guest in just a bra and panties on the side of a building, then shows his guest the footage of men and women on the street, complimenting her assets. Yes, it's very odd, but this warm, fuzzy show feels like a much-needed antidote to the absurdly unrealistic messages that the fashion and movie industries give women about their bodies. Carson is both heartfelt and as funny as ever as the host, and watching each woman come to a newfound confidence and comfort with herself is pretty irresistible.

"Make Me a Supermodel" 10 p.m. Thursdays on Bravo
With all of this self-acceptance and flab tolerance floating around, the good Lord knows we're going to need some superfit young hotties to traipse around half-naked and remind us that we're fat and ugly all over again. Bravo's "Make Me a Supermodel" heeds the call, picking up where tyrannical Tyra and her increasingly insipid band of airheads left off a few years ago. Unlike "America's Next Top Model," which has grown more fluffy and cloying every season, "Make Me a Supermodel" features photo shoots that are both authentic and somewhat torturous -- you know, like the "ANTM" photo shoots of yore? The contestants on "MMAS" are both male and female, and include some seriously weird characters, from Ben, the prison guard who flirts openly with his gay roommate, Ronnie, to Perry, the consummate pro with an alarmingly sharp sense of humor. Spend a few minutes in Perry's company, and suddenly all of your supportive self-talk will fly out the window. ("I want meat Chiclets and a sparkling wit, too! Waaa!")

"Welcome to the Captain" 8 p.m. Mondays on CBS
Ever wonder what happens when an insecure, bland-looking slacker moves into a kooky apartment building with an assortment of kooky Hollywood types? No? Well, kookiness ensues! God only knows why CBS picked up this disastrously stupid pilot -- actually, this one's a total mystery even to God. In the first episode, our drippy lead, Josh (Fran Kranz), courts a hot babe who gives him acupuncture, only she's not very good at it! Bahaha! Then Josh finds out the babe has a boyfriend, so he sleeps with the older vixen (Raquel Welch) on the first floor. Assuming that Josh "nailed" a younger woman, his friend Marty (Chris Klein) gushes, "I am psyched, man! ... Do you know how much Wilmer Valderrama spent on condoms last year? $8,300, and it's all tax deductible!" Yeah, this one is about as smart and subtle as a bag full of MC Hammers.

Next page: A sketch show that's big and gay?