I Like to Watch

While most reality TV starts to repeat itself, CBS's "The Amazing Race" and Bravo's "Top Chef" both age gracefully.

By Heather Havrilesky

Read more: TV, Survivor, Arts & Entertainment, Heather Havrilesky, I Like to Watch

Dec. 7, 2008 | Once, reality TV was a brave new frontier filled with unknown treasures. But now that we've looted every inch of that land, we know every worthless trinket it has to offer: the sassy teenager who doesn't care what people think and bemoans "drama" while stirring it up everywhere she goes. The Botoxed, spandex-clad middle-aged perfectionist with the fake boobs and the spray tan who marries rich, then spends the balance of her days reorganizing her walk-in closets in a Lexapro-addled haze. The beefy himbo with the waxed meat Chiclets whose aggressive remarks hide a deep-seated insecurity about this own intelligence. The frumpy alterna-geek in the nubby coat with the sewing machine in her living room. The snippy pageant queen. The snooty, narcissistic professional gay. The tattooed rocker who does a nice organic mushroom risotto.

We know every one of these reality archetypes all too well by now. Or rather, we know how they talk to a camera about themselves, and how they react to losing the flower-arranging challenge, and what they think about men who refuse to flirt with them or antisocial girls who make the same dress over and over again.

But they used to be so much fun, in the old days! Their lack of self- awareness was a constant source of amusement; their emotional blind spots were endlessly fascinating. "Of course he can't stand her, because she's so frank about her feelings," I'd blurt at my husband, shoving another oatmeal cookie down my gullet. "Obviously he wants the sort of girl who giggles at her feet all the time," he'd add, reaching for the last cookie.

Ah, the glory days! It was so easy to be a know-it-all, to take part in this psychological craft project, wrapping real people up in the packages that producers had pre-selected for us.

But now maybe it's time to go outside and play instead.

Getting wet with the jet set

Nah, outside is boring! I want my TV to keep me entertained. And when I'm feeling really impatient, the same old herd of mystical procedurals and farcical dramedies just won't cut it. I need my reality TV fix, damn it.

Thank the TV gods for the enduring appeal of shows like "The Amazing Race" (8 p.m. Sundays on CBS), which remain entertaining regardless of the personalities involved. Even in the show's 13th season, the producers never limit themselves to the same old types we've seen a hundred thousand times before. In other words, instead of looking for perky sociopaths, they try to find a wide range of people who are tough to shove into any obvious slot, even after several weeks enduring the stress of traveling the world on a limited budget of time and money.

Competitors Dan and Andrew, for example, are whiny, witty, obnoxious, easily discouraged Jewish frat boys with soft bodies and fluffy hair. I can't remember seeing this particular type anywhere else on TV (although one of them did live in my house for about two years, roughly the amount of time it took for me to get tired of doing bong hits and watching the Australian Open for five hours a day). Mercifully, we don't have to sit through a lot of footage of Dan and Andrew talking about themselves or their attitudes (like I did). Instead, we witness them as they encounter each torturous challenge with an endless torrent of complaints, attacks and second-guessing. It's a front-row seat to the Neurotic Traveler Variety Show, and I think I'd be happy watching it for a full hour every week if I could. Whether it's Andrew trying to iron clothes in India only to see half of them get blown to the ground by a huge gust of wind, or Dan, trying to march with Russian soldiers and looking more like Elaine trying to dance on "Seinfeld," these two struggle valiantly, then disparage each other's efforts, then struggle valiantly once more. They're squishy and sad and small, yes, but they're also sort of lovable, like having a pudgy, semi-pathetic fraidy-cat of a little brother. He's crying now, sure, he'll cheer up if you buy him a Frosty!

Siblings Nick and Starr Spangler (yes, their parents should be prosecuted for that one), on the other hand, are cheerful, can-do cheerleader types who keep winning, winning, winning! But you don't understand, they love each other, like, sooo much. God, it's crazy how close they feel, after working as a team on this race! These two were placed on the face of the Earth to make ordinary mortals feel shitty about themselves. It's certainly working on Dan and Andrew.

And then there's Ken and Tina, the couple whose marriage is on the rocks due to Ken's infidelity and Tina's constant nagging. He's a former NFL player, and yes, she's a Botoxed, spandex-clad middle-aged perfectionist with fake boobs who married rich -- but we're not seeing her in her McMansion, chatting with her handbag dog. We're watching her pushing her way through a crazed, celebrating mob in India or chasing live chickens in Kazakhstan. Grating though she may be, she tends to shut up and focus when there's a tough task at hand.

So who's likely to win Sunday night's season finale? Nick and Starr may be the most deserving, but I wouldn't mind seeing floundering frat brothers Dan and Andrew pull off a come-from-behind victory, if only because it'll make them the softest, whiniest, most improbable winners in the history of "The Amazing Race."

Next page: Vote off the lazy underdogs of "Survivor"!