I Like to Watch

Hey, ladies! Learn about potential suitors by studying these profiles of male archetypes Flavor Flav, Jeff Probst, Vic Mackey and Jack Bauer!

By Heather Havrilesky

Read more: TV, Survivor, Arts & Entertainment, Reviews, Heather Havrilesky, 24, I Like to Watch

Feb. 5, 2006 | It's come to my attention that many of you seem to think that TV is just the noise you turn on at night to make your microwaved meal go down more smoothly, and frankly, I can't let this dire misunderstanding continue for even a minute longer.

Listen to me and listen good: Television is an educational tool, a socializing force and a source of interpersonal enlightenment. The problem is not your TV, it's you. For example, when you turn on "24," are you looking for big, important lessons about love and life? No, you're waiting for stuff to blow up. When you tune in for "The Shield," are you gaining valuable insights into the sociocultural communication patterns of the urban police force? No, you're wondering if the team will go down in flames, thanks to the latest IAD investigation.

In order to demonstrate the immense volume of meaning, knowledge and understanding offered by the vast realm of televised entertainments, I'm going to focus on just one small layer of valuable information among countless rich, fertile layers available to the average viewer: TV as a resource guide to the male archetypes in the dating world.

There are lots of single ladies out there, looking for love but ending up with the same crappy guys over and over again. Why does this happen, when it could so easily be prevented? Why do these women repeat these patterns, when the male characters on their TV screens are demonstrating, slowly and clearly and repeatedly, the consequences of these dalliances?

Ladies, whether you fall for the strong, silent type or the flinchy commitment-phobe, by studying some of the major male characters inhabiting the small screen, you'll learn more about the quirks, endearing traits and major drawbacks of potential partners. Armed with a wealth of valuable information on the these male archetypes, you'll be better able to make solid decisions about the suitors in your life. That swarthy yet nurturing guy might be sexy in the sack, but did you know that he's likely to end up playing daddy to a creepy low-life with a little kid? Those nights of wining and dining at the Red Lobster might have your head in the clouds, but do you really want to settle down with a guy who walks around wearing a wall clock on his chest that's bigger than his entire head? Let's take a closer look at some of these universal male types before you go throwing yourself at someone who's liable to treat your emotional needs like they're just another tricky obstacle in a complicated sexual reward challenge.

Male Archetype: Jack Bauer of "24"

Nickname: Jumpy Jack

Likes: Preventing major terrorist attacks, torturing people, countdowns, teenagers in peril, stuff that might blow up, driving his Ford Expedition very fast, getting calls from the president on his cellphone.

Dislikes: Getting calls from his lady friends on his cellphone right when he's busy driving somewhere very fast or torturing someone, stuff that might blow up and then doesn't, relaxing evenings at home, cooking, red roses, long walks on the beach at sunset, scrapbooks, travel that doesn't involve international terrorist plots.

Best memory ever: That time when he was flying a plane armed with a nuclear bomb toward Palm Springs and just when he thought he was going to have to go down with the plane, George Mason, who he never really liked that much and who was about to die anyway, showed up and took control of the plane for him. Jack got to parachute to safety and watch a nuclear bomb go off in the distance! Awesome, dude!

Benefits: Friends in high places, sexy take-charge attitude, exciting lifestyle, rebellious streak a mile wide, doesn't sweat the small stuff or even the medium stuff, sometimes gets a tiny bit affectionate, like, say, when a terrorist is about to slit your throat or he's forced to fake his own death and will never see you again.

Drawbacks: Commitment-phobic, nonconfrontational. He'd slit your throat himself if the security of the nation depended on it. Also, he's liable to fake his own death just to avoid the unpleasantness of breaking up with you.

Emotional mantra: "I don't know! I don't know! I'm sorry, I have to go!"

Summary: Before you consider settling down with a guy like Jumpy Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland), consider his history with women. Sure, he'll probably give you the vague outline of his dating history, making it sound like he had some perfectly normal, long-term relationships, and then nine months into it, you'll find out his last girlfriend was the high-priced whore of a Mexican drug lord, and their relationship ended when she got shot during an international arms deal gone sour.

The simple truth is that Bauer (who appears on "24" at 9 p.m. EST Mondays on Fox) is the kind of guy who'll always be rushing off to save the world when he should be making you blueberry pancakes on a Sunday morning. Bauer can try all he likes to split his time between trying to prevent yet another disaster on American soil and trying to manage the women in his life, but it's his love life that's the real disaster.

Ladies, do you really want to end up like that redhead Diane with her needy, sad-eyed teenage son? After Jack gave her a send-off about as sensitive as the one you get from the hostess upon departing Applebee's, Red looked like she just polished off an entire fried onion, some shrimp-and-steak fajitas, and three blended Megaritas, hold the salt.

Maybe it was the Megaritas that made her confront Audrey Raines, Jack's former lover, to tell her that Jack said that he was still in love with Audrey. Audrey looked totally shocked and confused -- which isn't surprising, since she was actively making plans to get back together with her chumpy husband -- you know, right before he died because CTU had only one life-support system and Jack needed it to keep a terrorist alive so he could keep torturing him.

Look, it's important to let a guy have his little hobbies, even when those hobbies involve threatening to cut some guy's eyeballs out of his traitorous head. But do you really want to end up like Red, just another truck-stop town along the highway of Jumping Jack's crazy, messed-up, federal-agent life? I mean, sure, it's hard not to moon over a guy who fakes his own death and doesn't even tell you about it, then shows up at work one day like nothing ever happened. Granted, it's tough not to long for a guy who the Chinese government wants dead. Fine, it's impossible not to be madly in love with a guy who's always hanging up on you because someone's holding a gun to his head and the president is on the other line. But eventually, no matter how cool you are with his lifestyle now, your patience is going to start wearing thin. You're going to wake up one day and you're going to be that girlfriend -- you know, the one who whines, "But you always have to go! I don't care if it's the president! Tell him you're on the other line and you'll call him back, damn it!"

Next page: Public Enemy No. 1 and Sick Vic