I Like to Watch

Just as "Arrested Development" kicks the bucket, here comes a slew of thoroughly zany, painfully forced imitations.

By Heather Havrilesky

Read more: TV, Arts & Entertainment, Reviews, Heather Havrilesky, I Like to Watch

Feb. 12, 2006 | Sometimes it's important to stop and smell the roses. Similarly, sometimes it's important to stop and consider the fact that the world is filled with total idiots who only care about the bottom line.

Or, should I say, most people on this planet are disappointingly stupid, and most people on this planet are disturbingly focused on making a profit at the expense of creating things that are genuine, heartfelt, clever, moving or even mildly redeeming. Some people are smart, sure, and some people are willing to set wealth aside for the sake of quality, but smart people who care about quality are rare. You know a few of them, I'm sure -- there are billions of us here, after all. But the vast majority of us are money-grubbing, soul-sucking, pandering whore-dogs with no more dignity or soul than a particularly virulent strain of foot fungus.

And just as a fungus needs warmth, moisture and a shady place to grow, the profit-minded halfwits grow in the shady stank of American culture, a dank and fetid place where empty-headed sea donkeys and white-toothed, grinning yes men thrive and are paraded through town, while thoughtful artists and pensive smarties are left to sulk on the sidelines.

It's not snobby to say so! Why, even Jesus knew the world was filled with self-interested dummies! Remember when he cast all the money lenders and peddlers out of the temple? Think of how, in that temple scene in every movie starring Jesus, the money lenders and peddlers are always rat-faced and mean and a little slow on the uptake. Their chickens are flying all over the place, their gold coins are scattering across the ground, and their frantic faces are filled with the uncomprehending anger of big, dumb animals. Why do you think we see that scene over and over again? It's probably one of the only things you remember from the Bible that night you were trapped in a crappy motel room in New Mexico and had nothing else to read. Jesus wants you to know that the world is filled with greedy, confused dumb asses, and that navigating through this crazy, mixed-up world is not easy.

"I came to save them, and they nailed me to a board because some jerk's poll numbers were low. I can't wait to see what they'll do to you! Muhahahaha!"

After dark
It's funny how the editors of the Bible cut out the places where Jesus' evil laughter rang out across the land. "The meek shall inherit the earth -- if it's not ruined by a nuclear holocaust first! Muhahahaha!"

OK, I know I'm depressing you. I'm sorry, I can't help getting particularly dark when I'm in a great mood. "Giddy darkness" is what I call it, and it's the sort of energy that lies behind all of my favorite things: "Six Feet Under," "Arrested Development," "South Park," "The Sopranos" ... Can you frackin' believe that Tony and the gang will be back in March? It's way too exciting for words.

But before we move on to the deeply satisfying television that's in store for us in the next month, let's confront the dummies with dollar signs in their eyes. The new shows aren't terrible, on the whole, but there's something a little bit off about them, and I've had trouble putting my finger on it until now. You know how the giddy darkness of truly great shows like "South Park" and "Six Feet Under" is just infectious, even when it's sick or sad? You know how, when Nate said, "Narm!" right before he hit the floor and died, it was really mean of the writers, but it was also funny, as if to suggest that fate has the most wicked sense of humor of all? Remember how, even though it was sick and mean and terrible and sad and funny all at once, it didn't strike you as false, and it made you feel very inspired and alive, even though you were also depressed and shocked?

Well, that's what some of the new shows are trying to accomplish, and I suppose it would be a worthwhile goal, if it weren't for the fact that they're trying to accomplish it in order to create a hip, current show that's wildly popular and makes tons of money. We don't know this for sure, of course, because we're not inside the writers' heads. But that's how these shows feel. They're funny, they're not funny, they're poignant, they're flat, but most of all, they have Fake Giddy Darkness in spades, and that makes them feel forced.

Next page: "Let's make her a horny cheerleader"