I Like to Watch

Feb. 18, 2007 | God wants you to watch more TV. He told me that the other day, when we were having coffee together. "It's so weird how so many of My Children seem to think that I want them to write the next great American novel, or to spend more time with their kids, or to dedicate their lives to helping others," He said. "Honestly, I wish they'd just relax and throw their feet on the coffee table and catch up with 'Friday Night Lights.'"

"I feel you, Yahweh," I said, but I was only half listening. God really does ramble on sometimes.

"Why would I have made human beings slothful and gluttonous, if I didn't want them to sit on their fat asses and polish off a few beers and a bag of Salsa Verde Doritos while watching the premiere of 'The Amazing Race'? It doesn't make any sense." God stared out the window, tugging absentmindedly on His beard.

"Preaching to the converted again, Almighty Father." The Creator of Heaven and Earth can be more than a little self-involved on occasion. Sometimes I just want to say to Him, "It's not all about you, dude!"

"Meanwhile, My sons and daughters who do watch TV feel guilty every second that they're doing it, as if they should be out there feeding the hungry or lobbying against greenhouse gases or something, instead! Why can't the world just take a deep breath and eat some good cheese and turn on 'Battlestar'?"

"Well, God, if you want my honest opinion, it's because a lot of people live in the third world, where they don't have running water or electricity, let alone TV sets or good cheese..."

"Oh, stop it! You're depressing me. What's on tonight, anyway?" God said, picking up my copy of TV Guide. "Oh goody, the second-to-last episode of 'The OC'! Newport's about to get hit by a huge earthquake! I hope Seth and Summer get crushed by falling debris..."

Goodbye to yellow-brick McMansions
Yes, it's true. Even God was excited to see "The OC" (9 p.m. Thursdays on Fox) go down in a blaze of glory. In fact, He told me His secret hope is that the writers of the show would do the right thing and kill off every remaining character in one fell swoop.

I guess the last few years have made it pretty obvious that God loves a big, flashy disaster just as much as the writers of "The OC" do. And you have to admit, it wouldn't be so bad if Seth (Adam Brody) were crushed under a falling telephone pole and ended up wasting his last few breaths on some half-hearted wisecracking. Teasers for the show hyped the last two episodes of the series and seemed to indicate that one of these attractive humans might not make it through the big earthquake. But why would we care, when they're all about to disappear? Why not kill all of them, as the Almighty suggested?

But then, the fine writers of "The OC" have always been good at hyping terrifically empty plot twists, from Ryan's (Benjamin McKenzie) first halcyon days in Newport wooing models and squatting in model McMansions, to the present. Now I know most of you out there haven't enjoyed "The OC" since well before Marissa's (Mischa Barton) self-destructive pal Oliver held her hostage and then inexplicably pointed the gun at his own head, but I still think you should be informed of what's been happening in Newport since the almost-good old days.

Uncertain of how to wrap up the fourth and final season of a show that started to feel repetitive before the end of its first season, those tireless "OC" writers settled on a) pairing the two remaining singles, Ryan and Taylor (Autumn Reeser), and making them fall madly in love over the course of a few weeks; b) making Seth's mom Kirsten (Kelly Rowan) pregnant, then giving her sad, mopey eyes and whiny lines for the balance of her days in Newport; c) turning evil Julie Cooper (Melinda Clarke) into some kind of saintly Wonder Mom in the wake of her daughter Marissa's death; d) giving her remaining daughter Kaitlin (Willa Holland) limp little mischievous-teen storylines, wrapping up each bit of bitchy acting-out with heartfelt pleas for more mommy-daughter bonding; e) having Summer (Rachel Bilson) accuse perpetual boyfriend Seth (see also: the only character on the show with any talent or driving inspiration) of being rudderless and disengaged. Oh well, I guess they couldn't repeat that old fisticuffs-at-the-prom trick forever.

Next page: Ryan's "close call"