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Ann of a thousand lays
Editor's Note:Clinton-hating pinup girl, talk-radio poobah, George magazine columnist and possible congressional candidate Ann Coulter recently lamented that she was having trouble getting dates in the nation's capital -- a situation rendered even more poignant by a recent report in Glamour that "One in four D.C. dudes expects to do the nasty on date No. 1, the highest percentage of any city surveyed." Herewith, as part of Salon's attempt to promote national reconciliation and sexual healing, we offer some tips for Ms. Coulter.
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June 25, 1999 |
After poring over your troubles, I shot a few notes off to some friends, and we came up with some suggestions you might find helpful in improving your odds: 1) Quit injecting yourself with your own urine. I don't mean to be presumptuous, but the rumor is that George Balanchine used to put so much pressure on his corps d' ballet to remain razor-thin that some of them injected themselves with their own urine to keep the pounds off. You look like you're doing this also. Although I've never met you in person, I've seen you on TV (after all, like all the other D.C. people you characterize so well, I watch TV constantly rather than socialize) and, not to put too fine a point on it, you make Calista Flockhart look like a grand-master sumo. I've had potato skins that are thicker than your biceps. I've dated a couple of really thin women in my day, and I assure you, it's a major turn-off when their hipbones bruise you when you're intimate together. Which brings me to my second pearl of wisdom ... 2) Eat some cake. Let us posit, in the hypothetical, that we were introduced by mutual friends, and I invited you to meet me for dinner. Where would we go, and what would we order? I like steak, chicken, pasta, pork chops, veal ... meat. Potatoes. Beer. Mmmmm, beer. You look like you survive on six pieces of sushi (no avocado) and an M&M per day. If you were to go on a date with me, I would be twisted by guilt just from staring at your plate as you joylessly pushed some steamed spinach around with a fork. If we were to go out, you would be wise to ... 3) Have a beer. Contrary to your paranoid fantasies, D.C. has some excellent late-night bars, many of them lovely Irish places like the 4 Provinces, Biddy Mulligans, the Dubliner, and a decent assortment of brew pubs. You need to drink a lot less wine spritzers and down some suds. The company in my bars is better and this will also help with your eating disor ... I mean, weight problem. Next, you should seriously consider ... 4) Quit being white. It's a common knock that Republicans don't date much outside of their own prep schools, but you take this to a ridiculous extreme. You should rewrite your article and insert the word "white" in front of "Washington," as in "boys in white Washington don't know how ... You see, Ann, there's a secret and mysterious world out there which is actually inside the Beltway, in fact inside the District. It's called "The World Which is Not Northwest," and it includes Southeast, Southwest, and Northeast. These are the three quadrants of D.C. which are occupied by the "black" and "brown" people who now comprise the overwhelming majority of Washington. Ann, if Washington had the demographics that you ascribe to it, it would have two senators all its own, and a real live congressman who could vote. Because if it were white, Republicans would give a ... But I digress. The majority of the people in Washington aren't white, they don't work in Senate offices and they have excellent social lives. If you would like to view this spectacle in safety, I can arrange for a sealed vehicle to drive you to a mysterious and exotic place called Adams-Morgan, where people of color coexist peacefully with members of the "white" tribe ... you could get a neat little tattoo while you're up there. Many of the men you might find attractive would undoubtedly be more interested in you if you could figure out a way to enjoy the wide and spicy melange that is D.C., instead of paying attention to the colored folks only to harangue them when they mess up your nails ... And speaking of haranguing people ...
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