Wednesday, the 17,481-page schedule of Hillary Clinton's time as first lady was released to the media, which immediately pored over it for evidence that she took shady meetings, visited unexpected places or served questionable tea -- you know, the kind of stuff that might actually be relevant to her campaign.

Oh, wait, who am I kidding?

From ABC News: "Hillary in White House on 'Stained Blue Dress' Day":

"Hillary Clinton spent the night in the White House on the day her husband had oral sex with Monica Lewinsky, and may have actually been in the White House when it happened, according to records of her schedule released today by the National Archives."

From Wall Street Journal's Washington Wire: "Clinton's Calendar and Vince Foster":

"Among the many things Hillary Clinton's schedule sheds light on are her activities before, during and after major events in her husband's presidential tenure -- such as the death of Vince Foster ... The former first lady's schedules reveal that the last time she met formally with Foster was more than a month before his death, on June 8, 1993."

Got that, everybody? Hillary may have been in the White House on the day Monica Lewinsky blew Bill Clinton, and she was absolutely nowhere near Vince Foster when he died.

Way to go, intrepid journalists! Silly me, I didn't think it was possible to make headlines out of scandals and debunked conspiracy theories over a decade old! Guess that's what I get for choosing an MFA in creative writing over J-school. All I learned how to write is fiction. (Actually, these days, that might just come in handy for a journalist.)