Men in love

A new book asks hundreds of husbands what they think about the real issues in their marriage -- from porn and housework to adultery.

By Ira Boudway

Read more: Men, Relationships, Marriage, Life

Photo by Beverly Chethik

Neil Chethik

Jan. 30, 2006 | Women like to talk about feelings and relationships; men do not. Be it self-fulfilling prophecy or biological reality, it's an idea that American culture accepts completely. In the course of doing research for his book "VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework, and Commitment," Neil Chethik found the stereotype to be true, but only on the surface. During in-depth interviews with 70 husbands scattered across the country, Chethik discovered that men were indeed hesitant to talk about feelings, yet had plenty of ways of expressing them, if you knew where to look. Affection, for instance, can be found in the meticulous way that Roger Warden makes the bed every morning with an extra blanket spread across his wife's side; in Randall Hutchins' glances at his wife as she dozes in the passenger seat; and in pleasure that Jake Morrison takes in his wife's company as they tear the old wallpaper out of their home.

Hundreds of hours spent with husbands ages 22 to 95 led Chethik to conclude that men get a bad rap when it comes to committed relationships -- that what is often identified as emotional deficiency is simply a different approach, no better or worse than its female counterpart. And after three decades of cultural upheaval in gender relations, Chethik believes we have reached a point where the "male style of loving" can be accommodated without trespassing on the gains of feminism. If men can learn to cuddle, cry and change diapers, women can learn to see the romance in an afternoon spent spackling or watching sports.

Based on a randomized telephone survey of 288 American husbands, plus the 70 face-to-face interviews, "VoiceMale" outlines how men "do marriage" -- not as problem to be fixed but as a practice to be understood. Chethik begins with chapters on the basic phases of courtship and marriage -- from the first spark to the empty nest -- then grapples, one at a time, with the major tensions of a long-term relationship. With the security of anonymity, Chethik's subjects talk frankly about all of it -- from sex and adultery, to money and chores, to in-laws and children. Chethik, for his part, acts as both emcee and editor, allowing the men to speak for themselves and organizing their various accounts into a coherent whole. Through their voices he has created a snapshot of marriage as men know it but rarely discuss it in the outside world.

Chethik is a writer in residence at the Carnegie Center for Literacy and Learning in Lexington, Ky., where he lives with his wife and son. He spoke with Salon by phone about the reasons men still want to get married, the influence of feminism on the institution, and the link between housework and good sex.

Tell me a little about your methods. How reliable do you think these interviews and phone surveys are, especially in terms of husbands reporting honestly? They talk about some pretty intimate and sometimes shameful things such as adultery and domestic abuse.

The phone survey was what they call a random digit. The University of Kentucky Survey Research Center called random homes across the country and asked if there was a man there over 18. Almost 50 percent of the 600 or so eligible men agreed to answer the questionnaire. At the end of the survey they would ask the subject if he was willing to allow his name and phone number to be given to me, the writer. Then I contacted those people individually, not all of them, but as close to a representative sampling as possible. I was able to look at their answers from the survey, so when someone said, "I have struck my wife before," I would ask about that when I did the follow-up on the phone or in person. Usually they would talk pretty openly. I am always wondering exactly what's going on behind the answers, but I felt like they were mostly true.

There was a sharp divide in your research and in your interviews between husbands who thought that you always admit to everything, including affairs, and those who thought that it wasn't always necessary. Did you come down on one side or the other?

I think it is very difficult for anyone to hide that from a spouse. And for the most part I think it's got to be brought into the open or it will become a barrier. I did talk with men who had never told their wives. My overall sense is that they thought their wives knew and that there was a tacit agreement that it was OK to not talk about it because it was over and the issues that had to do with the relationship had been worked out, so why hear the nitty-gritty of what he did when you weren't looking?

You also report that four in 10 husbands say that they use porn, and most of them say that they masturbate. Were they open about that with their wives? Were their wives OK with it?

The responses were all over the map. Sometimes the woman was equally interested in using pornography as part of their sex life. Other times women were appalled that their husbands did and the husband had to reconsider. For most husbands it was kind of a respite or a refuge, somewhere to be alone and have his own sex life. That doesn't mean he's not having a good sex life with his wife. Maybe he likes to have sex twice as often, so rather than appeal to her and be rejected or appeal to her and have her do it when she doesn't want to, why not do something nice and easy?

Next page: One husband says, "My wife told me that she's never more turned on to me than when I'm doing housework"