Dead party walking

The GOP candidates are a feeble group of Bush imitators tied to his disastrous war. And unless the surge turns into a miracle, even front-runner McCain won't beat a Democrat.

By Gary Kamiya

Read more: Republican Party, George W. Bush, John McCain, Mike Huckabee, Gary Kamiya, Opinion, Karl Rove, Iraq War, 2008 election, Mitt Romney

Reuters images

Republican presidential candidates Mike Huckabee, John McCain and Mitt Romney

Jan. 22, 2008 | The GOP race is great fun to watch -- if you're a Democrat. The uninspiring candidates wander hat in hand from state to state, each being ritually humiliated in turn. If this process continues right up to the convention, the whole snooze-inducing crew may quit in disgust and the GOP will have to hold a mass séance to conjure up the spirit of Ronald Reagan.

Let's go down the list. This week's frontrunner, John McCain, is trying to create an aura of inevitability after his victory in South Carolina, but he is still viewed with deep suspicion by his party's true believers. The wailing and gnashing of teeth over McCain on conservative Web sites makes the Clinton-Obama dustup look like a love-in. Their posters can't forgive him for his stances on immigration, campaign finance and the environment, but what really drives them crazy is that he says things that they don't agree with. Sometimes he even commits the ultimate sin -- he sounds like a liberal!Who knew that the tough-guy supporters of the war on terror were so sensitive?

Then there's Mitt Romney. Romney is pushed by the party establishment, was endorsed by the National Review, looks like a million bucks, and is worth a lot more than a million bucks. And if they amend the Constitution so that a paper doll dressed up in a Reagan suit can run for office, he could be a serious threat.

Yea, and verily we come now to Mike Huckabee, who combines pre-Darwinian religiosity, a down-home demeanor, and a remarkable ignorance of the world. And whosoever believeth that the Huckster shall become president shall have eternal life in a cheap plot of prime swamp land in Florida.

Then there's Ron Paul, whose antiwar libertarian policies attract the most passionate followers of any GOP candidate. Unfortunately, the fact that those followers constitute only a tiny fraction of the party, and that mainstream Republicans would rather have consensual man-on-dog sex than vote for Paul, severely impair his chances.

Finally, there's Rudy Giuliani, of whom Joe Biden said, "There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb and 9/11. " Giuliani could have been a contender, but he ran out of verbs and nouns early in the race and, despite federal matching words, could never form a coherent sentence thereafter.

(There is also alleged to be a GOP candidate named "Fred Thompson," but he has never been seen and is generally regarded as an Internet myth.)

As P.G. Wodehouse would say, it's a pretty C3 collection. But what really makes this group pathetic is that instead of trying to make up for their inadequacies and appeal to voters by taking new positions, these candidates are running on the same platform as George W. Bush -- the lamest of presidential ducks, whose policies have failed and whose approval ratings are abysmal.

With the exception of Paul, all of the GOP candidates agree with Bush on about just about everything. All of them vow to stay in Iraq until "victory" is won and to continue the "war on terror" indefinitely. All of them agree with him on taxation and healthcare. And they sing from the same pious songsheet on moral values. They are essentially running as new, improved clones of Bush.

This is not a winning strategy.

The GOP's campaign mess reveals just how big a disaster Bush's presidency has been for the party. At a time when the electorate is urgently demanding a new direction, Republican candidates, chained to a rigid party line and a ruinous war, can only flap their arms and pretend they're flying.

Next page: Don't start gloating about the demise of the GOP just yet...