According to the American Spectator, that fantastic flagship of American journalism, Vice President Dick Cheney will not speak at next month's Republican National Convention in St. Paul.

Given that many Republicans running for the U.S. Senate don't want to show up at a convention where President Bush will (have to) appear, this news must come as great relief for the Republicans who actually are daring to attend. After all, malaria is practically more popular than the vice president, who has Dan Quayle-like approval ratings.

I presume Cheney will be holed up in a bunker somewhere playing war games or rejiggering his Armageddon-inspired government continuity protocols so that, in the event of the total decapitation of the government at any point after Jan. 20, 2009, the immediate past vice president is automatically elevated to the position of Lord Supreme Commander of the United States.