I have this temporary cellphone because I dropped my phone right before I went on vacation and it exploded all over the laundromat floor. Your phone number is under a dryer somewhere. A text message from Angelina Jolie ("Lv me alone!") is wedged in a coin slot.

I paid good money for a phone that will not shoot early enough to get a 2-for-1 at the end of a quarter

So I ran out and bought a Virgin Mobile pay-as-you-go phone before I got on the plane. It's worked fine except for one thing: It shuts itself off when the battery's getting low. It says, "Warning: Low battery. Powering off phone." And it shuts off.

The stupid phone is shutting itself off to keep the battery from dying. Because you know what happens when the battery dies, right? The phone shuts off! We wouldn't want that to happen.

Just my luck. I bought a cellphone designed by a basketball coach.