Ask the pilot

The pilot weighs in on Knee Defenders, TV-B-Gone, airport security -- anything but theoretical conveyor belts!

By Patrick Smith

Read more: Technology & Business, Business, P. Smith, Ask the Pilot

Jan. 12, 2007 | Some columns come easier than others. Occasionally it feels like I'm chiseling from stone. Certainly last week's airplane-on-a-treadmill debate belongs in this category. Talk about a headache: "Imagine a plane is sitting on a massive conveyor belt, as wide and as long as a runway. The conveyer belt is designed to exactly match the speed of the wheels, moving in the opposite direction. Can the plane take off?"

Answer: Who cares? Or, well, yes, it can. Or I think so. Or somebody thinks so. Already I've forgotten (and consensus has it that Paul Camp may have led us astray with his focus on friction coefficients), but if you missed it and can't live without the answer, the archives await you.

Not a terribly engaging topic, I admit (see the Go-Arounds section at the end of this article). But neither was it, as some have suggested, my being lazy. "I assume that Mr. Smith had this in his 'filler' folder and was enjoying the holiday instead of writing a column," remarked one reader. Not exactly. I'd be ashamed to tell you how many hours that damned story cost me, and how many drafts it took to get right. The point wasn't to take the week off, it was to serve up something different for a change.

But if it makes you feel better, the first of my New Year's resolutions is that from now on I'm staying clear of aerodynamic controversies and theoretical conveyor belts. Why waste valuable gray matter on fantastical brainteasers when the world of air travel is already plenty rich with compelling mysteries and conundrums -- the kind that don't need calculators or input from physics professors. Haven't you ever wondered how many frequent-flier miles can fit on the head of a pin? Or consider the many ethical dilemmas faced by passengers:

Is it ethical, for example, to answer "yes" when the stewardess asks if you've reviewed the emergency exit row seating conditions when you haven't? (Not because you didn't want to, necessarily, but because the FAA has made the task impossible, turning a few simple instructions into 5,000 words of legalese.) Is it ethical to use the lavatory when the seat belt sign is illuminated? Is it ethical to install a Knee Defender anti-recline mechanism on the seat in front of you?

I have mixed feelings on such matters, particularly use of the Knee Defender -- a mischievous little gadget that allows you to be a tad more comfortable at the expense of making your fellow traveler a tad less comfortable. My sympathies if you're one of the many fliers who've had their laptop computer crushed by an unthinking passenger's rapid recline; nevertheless I find it hard to endorse such a thing.

Instead, allow me to recommend an altogether different device -- one equally mischievous but that, at least in my mind, avoids any moral hand-wringing. It's called TV-B-Gone, and you can order one here. As countless travelers surely would agree, few things in life are more intrusive and irritating than those infernal gate-side monitors blaring the CNN Airport Network. Now, with the covert click of a small black button, TV-B-Gone emits an infrared pulse that will silence these satanic chatterboxes within seconds.

Most of them, anyway. According to inventor Mitch Altman, CNN has begun putting wooden cases around its screens (it owns the actual sets, in addition to the programming they carry) that block the remote-control signal. TV-B-Gone won't work on the enclosed sets from a distance, Altman tells me, but will work if you're brazen enough for a close-range operation. "You need to walk right up," he says, "and point the unit directly at the bottom of the TV, where the sensor is located." It's a dirty job, but somebody needs to do it. "I've done this several times," says Altman, "and never had anyone complain. In fact, I've had people thank me."

As well they should. It seems that CNN has no qualms about force-feeding its noise pollution to millions of captive travelers, most of whom would prefer peace and quiet instead of an endless video loop of sanitized headlines. Reportedly, before settling on the wooden enclosure scheme, the network considered retrofitting thousands of TVs with special sensors able to differentiate the TV-B-Gone's signal from a "real" one.

Now, if only solving the problem of airport security could be so easy as pressing a button.

Sorry, did I say airport security? Here it's still January, and already I'm breaking my second New Year's resolution: no more rants about the Transportation Security Administration until springtime at the earliest. Alas, I'm forced to reconsider, though I believe my excuses are good ones.

First, it was recently announced that starting in February, the TSA will begin selling commercial advertisements at concourse checkpoints. As part of a one-year pilot program to help defer operating expenses, those bins and tables at the X-ray machine will be sprouting corporate logos. Airports will recruit companies willing to provide screening stations with so-called divestiture bins and composure tables in exchange for ad space.

Am I the only one who finds this vulgar and insulting? Here we are, tarting up what is supposed to be a facet of national security with the colors of Dunkin' Donuts and Chick-fil-A. What's next, TSA guards themselves (or our troops in Iraq) wearing soccer-style uniforms emblazoned with the names of corporate sponsors?

But while it's easy to be cynical, it was just a matter of time before the proverbial market got its tentacles into the airport security business. First it was the registered traveler program, the scheme that allows preapproved individuals to pay an annual fee in exchange for preferential screening, and now this. The security-industrial complex humming right along: advertisers getting publicity, contractors getting millions of dollars, TSA getting free equipment, and the traveling public getting ...

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