I am writing this at 4 a.m. The last few years my husband seems so uninterested in me, to the point of staring at other women right in front of me and when we are with another couple, flirting and boasting to the other women, and completely ignoring me.

If I try to let him know how demeaning this is to me, I am the jealous wife who needs to "grow up."

We have a horse farm and I don't ride horses. However, I support his hobby and have financially sacrificed for this to be part of his life. He loves to invite women to ride horses on our property or offers to take women riding, and when friends come to visit he pressures people to ride or we end up watching him ride.

Just writing this sounds bizarre and I wonder how this is really me? We have grown up together and somehow things have tilted so that it's all about him. He lost his business and I supported him. He has been a great dad and is good to my family.

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I love your column. I love your writing. Ive been following you for several years. Reading your advice feels like talking to a friend over coffee and that's what I need now.

I've been with my boyfriend for three and a half years, living together for one and engaged for six months. Everything was great, we get along, he has a good sense of humor, we helped each other through some difficult personal issues, my family loves him. We want the same things and are in love.

Except three months ago I borrowed his computer to do a picture album of our story together, and you may know how this goes ... I found pictures of other women in the first year we were together. He said it was nothing. I didn't believe him, I felt I needed to know the truth and I looked at his emails. He then admitted he cheated in the first year of our relationship. I was numb, then angry, but I stayed with him. He said he used to have several relationships at the same time, it was his way of not getting close to women. He was dating two other women on and off and I was the last one to get in the picture, but he said he didn't feel like being with others, fell in love with me and ended the other relationships in the first seven months we were together. I know this is true because I saw the emails. We had a lot of problems in the first year, so I can understand him not taking it seriously. It was a long time ago, we built a great relationship since then and I know he didn't cheat again. It still hurts. I'm a big girl and I can deal with that, but there's something else I'm not sure I can take. I saw an email from a woman he dated a year before we met. She told him about the baby she had, a girl, attached a picture and said she wanted to leave the door open in case he ever wanted to meet her or have a relationship with her. He confessed she is most likely his daughter, said they slept together a few times, she got pregnant, he was scared, told her he didn't want any part in it, and cut off all contact.

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I would like to make an apology.

In this recent column my prose was offensive. It was pointed out to me but, as often happens, it took a few days to sink in. I can see now that I was wrong to take the tone I did and to say the things I said the way I said them. I apologize for my tone of overbearing, hectoring intolerance and arrogance, and for the careless ignorance that underlay it. I berated the letter writer for doing something that was quite well-meaning -- carefully avoiding gendered pronouns in the text.

Now, just to clarify: I thought I was talking about language in a humorous way. I really did. But I was wrong. The "God gave us ..." part: That also was meant in an ironic vein. I can see now, though, that it didn't come off that way. That's the only clarification I wish to make.

I do have some sincere and serious thoughts about the matter in general. I would like to argue for greater explicitness in such matters. I would ask that letter writers with progressive thoughts on gender in language express those thoughts explicitly. I would ask that letter writers not just avoid using gendered pronouns but openly draw our attention to the issue.

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I’m a novelist who has put great faith in introspection and self-knowledge. Recently, however, I am blinded, disoriented and unable to interpret my feelings. It feels almost like an illness.

I’ve had a boyfriend for the last two years with whom I have shared a great love. He is also a writer. Our habit has been to live in rotating European cities. We spend a few months here, a few months there. I have a home in one of these cities to which I often return. I get exhausted if I stay too long away. He on the other hand stays on without me in the other, distant cities until we are reunited, often somewhere else again. I would say that in contrast to me, he does not have a home — he does not feel the dominant pull of a single place. He is a strange, idiosyncratic man, with a constantly surprising, brilliantly perceptive, but also counterintuitive interpretation of life. He has very few friends, and both little ability and little need to form ties with others. Maybe for that reason, when he does form a bond, the intensity of his affection and the force of his powers of recognition are overwhelming. I am speaking in terms of my own sense of homecoming in finding him.

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I will be married in a few months. And until now I have this horrific, horrific doubt in my head. My fiancé is a wonderful man, Cary. He's kind to me, he has a steady job, and he cooks dinner for me even when he is tired. Also, I got attracted to his life story. He was married before, but his wife died during childbirth, along with the child. Yet when he speaks of it, I see no trace of bitterness or anger. Not even sadness. I got attracted to the fact that here is a person, who, through the bleakest period of his life, managed to keep his sanity, his faith and his humor intact. And I can't imagine a better partner to go through life with. He's also very funny and charming, and I feel that he truly loves me.

Here's the thing: I grew up with this idea of my future husband and he's just. not. it. I grew up thinking I'd get married to a man in uniform, maybe a doctor, or lawyer, what have you. He would be witty and brilliant and also cook well. I would be the supportive wife, the wind beneath his wings.

Alas, that doesn't seem to be the case now.

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The first time I had an inkling  that the treatment I received from my family wasn't totally a result of me being a bad person was when I returned home for a visit with my toddler during my mid-30s. Before then, I had just accepted that I deserved to be treated poorly because there was something wrong with me, and because I couldn't figure out exactly what it was and fix it.

It had been about eight hours since leaving my home on the opposite coast,  when I told my parents in the front seat of their car that my child was hungry. I did have snacks with us, but by this time some “real” food was needed. My dad was driving; my mom was in the passenger seat. My mom said that there wasn't anything we could do about it because there wasn't anywhere to get something to eat around there. We were driving right by fast food restaurants, pizza and sandwich shops at the same time she said it.

I waited until we arrived at the house I grew up in. I asked my dad for the keys to the car so that I could go get something to eat for my child. He angrily slammed the keys down on the kitchen counter. I don't remember what he said exactly, but he was very angry. I went to a fast food place and got food, but my child was already too exhausted and weak from the long trip to eat it. I put him to bed, and my mom ate the food.

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I am writing to you because I seek your thoughts on how much American society evolved while other societies held on to tradition. When I was a teenager, my older sisters introduced me to older men (26 to 40). I was American-raised, but my parents and older sisters are immigrants and still cling to old-fashioned values.

I am now in my early 20s, and single because I wanted an education instead of a marriage. Now that I have been around college-educated peers, I have been told that such relationships were inappropriate and illegal. I admit that when I was dating these older men, I did feel taken advantage of because I was so young.

Now my older sister is trying to set up my teenage sisters with older men (25–40). When I confronted them, they felt that it was better for a young girl to date and marry an older, financially secure man than to date a boy their age.

Why do American parents have a problem with older men courting and/or trying to marry their teenage daughters?

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Well, I've been writing about the NSA spying revelations for three days now, and after today I'm done. I'm ready to hear more about divorces and betrayals and drug abuse and addiction and polyamory and dog cruelty and alcoholism -- things I know something about!

But I'm not done yet. So today, my friend, I am going to address you directly, in some anger and with some pointedness, because I think that may help you.

You write, "Growing up, perhaps naively, I have carried this ideal of America, freedom, liberty and the right to privacy as absolutes. ... The recent revelations about widespread government warrantless spying including recording phone conversations, email, and Internet traffic — programs that have been blessed by secret courts created by secret laws — have shaken my belief in what it means to live in a free society, about the basic ideals of America."

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Tuesday a reader wrote with concerns about how NSA spying revelations have affected his feelings about America. I said that I wanted to take two or three days to answer. It's a big subject, how we feel about the country we live in, and how events change those feelings.

When I was 14 it was 1967 and the Vietnam War was in the newspapers and on TV every day. American males were required to register for the draft when they reached 18; many were being drafted to fight in Vietnam. My brother turned 18 and was drafted. He refused induction and fought it in the courts. It then transpired that the FBI was watching our house and following my brother. There was evidence that our phone was being tapped. It appeared that the power of the state had been turned against us.

The power of the state was turned against many of us in those days. So we grew up with a reasonable respect for the power of the state and a reasonable and mature sense of the state as a dangerous entity that, if it turned against one, could be deadly.

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I write to you about the idea of identity, particularly my identity as an American in the wake of the NSA warrantless wiretapping and PRISM program. Growing up, perhaps naively, I have carried this ideal of America, freedom, liberty and the right to privacy as absolutes. The First Amendment of free speech and the Fourth Amendment against unreasonable searches provided a base that shaped my understanding of my place and role in society. As a citizen I could anonymously say within reason almost any idea or thought without repercussions from the government. As a citizen I expected my communications and personal life free of government intrusion and inspection. If a government action or program started to run afoul of these rights the judiciary would step in and make the necessary corrections.

The recent revelations about widespread government warrantless spying including recording phone conversations, email, and Internet traffic -- programs that have been blessed by secret courts created by secret laws -- have shaken my belief in what it means to live in a free society, about the basic ideals of America.

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I will get right to the point: I am having a very hard time coping with something that happened between my spouse and another person three years ago. That something was an affair. It was not only physical, but also emotional (the two of them professed their love for one another). Our then 15-plus-year marriage had grown cool and distant, responsibilities of everyday life getting in the way, and also resentment over various and assorted disappointments with one another. When I found out about the affair and my spouse confessed what had been going on for some months, we both felt a flood of emotion (emotion that had been lacking in our marriage for some time, as I mentioned) and discussed at length how and why it happened. I acknowledged my part in it as did my spouse. We felt strongly that saving the marriage and our family (we have children) was what we both wanted to do, and that coming so close to ruin made us realize both were indeed worth saving. The sticking point became the other person. My spouse felt sad for this person, this person who was also said to be wronged. I, perhaps not surprisingly, did not feel sad for this unmarried other person.

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Some stuff makes you feel dirty. Like this Steph Strayer/ Man Bragging about Cheating on his Wife on Commuter Train/ Facebook Photo Posting Gone Viral/ Public Shaming/ Ethical Slugfest/ Gender Resentment Cesspool/ Mom Strikes Back at Dirtbag Pig Man thing.

After a week of that I feel like an old rabbi in a raincoat shuffling out of a peep show. It had everything.

So what was it about this episode that caught our emotions?

• Fear of being in a similar situation. Many of us don’t trust our spouses. It’s a primal fear that the person we sleep with will be somebody else out there. Think of those commuter train scenes in “Mad Men.”

• Solidarity with the woman for striking out. Women are powerless and mistreated in a thousand different ways every day and it feels good to see one strike out.

• Satisfaction at a man getting his just deserts. Many of us have been bullied and it feels good to see some guy get it in the neck.

The narrative is deliciously compelling. Why? Because it involves:

• The powerless taking power

• An annoying person getting his comeuppance

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Hello. I am 18 and I hate my life. I'm dead living in flesh. I have a lot of sex with people but I never get what I actually want or who I fall for. I only smoke weed, watch some videos and sleep. I am very very very angry with everyone, for no reason. Well, actually, some reasons maybe. I am gay. I don't know what else. I am very indecisive and no motivation what so ever.

18 and Angry

Dear 18 and Angry,

You are going to be loved. You will get what you want in life. You don't have to do anything about that right this minute. For now, just accept that it is true. Your feelings of anger are going to pass. You will be loved for who you are.

Now here is what I want you to do.

Sit quietly. If you are on the street find a place to sit. If you are with a group of friends, go to another room and do this. Sit quietly. Look around you. See what is around you. If you are inside, see what is in the room. Take a minute to do this. Notice all the things in the room. Notice what color they are, what they are made of. If you are outside, notice the things around you, the plants, the sky.

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I am seeking your advice because I find your letters deeply empathetic and kind, and because they have helped me in many ways over the years. My question is this: Do I tell an ex-love that I am getting married? How do I do it?

Here is some background: I call this man an ex-love because we were never in an exclusive relationship, though we were involved for many years. We had a very intense connection, having very similar emotional temperaments. Early on, I expressed my desire to be in a relationship with him. He made it clear that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. Being both smart and emotionally healthy, I stayed involved with him for years. However, feeling deeply hurt by his earlier rejection of me (among other things), there were topics I literally never discussed with him in the years we were involved. These topics included how we felt about each other and whether we were seeing other people.

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Recently I left a librarian job that I loved in many ways and did very well in. I left for two reasons: to pursue a dream of finishing my degree and because my co-worker was so difficult to work with.

My co-worker had worked at the position for many years as an assistant librarian but when her boss left, I was hired instead to be her boss. The boss and the library board had decided that my assistant was not ready for the librarian job due to her immaturity and lack of motivation/innovation. Her ex-boss was a difficult woman who yelled at everyone (including my assistant) but was never disciplined due to having no personnel department.

My assistant is 40 years old. I should mention that her mother is a classic borderline personality and is/was verbally abusive to her. She is still very involved in her family and seems to live her life through her brothers' and sisters' families, as she is single and unattached -- which I respect as her right but she would often leave work to take care of one problem or another for her siblings or parents.

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I've recently come to grips with the fact that my boyfriend has some mental issues that I just can't cope with anymore. I've tried to justify them to myself, because I really wanted this relationship to work, but this is just getting ridiculous. Here's his delusion: He sincerely believes everyone is "persecuting" him, like there's something odd or different about him that people notice right away and pick up on. And once they pick up on it, he truly believes that they go out of their way to irritate him. So, for example, we went out last weekend to a restaurant and the waitress gave us a hurried, slightly unfriendly greeting. OK, whatever. Not a big deal.

But then he then goes on to mutter some curse words under his breath, and attributed her rudeness to her "persecuting him" because he's so "different from the rest of society." I tried to explain to him, since I had worked in a restaurant before, that it was of course much more likely that she was stressed and overworked. He wouldn't listen, of course. In fact, he got mad at me for arguing with him.

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An old boyfriend from high school has ended up in jail for embezzling funds through his law practice. I was browsing through Facebook and found a news link that explained his circumstances.

We are in our mid 60s. I am happily married and not looking for a hookup. Is it a good idea to write to him? He is in a medium security prison for four years. The conditions are likely not good. Apparently, you have to buy your own toiletries, food treats, etc.

When I initially read of his being convicted and losing his practice, I was appalled and since I had good memories of him, I still believe he is a good person at heart who made some really bad decisions. Would it be helpful to him to hear from someone who remembers him the way he was? Or should I just ignore the fact that I know what is happening to him?

I have looked other former friends up online, mostly out of curiosity. A few I contact, most I don't bother. What do you think?

Curious

Dear Curious,

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I am so happy these days. After a long stretch of single years after a painful and heartbreaking divorce, I've finally met a wonderful man and we are just starting to date and establish a relationship. I've introduced him to my family and friends and everyone really likes him. The problem, though, is that my one sister REALLY likes him. I think she developed a crush on him the moment she met him and it's making me uncomfortable. After only having had a few dates with him, she told my mother and sister all about him and called him my boyfriend, which at the time he wasn't. She's always asking when we can double date with her and her husband; she's been married 25 years. Up until now she has never said anything uncomplimentary or critical about her husband, but since my new boyfriend she has gone on about how lucky I am that he's so affectionate in a way her husband isn't, how he's involved in things she wishes her husband was, and how she's living vicariously through me. The other day she told me that she will have to attend an annual gala I organize alone since her husband will be traveling for work and after I told her that many of my friends whom she knows will be there, she asked only about whether my boyfriend would be there.

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I feel like I am in a big, dark hole. I am what people refer to as a homemaker because my job is to make a home for my daughters and husband. I don't even know what that means anymore. I have been doing it for so long that I just do it.

Everything feels monochromatic. I put this here, clean that, wash this. Most things remain half done.

I am becoming alarmed that sometimes I feel nothing. I have been getting upset at my kids more than usual, and it makes me feel badly.

I have everything I ever wanted: A husband who loves me, a good sex life, healthy children, my own home, a college degree. But I am so lonely.

I feel terrible because I am so lucky and I don't appreciate it. I look at the world and I do not understand the intolerance of others. I can not comprehend a world where schoolkids get shot in the face.

I look to the future and feel a bit hopeless.

The best I feel is when my husband is home and we are together as a family. But even that bright spot has dulled.

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I write because you say you are interested in those of us who are living an alternative life and you are curious about some of the challenges therein. Here is a piece of my story, and some of the questions I am asking myself.

I am struggling.  I live off the grid, on an organic farm, eight miles up a dirt road and 30 minutes from "town." I have lived here for four years and have yet to have a relationship, or even a proper date, with anyone who actually lives in my ZIP code. I have worked very hard to set up a lifestyle and an existence that allows me freedom and flexibility. It is beautiful here.  I have meaningful work, family close by, wonderful friends and a playful community. Yet, I want someone to fool around with on Saturday night and wake up to on Sunday morning without wondering how did that happen or will it happen again?  Do I give up all that I have built to move back to the city and date? Or, do I have confidence and trust that some day, the right bearded man is going to drive down my road in a pickup truck to find me picking blackberries in a cute pair of cut-offs and cowboy boots?

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