"Go to Ikea," said my friend.

"Oh, Ikea," said his wife, clapping her hands. "You must. Must."

Evidently their guest-room bed, in which I'd once slept, was purchased there.

"So cheap," my friend's wife said.

"We paid almost nothing for it," my friend confirmed.

Further investigation revealed this bed, the Javnaker, was the cheapest mattress set Ikea sells. According to the company it was "suitable as a guest bed." I was unsure what to make of a product description that seemed to imply: We wouldn't make our dog sleep on this, but it's fine for wastoid freeloaders or your great aunt Peg.

Nonetheless, purchasing anything for almost nothing was appealing. Truthfully, as an unemployed former school bus driver, almost nothing was still a little rich for my blood.

But my air mattress leaked. Every night I would blow strenuously into a clear plastic nubbin to inflate the damn thing. Did my labored breaths travel through the walls? If so the neighbors may have started to picture me inflating a heroically durable love doll for her nightly romp.

Continue Reading...