Salon.com > Gersh Kuntzman

Kramer for mayor!

Mon, 04 Jun 2001 19:00:00 +0000

Given the circumstances, it was the last place on the planet that a New York mayoral candidate would be expected to turn up.

The Global March for Cannabis Liberation (aka the Million Marijuana March) had just about wound down when, lo and behold, a bona fide mayoral candidate mounted the stage and spun tales of his own vast experience as a pot smoker.

"You know, I used to smoke a lot of pot until I realized it was ruining my genes," the candidate said, then paused. "Yeah, the seeds were burning holes in all my pockets."

Political suicide? No, it's just Kenny Kramer, the real-life inspiration for the erratic next-door neighbor on "Seinfeld." While the TV Kramer never ran for mayor, this one says he's serious about joining the crowd hoping to succeed Rudy Giuliani as mayor of America's largest city.

"I've listened to all the other candidates," Kramer said the other day from his fabled apartment, "and it's all the same shit. Maybe it's a different flavor, different color, different-smelling shit, but it's still crap: humorless, idealess and clueless. They're politicians. It just comes out of their mouths. Their brains aren't involved at all."

Out from under our noses

Fri, 05 Jan 2001 20:00:00 +0000

Is Elsa Bauml really crying over a lost nose hair clipper?

It looks that way. Sitting in her Upper West Side office, Bauml, who has been selling nose hair clippers for half a century, can't stop the tears as she discusses the imminent demise of America's original and best nose hair clipper, the Klipette.

This week, the Hollis Co., maker of the Klipette -- and little else -- for those 50 years, will close. The Klipette will be no more.

"This is a very emotional time for me," says the 85-year-old Bauml, who has single-handedly run the company since her husband's death in the early 1970s.

"Klipette was my husband's baby. All my customers have been calling and writing, saying that a part of them is dying with Klipette. It's all very sad. I told my son that I don't want to be here the day he cleans out the office."

All this for a nose hair clipper?

No, not just any nose hair clipper but the Klipette, arguably the most important innovation in men's grooming since the comb. You may not know the product by name, but you've seen one, probably in an uncle's medicine cabinet or on your father's nightstand.

A lost Claus

Fri, 22 Dec 2000 20:00:00 +0000

No, Virginia, there is not a Santa Claus.

But don't take it from a Scrooge like me. Take it from the U.S. government, which recently admitted -- openly and for the record -- that the big man in the red suit is just a figment of our imagination, a mere myth created to sell merchandise in the weeks between Thanksgiving and Dec. 25.

Here's the back story:

Earlier this year, a British company called Father Christmas applied to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to secure trademark rights to the name "Santa Claus" for its online department store, Santa-Claus.com.

There's nothing particularly unusual about such requests. In the past, the patent office has approved holiday-themed trademarks such as "Santa's Elf" clothing, "St. Nick's" beer, "Santa Claws" apparel and "Merry Christmas" tree ornaments. Someone even trademarked "a red-tipped nose on any fanciful deer-like animal." Damn lawyers.

But by law, whenever a company attempts to trademark a name of a person, the government must ask for written proof that the person consents to having his name trademarked. In other words, if I want to set up a company called "Michael Jordan Sweat Socks," I need to demonstrate that Michael Jordan consents to letting me use his name to sell socks (even though we all know that he does).