Hart Seely
I bleed, it leads: My final news stories
A veteran reporter crafts opening paragraphs for news stories on his paper's final day.
Salon
Third-grader Johnny Martin couldn’t understand all the commotion Thursday, as a crowd of grown-ups gathered to open the brand-new wing at Branson Elementary School.
“I was hoping for no school,” the 9-year-old said, climbing off the bus. “I wish we could just stay home.”
Someday — probably after he’s given them the best years of his life — the corporations will grant Johnny his wish.
* * * * *
Losing weight has never been easier, said Georgia Kravich, author of the best-seller “Counting Calories to a Slimmer You.” The former model, who appeared at Oakdale Mall Thursday, stressed the need to stay focused and not cave in to bedtime cravings.
Here’s a tip she missed:
Lose your job! Without money to put food on the table, you’ll shed pounds fast.
* * * * *
The 90-degree heat didn’t bother Ed Farley Thursday, as the white-haired groundskeeper clipped the grass at St. Mary’s Cemetery for the last time.
Farley, 84, is retiring from the parish staff after 63 years.
“We’ve been blessed to have Edward,” Father Eugene Burke said. “Everyone knows that we won’t get another like him.”
Indeed, rather than a fourth-grade education, Farley’s replacement might have a master’s degree in journalism.
* * * * *
Lucy Carter has had it with the naysayers.
“I’m sick and tired of the media whining about how bad things are,” the Greater Watertown Realtor of the Year told members of the Greater Watertown Chamber of Commerce Thursday. “The sun will come up tomorrow. Sadly, though, you won’t read about it in the newspaper!”
She’s right on both fronts.
* * * * *
“Hold onto your dreams,” actress Martha Koop told the Utica Middle School Class of 2009 Thursday in ceremonies at Scanlon Park. “If you believe in yourself, nothing can stand in your way! Stay true to your goals, and you can do anything! The future is yours! “
That she actually said this with a straight face testifies to Koop’s remarkable talent as an actress.
* * * * *
For companies to survive the slowdown, they must get lean and mean, an area business leader said Thursday.
“Every bottom line must be studied, and every employee must be evaluated,” said Dr. Kenton L. Pinkney, executive director of the Susquehanna Valley Regional Development Council. “In these times, we all must simply do more with less.”
Pinkney declined further comment, after being knocked unconscious by a fist to the chin.
* * * * *
For Pulaski baseball coach Jeremy Jones, today’s game against West Fulton boils down to one basic notion.
“This is when baseball is fun,” said Jones, whose Wildcats beat Bayberry Thursday to advance to the Section 4 quarterfinals. “Win, we advance. Lose, and there is no tomorrow.”
Actually, either way, there is no tomorrow.
* * * * *
Rep. Ernie Crenshaw has harsh words for the big spenders of Washington. “We need to reduce the deficit and put people back to work,” said the 68-year-old ridiculously stupid gasbag Thursday.
“Blahblahblah” (Note to Ed: Will send more live quotes as soon as the old perv sobers up. On second thought, write the story yourself!)
Farewell, Glenn Beck, poet!
Oh, woeful day. The scintillating verse of the new Fox News bard must now fade into the Orange County sunset.
BOTTOM
You know what; I speak from experience.
Alcoholic. Alcoholic. Just drinking Jack Daniel’s
Like crazy until, you know, you’re just like,
“Is that vomit on my face?”
So then I know what it’s like to hit bottom.
These people in Washington.
They never hit bottom.
(“Glenn Beck,” Fox News, March 2, 2009)
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Continue Reading CloseThe poetry of Glenn Beck, Vol. 2
The new Fox News star beams in on breast cancer and the Constitution, God and Bill O'Reilly.
CHOCOLATE MILK
So anyway, I’m on the plane
And they start in on breast cancer
And they say, you know, if you buy a certain drink,
You know, the proceeds go for breast cancer,
And originally I thought, that’s kind of cool.
And then they made the announcement
A second time and I’m like, okay, you know,
What am I flying Activist Airlines now?
Like, I get it.
Then the third time really became
The unfriendly skies for me
Because they started lecturing us
On how we hadn’t given enough
And they said, you know, we’ve really not sold a lot of these,
The poetry of Glenn Beck
Every day the Fox News pundit feels the pain and suffering of average Americans. Now it's time to experience his free verse.
MEATBALLS AT THE FURNITURE STORE
Somebody said let’s make Swedish meatballs at the furniture store
And somebody else said, that’s a stupid idea; nobody’s going to want meatballs at the furniture store.
And the first guy on that first day, his ass was on the line.
And so one customer came for lunch, he knew he had to get rid of the meatballs
And he was like, yeah, you want meatballs from the furniture store?
And they’re like, yeah, I guess; my wife has been dragging them around forever.
Anything. Just whatever. I was thinking about eating an ottoman
A little while ago but then meatballs has actual meat in it
And then the guy behind the counter said, well, I’m not really sure
But ya, ya, sure. So then he takes the meatballs
And he has to put them on a huge plate
Because he has to get rid of them.
Otherwise, you know, the big Swede is going to say
That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
And so now that one fat guy who had the big bowl of meatballs
Now buys all of his furniture there and has told all of his fat friends,
Buy your furniture there because your wife will walk around
And you’ll have an hour worth of eating meatballs
And that’s what happened.
