Farewell, Glenn Beck, poet!

Oh, woeful day. The scintillating verse of the new Fox News bard must now fade into the Orange County sunset.

Published April 2, 2009 10:25AM (EDT)


You know what; I speak from experience.
Alcoholic. Alcoholic. Just drinking Jack Daniel's
Like crazy until, you know, you're just like,

"Is that vomit on my face?"

So then I know what it's like to hit bottom.
These people in Washington.
They never hit bottom.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 2, 2009)

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If I would have said a year ago that we were going to
Lose over 50 percent of the value of the stock market,
People would have said I was crazy.
If I would have said when Citibank was, I don't even know,
Trading at $50 a share, hey, Citibank is going to be under
A dollar in the next year, they would have said I was crazy.
If I would have said we're going to have a president elected,
And he is going to bring us to the verge of shredding
The Constitution, of massive socialism, and he'll do it in
The first six weeks in office, I would have been told I was crazy.

But now people still are saying oh come on.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 6, 2009)

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You know what, I don't know when it became un-American
To say, save for a rainy day, or you know
Why don't you just -- why don't we just
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best
Or make sure you're wearing clean underpants
In case you're in an accident
But that's a different story.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, Feb. 23, 2009)

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At first, the idea of the Forgotten Man was
The little orphan that was in the middle here and
Everybody forgot that, and government and
The businessman was happy and
Playing the role of government is Jesus because
I think that's who we have as president now, and so ...
What would happen is this guy would be happy and
This guy would be happy, but the little orphan
Was left out, but now the Forgotten Man; help me out on this;
Now the Forgotten Man, Jesus, decides that he
Is going to help out the little orphan person; so ...

You, no longer wearing the top hat and no longer happy,
And of course, the little orphan boy now has a crack pipe and
Octomom is back here with her tentacles; OK,
There's Octomom; Jesus decides to take the money from you
Now, and then he gives it to Octomom.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 5, 2009)

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It's been a week where I've given up all sugar; I'm trying
To lose weight, it's the war on chins and I haven't
Had sugar in a week, I get a little nasty and cranky
When I haven't had sugar; it's not right, it's not.
I haven't lost a pound in a whole week; I haven't had any sugar.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 11, 2009)

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I'm amazed at the argument that you can't amend
The Constitution, you can't change the Constitution;
That what our founders designed. Isn't this -- maybe I'm wrong.

I have never heard of the people's representative,
The people that -- if a guy is supposed to uphold the laws
That the people pass goes to the Supreme Court and says,

I know I'm the chief guy, I'm the attorney general,
I'm the chief guy to uphold the law, and the people said
This is the law, but the people can't do that.

Has this ever happened before?

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 5, 2009)

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I want to, I want to say
I want to say to you
That you have been
Unbelievably gracious to me;
And you have no reason to be.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 12, 2009)

By Hart Seely

Hart Seely is a reporter for the Syracuse Post-Standard. His works have appeared in the New Yorker, New York Times, on National Public Radio and in National Lampoon. He is author of "Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard," and editor of "Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld." Tom Peyer has written for DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Wildstorm and Bongo Comics. Seely and Peyer co-edited "O Holy Cow! The Existential Verse of Phil Rizzuto."

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