The poetry of Glenn Beck, Vol. 2

The new Fox News star beams in on breast cancer and the Constitution, God and Bill O'Reilly.

Published April 1, 2009 10:37AM (EDT)


So anyway, I'm on the plane
And they start in on breast cancer
And they say, you know, if you buy a certain drink,
You know, the proceeds go for breast cancer,
And originally I thought, that's kind of cool.

And then they made the announcement
A second time and I'm like, okay, you know,
What am I flying Activist Airlines now?
Like, I get it.

Then the third time really became
The unfriendly skies for me
Because they started lecturing us
On how we hadn't given enough
And they said, you know, we've really not sold a lot of these,

And I don't remember what it was.
I don't remember what it was.
I was going to say it was like chocolate milk
But that would probably be bad to sell for breast cancer.

So it wasn't definitely milk
But it was something that I didn't want to drink,
And I don't remember what it was but I thought, well, I don't want that
And, you know, and the stewardess said, we do this all the time now
Because our airline cares about breast cancer

And we have really not raised very much money this flight
And we know you guys care about breast cancer,
Bah, blah, blah,
And I wanted to say,

I care about you pulling into the terminal on time
And delivering my luggage all intact.
I care about breast cancer as well
But that's not really your primary job and
Please don't lecture me on giving until it hurts.

For the love of Pete.
Because all I kept thinking is, they don't really care.
Do you really think this giant corporate monolith cares?
They don't care.

Now, maybe some of the individuals do,
But as a corporation they care?
They're doing it for good PR.
They want to be the airline that cares.
Am I being too harsh?

Notice nobody's --
Wow, nobody wants to go
On record with me, huh?
I'm standing all alone.

("The Glenn Beck Program," Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 27, 2007)

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You always get hassled; people always go,
O, Bill O'Reilly, he is just a hatchet man
For the Bush administration. The deal is,
I've watched your show enough to know
You hammer the bat snot out of both sides.

Bat snot.

("The O'Reilly Factor," Fox News, March 6, 2009)

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Let's say you are in Saudi Arabia
Where nobody's ever heard of the Trinity.
You're a Catholic. Nobody's ever heard of
The Trinity. What, the Trinity?

What, it's three in one,
They're everywhere and nowhere.
Jesus is on the cross
But he's really God.

So God has died but
Yet he didn't die
And how does this --
Imagine you've never heard this before.

So you've never heard
Any kind of explanation.
So it works.
You know what I mean?

("The Glenn Beck Program," Premiere Radio Networks, Dec. 7, 2007)

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You stand up for the border,
You're a racist.
Are you really a racist?
I'm not a racist.

("The Glenn Beck Program,"Premiere Radio Networks, Nov. 27, 2007)

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I challenge anyone, Republican or Democrat,
To point to the word "charity" in our Constitution;
The government, I've never felt charitable,
Never felt charitable on April 15th, have you?

But I have when I have written out a check
Myself and sent it in to the fire department
Or sent it in to Jon's hospital, or sent it in to my church,
I do feel charitable then; it's about changing people's hearts.

And I got to tell you, tax day makes my heart
All black and bigger; maybe it's just me.
Check out all the nine principles
And the 12 values at

Now, should we legalize marijuana?

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 2, 2009)

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Tomorrow : More of Glenn Beck's best verse, including "Forgotten Man" and "To a Lover."

By Hart Seely

Hart Seely is a reporter for the Syracuse Post-Standard. His works have appeared in the New Yorker, New York Times, on National Public Radio and in National Lampoon. He is author of "Mrs. Goose Goes to Washington: Nursery Rhymes for the Political Barnyard," and editor of "Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld." Tom Peyer has written for DC Comics, Marvel Comics, Wildstorm and Bongo Comics. Seely and Peyer co-edited "O Holy Cow! The Existential Verse of Phil Rizzuto."

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