Salon.com > Hart Seely

I bleed, it leads: My final news stories

Fri, 15 May 2009 10:24:00 +0000

Salon

Third-grader Johnny Martin couldn't understand all the commotion Thursday, as a crowd of grown-ups gathered to open the brand-new wing at Branson Elementary School.

"I was hoping for no school," the 9-year-old said, climbing off the bus. "I wish we could just stay home."

Someday -- probably after he's given them the best years of his life -- the corporations will grant Johnny his wish.

* * * * *

Losing weight has never been easier, said Georgia Kravich, author of the best-seller "Counting Calories to a Slimmer You."  The former model, who appeared at Oakdale Mall Thursday, stressed the need to stay focused and not cave in to bedtime cravings.

Here's a tip she missed:

Lose your job! Without money to put food on the table, you'll shed pounds fast.

* * * * *

The 90-degree heat didn't bother Ed Farley Thursday, as the white-haired groundskeeper clipped the grass at St. Mary's Cemetery for the last time.

Farley, 84, is retiring from the parish staff after 63 years.

"We've been blessed to have Edward," Father Eugene Burke said. "Everyone knows that we won't get another like him."

Farewell, Glenn Beck, poet!

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 10:25:00 +0000

BOTTOM

You know what; I speak from experience.
Alcoholic. Alcoholic. Just drinking Jack Daniel's
Like crazy until, you know, you're just like,

"Is that vomit on my face?"

So then I know what it's like to hit bottom.
These people in Washington.
They never hit bottom.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 2, 2009)

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WHAT I COULD HAVE SAID

If I would have said a year ago that we were going to
Lose over 50 percent of the value of the stock market,
People would have said I was crazy.
If I would have said when Citibank was, I don't even know,
Trading at $50 a share, hey, Citibank is going to be under
A dollar in the next year, they would have said I was crazy.
If I would have said we're going to have a president elected,
And he is going to bring us to the verge of shredding
The Constitution, of massive socialism, and he'll do it in
The first six weeks in office, I would have been told I was crazy.

But now people still are saying oh come on.

("Glenn Beck," Fox News, March 6, 2009)

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The poetry of Glenn Beck, Vol. 2

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 10:37:00 +0000

CHOCOLATE MILK

So anyway, I'm on the plane
And they start in on breast cancer
And they say, you know, if you buy a certain drink,
You know, the proceeds go for breast cancer,
And originally I thought, that's kind of cool.

And then they made the announcement
A second time and I'm like, okay, you know,
What am I flying Activist Airlines now?
Like, I get it.

Then the third time really became
The unfriendly skies for me
Because they started lecturing us
On how we hadn't given enough
And they said, you know, we've really not sold a lot of these,

And I don't remember what it was.
I don't remember what it was.
I was going to say it was like chocolate milk
But that would probably be bad to sell for breast cancer.

So it wasn't definitely milk
But it was something that I didn't want to drink,
And I don't remember what it was but I thought, well, I don't want that
And, you know, and the stewardess said, we do this all the time now
Because our airline cares about breast cancer

And we have really not raised very much money this flight
And we know you guys care about breast cancer,
Bah, blah, blah,
And I wanted to say,

The poetry of Glenn Beck

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 10:35:00 +0000

MEATBALLS AT THE FURNITURE STORE

Somebody said let's make Swedish meatballs at the furniture store
And somebody else said, that's a stupid idea; nobody's going to want meatballs at the furniture store.
And the first guy on that first day, his ass was on the line.
And so one customer came for lunch, he knew he had to get rid of the meatballs
And he was like, yeah, you want meatballs from the furniture store?
And they're like, yeah, I guess; my wife has been dragging them around forever.
Anything. Just whatever. I was thinking about eating an ottoman
A little while ago but then meatballs has actual meat in it
And then the guy behind the counter said, well, I'm not really sure
But ya, ya, sure. So then he takes the meatballs
And he has to put them on a huge plate
Because he has to get rid of them.
Otherwise, you know, the big Swede is going to say
That was the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
And so now that one fat guy who had the big bowl of meatballs
Now buys all of his furniture there and has told all of his fat friends,
Buy your furniture there because your wife will walk around
And you'll have an hour worth of eating meatballs
And that's what happened.