All across America, people are witnessing a remarkable transformation. You can see it in the crowding of a school, feel it in the crumbling of a bridge, and smell it in the water from a drinking fountain. It's a new era for a new land, and it's headed your way.

As the poet Walt Whitman might have blogged, "I hear America cringing." Welcome to America Lite. Now with 3,700 percent more deficit!

In America Lite, cutbacks run free and contractors ride off into the sunset. And seldom is heard a discouraging word in the wide open spaces of your retiring TV news anchor. Good morning, America Lite! Join us as we gloss over the results of your Extreme Makeover. Lady Liberty has had the principles liposuctioned right out of her, Uncle Sam is on steroids, and the biggest enemy of the United Nations just got nominated as ambassador to the United Nations. What's next? Lizzie Borden for secretary of health and human services? MC Hammer for secretary of the treasury? Donald Rumsfeld for secretary of defense? But enough about that. We now return you to our regularly scheduled Martha Marathon, already in progress.

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Pointing out that catastrophic success doesn't come cheap, the White House reiterated its unwavering commitment to spreading cashocracy to contractors around the world. "We have reason to believe that Iraq has amassed vast stockpiles of opportunism," the president said, predicting that "the trail of imminent debt would inev-, inebit-, ineptly lead to an 'Axis of Upheaval.' But by staying the course, and profiting from experience and other stuff along the way, we can secure the fate of unborn generations." The unborn generations, who were not available for comment, are said to be reviewing alternatives.

The president's wish list was scribbled on the back of a postcard that also read, "Dear Federal Surplus, Enjoying D.C. Wish you were here."

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The president addressed a GOP majority that applauded more than 167 times, including when Wrecketarian of State Condoleezza Rice gave the stink eye to Sen. Barbara Boxer, and when Vice President Dick Cheney flossed his teeth with Sen. Harry Reid.

"I owe the American people a great debt," the president said. "So let us begin the work of giving that debt back to them." The president proudly displayed a finger that had been dipped in red ink, and then handed the finger back to Alberto Gonzales, his nominee for Atrocity Central.

The personal deficit proposal instantly quashed fears that Bush's Social Security reform was about as bad as things were likely to get. As one observer said, "It was suddenly so quiet in there you could have heard Tom DeLay's indictment drop."

"I -- I guess that's good news," said a visibly elated average American who was being hustled away by Secret Service agents for walking within a mile of Washington. "Everything's fine, right? You guys'll have me home in time for 'American Idol,' right?"

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We've had us a time, haven't we? Delivered some swift kicks, both foreign and domestic. Took a evildoer out of a deep hole and secured our economy in its place. In Iraq, we retaliated in advance, and in Ohio, we never had to retally at all.

Wherever we saw the environment, we took care of it. Barney ate fish out of a bucket on the Outdoor Channel, and I went to a town hall and shot me some fish in a oil barrel. I call that being a steward of the land before it can steward unto you. We put on a Clear Skies Act, so someday, if the environment rears its head again, your children and grandchildren will not have to look at that sort of thing.

We took on education and won, passing the buck to a few good spokesmen and making it easier for a pretty swell bunch of mammon lovers for Jesus to get their hands on the rest. Because wherever two or more think tanks and charter schools is gathered in his name, so goes the agenda. Donor by donor, pawn by pawn, we're forming a coalition of the shilling to lead this children's crusade all the way to the front lines of graduation -- to what I'd rather not say. The future is ours, and the rest will just have to figure something out when they get there.

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The Silent Senator
Now with snooze alarm! It's just another jolly gathering of the Electoral College, and you and the gang are all set to certify what nobody can verify. But what if some senator spoils the moment by standing up to protest simply because a corrupt secretary of state systematically prevented the votes of many Americans from being cast or counted? Don't let this happen to you! Just plug in "The Silent Senator" -- now available in virtually every shade of Democrat, from "Go along to get along" Whitewash, and "I can't touch that" Golden Boy, to "I've gotten too comfy here" Gray! Don't forget the amazing, invisible "I'm there for you, America, just, uh, from somewhere far, far away," available in Transparent. (Sorry, no spine available for these models.)

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Folks, the holidays are the perfect time for nostalgia, so dust off those bright and shiny things you are soon to pack away in the attic -- tinsel, twinkling lights, civil liberties, economic justice, whatever spells "peace on earth, goodwill to all" to any of you sentimentalists out there.

Here are some other festive ideas to liven up your holidays as our journey south gets underway:

Consider adopting one of the quaint customs of other lands. For example, Ukraine. (See also American folklore for venerable traditions such as "voting": 1) the act of making a choice to determine the outcome of something; 2) the total number of ballots cast by eligible voters.)

Set out some snacks for Santa. But plan those holiday menus carefully, Mom and Dad! As Tommy Thompson said when resigning as secretary of health and human services, "For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do." Good thing we stocked up on fruitcake.

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... I'm Slab Manley coming to you live from Main Street USA Now over to you, Cutie.

Thanks, Slab. Well, we've got gorgeous weather coming at you for today's up-to-the-minute insults to your intelligence. Washington Weatherbird Dick Cheney says the forecast calls for scattered loudness with partial fearing and outbreaks of nuclear bomb attacks at all suburban garage sales.

Tee-riffic! Time to dust off the ol' hip boots, Cutie!

That's right, Slab. Oh, look here comes the next October Surprise. "The Las Vegas Voter-a-Go-Go" is a spectacular piece of work made entirely of shredded voter reg forms, each one painstakingly signed by would-be new Democrats. But now all that boring paperwork has been made over into flashy, trashy trickery that's sure to be all the rage from Toledo to Tampa.

As Elvis said, "A little less registration, a little more action."

Viva, lost voters!

You can do anything, but lay offa mah blue state ruse!

Don't be cruel, Slab, we all know Nevada is a red state!

Well, it is now, Cutie! Ba-da-boom! Say, isn't that the "Freedom Is On The March" Marching Band?

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John Kerry will not be appearing, as he has previously committed to a four-year engagement in Washington, D.C.

But for those who witnessed this fascinating production, described by democritics and moderate republicists alike as "Deficit of a Salesman," the spectacle of the actor's art has never been more transparent.

Said one audience member, "It's as if, when Shakespeare wrote of a 'tale told by an idiot ... signifying nothing' he was foreshadowing the arrival of erroneous Bush. The man was a genius. You know, the English one."

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Woman asks Kerry if people are right to call him "wishy-washy." No, says Kerry. It's just that Bush's wishful thinking on WMD led to character attacks that don't wash. Addresses poor domestic record, declares Bush first president in 72 years to lose jobs. Bush pounces: Fuzzy math! Everybody knows I am only 58 and a half years old! Makes quippings of mastication. Insists tax cuts were aimed right up the middle class. Pained looks on Missourians, general shifting in seats confirm they took it up the class, all right.

9:15 p.m. Woman asks Bush if unjustified invasion of Iraq could possibly be justified, since justification proved not to be justified. Bush expresses bitter unhappiness that weapons capable of destroying large numbers of people did not exist. He then proves that not all U.S. manufacturing has declined when he gives a Carol Merrill wave at the latest excuse to roll off the White House assembly line -- Saddam Hussein was a rambler and a gambler. Bush struts. Damn system gamer! Oddly, he does not mention others involved in this corruption. So no word yet if, when airstrike will be launched against U.S. oil companies.

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Conceding the point, Edwards recognized Dick Cheney's most notable and enduring campaign strategy, saying, "Mr. Vice President, you are still not being straight with the American people."

Throughout the 90-minute debate, Cheney drew on his long experience, carpet-bombing the proceedings with magnificent mendacity. Whether claiming never to have met John Edwards or denying that he had frequently made a false connection between Iraq and September 11, the front end of the Cheney-Bush racehorse was out to show that he could have his yellowcake and delete it too.

Cheney also proved himself the expert at directing many answers under the table, the better to highlight his preferred location for making deals. At other times the vice president, who suffers from prolonged lack of exposure to all known light sources, folded himself neatly into his own skin while simultaneously executing an upward glower, a downward bite, and a sideways utterance. This left Edwards, the political neophyte, with no choice but to look the American people square in the eye and speak plainly. Indeed, Edwards looked every inch a Portrait of the Senator as a Young Man to Cheneys older, more developed Portrait of Dorian Gray.

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The first question goes to you, Senator Kerry. Do you believe you could do a better job than President Bush in preventing another 9/11-type terrorist attack on the United States?

KERRY: Duh.

LEHRER: Mr. President, you have a rebuttal.

BUSH: Jimmy, let me put my brand on September the 11th. September the 11th been very, very good to me, and I just want to say thank you to the people of September the 11th. Ever since, seems to me we've been safer. Got the multi-pronged thing going on, lots of extra prongs. So like I've been telling the American people, put a fork in it, Iraq's done. But if my opponent had his way, we would never even have jumped out of the fire into the frying pan.

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For while the Kerry campaign continues its manic obsession with rectifying our domestic- and foreign-policy crises, Bush has been a steady, focused Man with a Mission Accomplished. And he's done this while also blasting away at the core issues affecting virtually every man, woman and child in the U.S.

Education: While Kerry plans to establish the first ever National Education Fund to ensure that schools always get the funding they need, Bush has proven that he can be relied on in a second term to slash $200 million from Head Start, $11 billion from children with disabilities and $7.2 billion from children in poor communities.

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O let us never forget, lest we stray into that most decadent of temptations, known to girlie men as democracy, that it is the threat of terrorism alone that determines our vote, and that only a vote for W will appease the evildoers. Hallelujah!

As you sign in for this re-education seminar, "Electoral Madness Made Easy," please tell us what inspired you to spontaneously and independently choose this unwarranted course of action:

A) George W. Bush's bold stand on behalf of lovesick OB-GYNs, as well as his brave support of "money for armor and body parts" -- finally, a candidate who really understands the issues.

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I want to thank everybody who's here. And I want to thank 'em right quick for everybody who's not here. Some people don't think like us. They wear T-shirts with bad words on them. That is my name on those T-shirts. I just want to reach out to those people and say, You know, we all have a obligation to vote. But that doesn't mean you have to.

People got lives, people got families. There's schools out there with tests to take, folks with meals to eat of some sort or other. People busy doing decent things with their neighbors as they would like to be done decent to themselves. People who don't want to waste their god-fearing time explaining to an FBI agent who enters their home late at night whether they accidentally committed voter fraud. Which a lot of people probably commit and do not know it until they are in jail. And when that happens to your elderly grandmother it is sad. It threatens the security of this country.

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Ever since Mr. Right came into my life, I've had a sneaking suspicion that something's different. Don't get me wrong: He's a perfect gentleman, and so thoughtful. The other day he gave me that adorable deer-in-the-headlights look and said, "A sovereign entity means that. It's sovereign. You're a ... you're a ... You've been given sovereignty -- and you're viewed as a sovereign entity."

Wow. I never knew it could be like this.

Sometimes, though, I miss the little things. Jobs. The environment. Civil liberties. Last week I caught him going through my purse. He said he was just testing my security capabilities. Then he tried to distract me with some heavy tax stimulus.

Later I noticed my wallet was empty. At first I thought, "Well, what's five trillion when I have Mr. Right to watch over me?"

The next day I couldn't find my health insurance. When I asked him about it, he laughed and said, "Why don't you just start a health savings account?" How can I when he's spending all my money? Now my pension is missing. I hate to be a bother, but something seems amiss here.

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The right wing accused us of being cranky.

Now when I have ever been cranky? Puzzled, maybe, that none of my right-wing neighbors who tout volunteerism and bootstrapping as cures for poverty ever helps me wash dishes at my local food bank.

A tad miffed by the vandalism of our nation's economy. Somewhat panicked as I struggle to make the mortgage on a one-bedroom home. A teensy-weensy bit sick and tired of being sick and tired, as it says on the tombstone of Fannie Lou Hamer.

Just a hair freaked out about consumer debt, national debt and foreign debt. With a soupçon of nostalgia for my hazy memories of the inside of a doctor's office.

Nudged, ever so gently and kindly, to the brink of suicidal despair by the disappearance of living-wage jobs.

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Now, several months later, there was the bicycle, parked outside the same pub. Since I come from a long line of people with a talent for doing things the hard way, I set to wondering whether to call the gardai (the police), make inquiries from the owner of the pub, or pursue any number of drawn-out remedies.

Meanwhile, Ciaran was wheeling his bike down the lane.

At which point another fellow emerged from the pub, saw first the bike, then Ciaran, and glowered. It was a look of knowing annoyance, not innocent outrage.

"It's my bike," Ciaran reminded him bluntly.

"Well so," the affronted thief retorted, "You're just going to TAKE it back then?"

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Here at home, the thieves of democracy are policing Americans who would have the gall to take back what's been stolen from us.

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Hailed by newly hired movie reviewers everywhere as "one of the coziest, happiest, and fuzziest films of the year," "Scare 'n Hype 411" is a kindly examination of the good times ushered in by the Bush administration's economic policies and other smart moves.

According to an exclusive in Us & Them magazine, the Carlyle Group will sponsor free mandatory screenings of the film everywhere from now through November, with a 24-hour gala marathon set for Nov. 2.

The movie uses a combination of comforting narrative and subliminal Terror Alerts to tell the heartwarming story of families who are doing just fine, thank you very much.

The movie also takes on many stereotypes about wealthy Americans, allowing them to set the record straight once and for all.

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Shares of irony surged 78 percent in response to FDA approval of the drug InOp. The patented hallucinogen, which contains the active ingredient "indifferent optimism," is already being used to treat politicians who suffer from occasional awareness. However, it has not yet been tested on human beings. Sales hit a record high in the days following the death of former President Ronald Reagan.

Other new economic indicators reveal a similar trend away from facts as a viable market index. In a nationwide survey 5 out of 5 economists with job security, benefits and stock options reported being unconcerned that 80,000 Americans a month are still being put out of work.

"There are always layoffs," said an unruffled Jess Fine, a senior business economist with the Federal Reserve Bank of Chicago. "Jobs are being created and jobs are being destroyed every day. Just not my job."

Among the jobs being created, says Fine, are self-employed lottery ticket investor, privatized civil servant at large, and vice president in charge of overseeing mail drop in the Bahamas.

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According to shocking revelations in a story in the Baltimore Sun datelined Portland, Ore., "Debbie and Greg Bowen would prefer to drive their spacious sport utility vehicle to the Oregon shore on weekends. But at a time of spiking gasoline prices, they've been opting for the smaller Acura, which costs less to fill up."

That makes me sad. No one should ever have to choose between the Acura and the SUV. Yet millions of Americans have been forced into the same mildly disappointing situation -- Acura set an all-time single month sales record in May, and year-to-date Acura sales rose to 80,556, up 20.2 percent from 2003. It's like rationing, only with cash rebates and a 0.9 percent APR.

By comparison, Daniel Soto has it made. With only one used vehicle, he hops in without a care in the world and commutes 876 scenic miles to the nearest available job. A tradesman with the Plumbers and Steamfitters Union in Saginaw, Mich., he probably can't appreciate what it's like to gaze in melancholy at the ocean weekend after weekend. While the Bowens endure the torment of having to sit in close proximity to their own small children for hours at a time, Soto only has to see his family every couple of weeks.

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