If it is not too much of an imposition, I should like a prototype iHat. It would be really fun to sport mine before they’re all the rage. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

Apple responds:

Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

Thank you for your correspondence dated Dec. 12, 1999. It is Apple’s policy not to accept unsolicited ideas concerning products, product enhancements, processes, materials, advertising, promotions or marketing plans (all hereinafter “IDEAS”) from sources outside the Company. Our policy may be viewed at http://www.apple.com/legal/#unsolicited.

In this regard, all IDEAS submitted to Apple are forwarded to my office. I keep such IDEAS in my locked files.

We hope that you understand that this policy is necessary to prevent claims that Apple appropriated unfairly unsolicited IDEAS submitted to the Company.

We do appreciate your interest and support of Apple Computer, Inc.

Very truly yours
APPLE COMPUTER, INC.

Albert P. Cefalo
Associate Counsel
Director of Patent,
Trademark & Copyright

Oct. 4, 1999

Idaho Dept. of Fish & Game
600 S. Walnut
P.O. Box 25
Boise, ID 83707

Dear Idaho Dept. of Fish & Game:

Please excuse my ignorance as I am uncertain as to your jurisdiction over the following matter. I am interested in a position as an ursus horribilis, more commonly known as a grizzly bear. While I have never worked as a bear before, I nevertheless feel that my 26 years as a human being — including a weeklong stint as the Easter bunny at a local mall — will only enhance relations between our embittered species. I love the outdoors, eating copious amounts of salmon and berries, and hibernate nightly. I require only a modest salary and can start immediately. I should mention that I am not interested in a position as a black bear as their habitual forays into the human realm reflect the inherent despotism of their race.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

Idaho Dept. of Fish & Game responds:

Oct. 27, 1999

Dear Ken,

In response to your letter I have the following information. You are correct: The Idaho Fish and Game department does not have any jurisdiction over grizzly bears. They are a federally listed species so the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service manage them.

However, I find your wishes to work as a G Bear rather admirable and perhaps some day there will be an opening. But, one must remember that human beings routinely shoot them, or destroy their habitat.

One could enjoy eating salmon and berries but you should be aware that the entire run of salmon in the Columbia basin is in trouble. Without the public getting involved greed and a profit motive will allow the human species to cause these magnificent fish to go extinct in the next 20 years.

What can you do? Get educated on the salmon issues and then become involved in saving them. Then if and when you get a job as a bear you will still have something to eat.

My secretary, Donna, said she would like to have a picture of you in your Easter Bunny outfit so if you have a good one could you please send her a copy.

Sincerely
Pat Cudmore

July 14, 2000

Vice President Al Gore
Gore 2000
2410 Charlotte Ave.
Nashville, TN 37203

Dear Mr. Gore:

In lieu of cash, please accept my cassette copy of Eric B. & Rakim’s 1988 classic, “Follow the Leader.” Rap is infinitely more entertaining and laconic than conventional campaign discourse. But do it well or not at all. Remember Lamar Alexander’s ragtime band? Almost as bad as the flannels. Here are some lyrics:

I’m to the left y’all
I’m to the right y’all
I’m to the center of the left of the right
And I got the mic y’all

I got the mad phat legislative skills
I ain’t passin no campaign finance reformin bills
Cause the DLC is down with OPP
that’s gonna finance me to beat the GOP

I be a crafta of NAFTA
And the unions still write me checks cause they hafta
So all you lefty crusaders can all vote for Ralph Nader,
Or just write in “Darth Vader,” while I clock mad paper

I’m the A-L-G-O-R-E,
From Tennessee
Not a cracker, not a Yalie frat boy slacker
At Harvard I wasn’t floppin, the Democratic Party I be rockin’
I ain’t frontin’, they say my party stands for nothin’

So here’s two things you can bet:
We really like trees and I invented the Internet.

Study Naughty By Nature’s first two albums and any Public Enemy you can get your hands on. Do not, under any circumstances, use a human beat box, you don’t have the street cred. I look forward to hearing the final product in Los Angeles.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

Al Gore responds:

Oct. 3, 2000

Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Kenneth:

Thank you so much for the song, “Follow the Leader,” and your lyrics that you sent to me. I appreciate you taking the time to remember me in this way.

Over the coming months we will face many challenges, but I am confident that together we will win this campaign and make a positive difference for America. We can and will lift up our children, make our streets safer, and fuel the economy while building a lasting prosperity that leaves no one behind.

I am truly impressed with the generosity and thoughtfulness of the American people. Your personal support of me is what encourages me to work hard for positive change in our country. Through your show of support I realize that together, we will make the 21st century the brightest time our nation has ever seen.

Again, thank you for your generosity. I wish you all the best in the future.

Sincerely,
Al Gore

The unspoken sentiment regarding antidepressants is that there is something wrong with the user. Failure to achieve happiness, or even a sustainable satisfaction with life, is anathema to a culture so passionate about success in both the personal and professional arenas. In an effort to provide succor and community to Paxil users, I think it would be great to organize social activities. My initial thought, I will confess, is a selfish one as it coincides with my favorite recreational activity: softball!

There might be enough Paxil users in certain areas to form a league. However, interdrug play will be inevitable with friendly rivalries between the Paxil Panthers and the Prozac Pirates. I would recommend playing 10 to a team, an extra outfielder or “short fielder,” plus the traditional nine defensive positions. Slow pitch and five balls to walk will encourage everyone to hit. Recreational softball should never be a pitchers’ duel.

I would be delighted to organize a team and would very much like it if you could provide me with a list of other users to contact. I don’t think it imposing to ask SmithKline Beecham to defray uniform and equipment costs. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

SmithKline Beecham responds:

August 14, 2000

Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

Breaking down the stigma on anxiety disorders is a challenge we face each day. We agree that it is a formidable task to change societal beliefs that anxiety disorders are not diseases of the individual psyche but rather clear, definable medical conditions. Society’s need to blame the sufferer is intolerable and must change.

We are pleased to hear that Paxil has helped you to feel better about yourself and gain control of your life, so much so that you are able to live confidently with your condition and be involved in activities with friends and strangers. You are one of the many survivors who can help society understand that anxiety is indeed a true medical illness.

We admire and acknowledge you for your commitment to helping raise awareness of anxiety disorders and your creativity in your proposal. Unfortunately, we must decline your request for assistance in building an antidepressant softball league. While we cannot provide you with a shirt, I thought you might like a sample of some Paxil promotional items.

We wish you many “home runs” in every and all games you play. As a final note, if you would be interested in sharing your story with others to help accelerate the acceptance by society of people with mental illness please contact Holly White at (212) 598-2845.

Warmest regards, Barry Brand
Product Director, Paxil

September 1, 2000

Mr. Bob Ulrich, CEO
Target Stores
33 South 6th Street
Minneapolis, MN 55440

Dear Mr. Ulrich:

I was delighted to learn that Target contributed to the restoration of the Washington Monument. The monument is oft derided by sophomoric intellectuals as a phallic paean to American colonialism. I believe our country, with its myriad of caverns, caves and canyons, affords enough sexual iconography to satisfy both genders.

While in Maine last summer, several friends made a trip to the highest point in Acadia National Park to view the sunset. To my surprise, there were nearly a hundred sunset fans assembled with beach chairs and snacks. I didn’t realize sunsets still had a following. While most public events, outdoor concerts, parades, etc. are underwritten or directly sponsored by a corporation, I thought this situation ripe with opportunity.

Target might research sunset viewing locales throughout the United States and during the summer months, set up beach chairs and serve light refreshments — all conveniently available at Target stores. This practice might be met with initial shock, orchestrated outrage and cynicism, but over time, the benefits will be incalculable. Instead of associating sunsets with the majestic beauty of nature, inspirational self-improvement greeting cards and quasi-spiritual epiphanies, people will associate sunsets with Target stores and products. The ubiquity of sunsets translates to millions of dollars in free publicity and advertising.

You owe me big time.

Sincerely,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

Target responds:

September 13, 2000

Mr. Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

Thank you for sharing your comments regarding community relations programs with us. Mr. Bob Ulrich, Chairman and CEO — Target Corporation, has received your idea and asked me to respond. On behalf of Mr. Ulrich and Target, I would like to thank you for taking the time to share your idea.

Without comments and suggestions, we wouldn’t know what our guests like about our stores or would like to see implemented in the future. While I cannot guarantee that your suggestion regarding a “sunset club” will be implemented, I will share your idea with our Community Relations team.

Thank you again for taking the time to share your idea. We value your business and hope you will continue to shop at Target.

Sincerely,
Kevin Kaye
Target Executive Office

July 17, 2000

Gap Inc.
900 Cherry Avenue
San Bruno, CA 94066

Dear Gap Inc.:

Several years ago, mine eyes beheld the glory of three window mannequins displayed in your outpost on Wilshire Boulevard. Whether it was the nostalgic loneliness of a New Yorker trapped in an L.A. autumn, smog ingestion or indigestion, I just can’t say. But what transpired over the course of several weeks will forever remain a landmark chapter in my romantic annals.

Devoid of appendages and outfitted in provocative skirts and tight sweaters, this abstracted female plastic provided me a safe environment for emotional intimacy. For this, I cannot thank you enough. For three glorious weeks, I spent every available moment with my headless harem. I was mistaken for a shoplifter, a drug addict and an executive producer. I did not care; I was in love.

Many consider my behavior perverse and indicative of misogynist sexual deviance. I can assure you that our relations were far from licentious. Some use training wheels to learn to ride a bike; I use mannequins to love. When seven torsos in fleece replaced Clair, Amy and Artemesia, the loss was harrowing. Since then, I’ve been involved with the Liz Claiborne window at Bloomingdale’s, but it’s clearly a rebound thing. We just haven’t admitted it yet.

I am fermenting in the heart-stomping misery of limbo, praying I might reestablish contact with my former loves. Please deliver me to a place called hope.

Yours truly,
Kenneth H. Cleaver

The Gap sympathizes:

July 20, 2000

Mr. Kenneth H. Cleaver
P.O. Box 810
Bedford, NY 10506

Dear Mr. Cleaver:

Thank you for your letter. The structures we use for display in our stores now, although abbreviated, are much easier for the staff to handle in composing and arranging clothing displays.

While it’s unlikely that we’ll bring back the earlier mannequins you admired, we sympathize with your disappointment about their departure, and thank you for checking with us.

Sincerely,
Christie Allair
Corporate Communications