For people like me, and probably for the majority of those of us who have witnessed Sarah Palin's rise to prominence, her allure as a personality is both mysterious and depressingly obvious. In an age where solid branding is the only way public figures can attract a dedicated following, Sarah developed her talking points and stuck to them religiously -- especially during the course of this program. Throughout the eight episodes, we were sold the image of a hard-working, blue collar everywoman who values family above all else and who will protect that family, and her country, by any means necessary -- and preferably with a firearm. She's become an iconic character -- a modern day Annie getting her gun -- embodying badass, maternal and "naughty librarian" appeal in one package. Not an easy feat.

Continue Reading...

Why would this be broadcast on television, you ask? To drive home variations on the themes that Sarah's been shoving down our throats all season, of course.

Theme 1: Cutting down trees is HARD WORK done by HARD-WORKING ALASKANS!

Can you believe it? And would you also believe that there are perfume-scented pansies who write Sarah letters with their "pretty little pencils" about how offended they are that people cut down trees -- apparently without realizing that they're writing their sissy notes on the very paper that Alaska produces?! And did you know that those San Franciscan, falafel-eating pinkos really BURN HER UP?! Did you KNOW that?

Continue Reading...

Once the broadcast was done, the Palins took to the RV again for their next Alaskan adventure -- this one in multiple parts. First order of business was an exploration of the Talkeetna Mountains, a place that, as Sarah explained, "our family has been visiting for the last 40 years," which of course meant that she'd probably never been there. 

The first day they took a rafting trip down the Matanuska River with Piper, Willow and her nephew -- Happy -- led by their white water rafting guide, Mud Flap (Sneezy, Dopey and Doc were meeting up with them later…) "We're going to be barreling down some pretty intense Class 3 rapids today," Sarah explained, which is akin to saying they were going to be partying hard on Grape Ne-Hi and Planter's Cheese Balls (Class 3 rapids are the rafting equivalent of driving over a speed bump at 10 miles per hour in your grandma's Plymouth.)

Continue Reading...

At first, things seemed to go well between the two women. "Kate and I have a lot in common -- like we put our children first," says Sarah -- right before they attend a course on how to survive a bear mauling. It seems that putting children first entails taking them all camping in a part of Alaska that has a higher than average occurrence of brown bear attacks. We've been dancing around the issue since the show began, but this week's episode was a full-on middle finger flip to gun control advocates everywhere. Our first stop was the gun store, because every Palin adventure must begin with the purchase of a new firearm.

"Out in this territory anything can happen, but it's nothing a shotgun can't handle," Sarah says, clearly giddy at the thought that she might have an opportunity to drop one of those attacking bears so that media outlets can replay the clip over and over again come Republican primary time. 

Continue Reading...

She explains how important this is for her family, because the key to their survival is making sure there is enough meat to tide them over for the winter. "The rifle in your hand could mean food on your table," she explains to us somberly, before throwing on her designer camouflage outfit and pink "Girls love Guns" baseball cap. Apparently the Palin's lost income from that abandoned governor gig has hit them hard.

Sarah made sure in this episode that we clearly understood how hard she was clinging to her guns and religion. She takes us into the wild Alaskan Tundra to a hunting camp 14 miles from a place called Kavik -- located north of the Arctic Circle. Kavik has a population of one, a hearty gal named Sue whose motto, "blood, guts and bullets," clues us into the fact that we're dealing with a real Mama Grizzly -- and not just because her head was chomped on by one a few years prior. "Here, feel this," she says, placing Sarah's fingers in the holes in her scalp where the bear tossed her around. She goes on to explain how she broke free, crawled back to camp and sewed her scalp back on -- presumably with the intestines of pansy Democrats she has squirreled away in her meat locker -- before passing out for ten days until a relief plane came to rescue her. 

Continue Reading...

Sarah loves work so much that she and work should get a room and make sweet, procreational, Christian love.

During this week's hour long infomercial, she talked about how her son Track "needs to learn his father's work ethic" and how every decision she makes is to "connect to family, nature and work" and even that her dream for son Trigg, who has Down's Syndrome, is that everyone "treats him like one of the other kids … and expects work out of him." In Sarah's world you either work hard or look like you are, because Jesus is coming, got that?

And Sarah loves Alaska.

Sarah loves Alaska so much that, during every episode, she takes us to a part of the state that we've never seen before. Only thing is, we kind of get the feeling that this is the first time she's seen it too -- or at least the first time she's been back to that particular hell hole since she found something else to do. Not to say that much of Alaska isn't stunning to look at, but most of this particular episode took place in Dillingham and the fishing village of Ekuk -- places largely composed of mud and fish heads. "She seems to love it there," Barbara Bush quipped recently about Sarah's love of the state, "I hope she stays." 

Continue Reading...

Do you remember that David Hasselhoff was a contestant this season? And that we all thought he might actually win the whole thing because he was the biggest train wreck of the bunch, and therefore the most fun to watch? God, I've missed him.

We should have known that David's demise right out of the gate signaled unusual things to come -- but the next set of dismissals seemed to proceed as predicted. Who can forget Michael Bolton's junkyard dog routine? Or Margaret Cho's exuberant yet fatally flawed psychedelic gay bird number? You could argue that The Situation should have fallen before Margaret (considering he had trouble walking gracefully, let alone doing anything that could seriously be characterized as "dancing") but there was no outrage with that decision. After The Situation floundered, Florence Henderson was the next logical one to go, having used every "naughty granny meets Doris Day" strategy in her diabolical arsenal to keep us from noticing that her partner Corky was basically carrying her around like a Muppet had been sewn onto his front.

Continue Reading...

Continue Reading...

Before we travel to the halibut capital of Alaska -- a "working man's" town appropriately called "Homer" -- with the self-described "everyday American" Palin family, Sarah shows us how she spends the bright Alaskan summers getting up at 4am to take a pilates class before talking to the "East Coast" at 7am -- because the best way to start the day is "sweaty and a little bit hurtin'." After a full day tweetin' and setting her record straight with the "lamestream" media, she gathers the hapless Todd and "old soul" Bristol for a quick turn at the shooting range -- or as Sarah describes it, "the place where her girlfriends took her for her baby shower before Piper was born."

Continue Reading...

I can only surmise that the promise of Obama, too clever for its own good while it was being sold to us, never effectively communicated the "personal sacrifice" and "patience" aspect of the inspirational message during all that "Yes We Can" business. So, the "American People" have grown impatient and embraced Palin -- the anti-Obama -- an embodiment of style over substance, charm over talent, anger over reason, simplicity over sophistication, opinion over fact, beauty over intelligence and fear over courage.

Continue Reading...

Apparently I'm out of touch with the "American People" -- which probably is not that surprising since my composite of the "American People" is a doughy, white, Latino-hating, gay weary, Whopper eating, "Teen Mom" watching, Bible spitting, tea-party yelling mob from some buck-toothed state in the middle of the country who are constantly whining about how the rest of us -- the "non-American People" -- are ruining "their" country.

And how Obama spends his days kneeling on his Muslim prayer rug chanting for more dead babies, a Federal Government takeover and an arugula salad in every bowl. Because he's a hippie, elitist, commie terrorist. And a Nigerian citizen. And a black Panther who hates small business owners, wants to shackle the family doctor to an assembly line, rape Suburban mothers and take their husband's money -- before catching a quick pick-up basketball game with LeBron James, Lil Wayne and the rest of the black mafia -- while racking up taxpayer bills for his uppity wife's fancy Spanish wardrobe on the blood, sweat and tears of the hardworking, Coors swilling, Joe six packs who built this country, dammit.

Continue Reading...

"Audrina is going to [expletive] rise. She's got class," said the elder Patridge, "You know why? She's a Polish, Catholic, [expletive] full-on Italian."

At this point, reports claim she took a dainty sip from her club soda and lemon before continuing.

"I've had it. I've been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bullshit, but Audrina's going to the next level, baby. [Expletive] "Hills" girls -- "Hills" tramps! My baby's a star!"

Clearly moved, the reporters -- in a rare act of respect and deference -- placed their cameras on the ground and gave Lynn a round of applause that escalated to a crescendo as she closed out her remarks by graciously acknowledging her daughter's co-stars.

Continue Reading...

I'm not going to say that America rejected Florence because of that unfortunate "finger-lick/cougar scowl/breast fondle" move, but when Bristol Palin wanders around a dance floor aimlessly in a monkey suit and still gets more viewer votes, we have to assume something didn't quite click.  

Tonight, the remaining seven couples performed two dances for "Rock Week" -- including a marathon session where couples were picked off one by one -- worst to best -- and rewarded accordingly.

Audrina Patridge

Continue Reading...

"I, uh, you know -- don't think of it as getting eliminated if you will -- per se."

No?

"Some people may call it 'an elimination'-- but that's just a fallacy that goes back to prehistoric kindergarten."

Uh huh

 "…I'm the freakin' grandpappy pimp in the MIA, yo…"

 OK

 "…with the GTL to stay FTD…"

Right

"The Situation moves ON. Finds a chick who's DTF –- no grenades or landmines…

No what?

"Grenades or landmines. Grenade's a big ugly chick and a landmine's a thinner ugly chick…"

Oh

"…gotta get my SMASH on."

I see

"And not with that broad Angelina. She's like the Staten Island ferry -- it's free, and everyone gets a ride."

Alright

"'Dancing with the Stars' has been ah-ight, but there's no dancing on that show – not really"

You don't think so? 

"They should call it 'hopping to trumpety crap while they talk smack about your feet.'  That's not dancing."

It's not?

Continue Reading...

And I guess they did. She wasn't the strongest dancer on the show by a long shot, but she certainly wasn't the weakest. I think her biggest challenge was that America doesn't stomach complexity on these shows; we don't want to wrestle with layers of personality or reward messy crises of confidence. We want our Situation's simple, our Palin's innocent, our Brandy's sweet and our Grey's black and white. And Margaret was never a single note gal.

Kurt Warner

Continue Reading...

Yeah, I worked really hard on my karaoke rendition of "Making Love Out of Nothing at All" at the pirate-themed "Purple Parrot" lesbian bar in Rehoboth Beach this summer, but you don't see me sending a video audition to Royal Caribbean. 

Michael was fatally out of his element -- like Meg Whitman at a working class neighborhood pancake breakfast -- and no amount of hard work was ever going to save him.

So, it's on with the show for Story Night!

Jennifer Grey

Continue Reading...

 Girl, PLEASE. 

You and I both know we don't want to be sitting here weeks from now reading about how beautiful Jennifer Grey's dress was and how an endlessly perky Kyle has mastered the Fox Trot. So, let's get our priorities straight, people. 

Rick Fox

My first reaction to Rick Fox is to be put off by the movie star smile. I instantly picture him in a champagne room somewhere with Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan doing blow off a Laker cheerleader and I'm annoyed. But I've got to hand it to him -- tonight he took that 6'7" frame of his and bounced around the stage like a Mormon missionary in an "Up with People" revue. 

Score: 21

Florence Henderson

Continue Reading...

Audrina Patridge

"I'm so excited we're doing the cha cha," says Audrina Patridge of "The Hills", clearly SO excited. These types of girls are always pretty excited though -- in that "I just need to white knuckle it until Paris shows up with another 8-ball of blow" kind of way. Audrina has the timeless innocence of a newborn, and the brainpower to match. "Whose floor is this?" her partner Tony asks to get her psyched up for her performance, as she looks at him blankly wondering if it's a trick question. "The gym's," she thinks to herself, "isn't it?"

Continue Reading...

Shannen Doherty -- Beverly Hills 90210 alum and notorious bad girl who danced with the grace of an oompa loompah and stole the hearts of tens to fifteens of people.

Buzz Aldrin -- Celebrated astronaut, all American hero, lovable grandpa to a nation and WWE Raw Monday night host – a quadruple threat preserved in botox who couldn’t hoist enough American flags to overcome biological reality.

Aiden Turner -- Sexy Irish soap star with a chiseled jaw, electo-shocked hair and bumpy abs who couldn’t overcome generations of British-ishness and twisted knickers to ever emerge as a contender

Kate Gosselin -- Karmically challenged reality-show personality who redefined motherhood with her devil-may-care moxie and the marketing savvy to spawn the right amount of children to rhyme with her first name.

Continue Reading...

Bah dum PAH.

I should probably confess that I never really watched "Dancing with the Stars" until this season. I had always considered it more of a "Dancing with the D List as Arranged by the Publicist" kind of program -- where people like Heather Mills went to redeem herself, Joey Fatone propped up his falling star or a perky bachelorette extended her 15 minutes. And it clearly is all of those things. It never occurred to me that it could be anything more, though, until I started to see people actually grow and evolve in ways that they may have not anticipated. That’s the story that I became interested in.

Like Nicole, who entered amidst a cloud of controversy as the one with the most dance and performance experience, only for us to discover WHY she is so successful. Say what you want about innate ability, but every minute of the day she seems to be squeezing every last drop of talent that she was given to earn her success, as opposed to taking it for granted.

Continue Reading...