Salon.com > Lance Gould

Charlie Ward’s holy hoops quiz

Fri, 11 May 2001 19:00:00 +0000

New York Knicks point guard Charlie Ward caused a firestorm a few weeks ago when some comments he made about Jews appeared in a New York Times Magazine article. Ward told the piece's author, who is Jewish, that, among other things, "Jews are stubborn," "they had [Christ's] blood on their hands" and "there are Christians getting persecuted by Jews every day." This occurred in a Bible study class before a game against the Milwaukee Bucks (a team owned by Wisconsin Sen. Herb Kohl and whose general manager is Ernie Grunfeld -- both Kohl and Grunfeld are Jewish).

Ward's teammate, Allan Houston, chimed in with a bit of Scripture he called up on his Palm (Pontius?) Pilot, in which he noted how Jews "spit in Jesus' face and hit him with their fists." (Come to think of it, that sounds more like the typical behavior of Charles Barkley.)

Since the article came out, the Knicks were eliminated by the Toronto Raptors, sending the Knicks to an ignominious first-round playoff loss for the first time in 10 years.

Georgie Mnemonic

Thu, 19 Apr 2001 19:00:00 +0000

OK, so President Bush's first 100-or-so days haven't exactly been a stellar lesson in diplomacy. In fact, in this brief period, foreign relations have already cooled to pre-Clintonian frigidity. This as tensions have increased between Washington and Moscow (for them spying on us), Beijing (for us spying on them) and with the rest of the world (for our ignoring the Kyoto Treaty and generally acting like a bunch of smug, silver-spoon-born oil thugs).

It doesn't help any that the denizens of other nations -- hell, even most Americans -- doubt that Dubya could name the capital of France, let alone dictate a competent foreign policy. Indeed, one of the major stumbling blocks he hit on the campaign trail came when he was hard-pressed to name dignitaries and heads-of-state of other countries, his across-the-table peers-to-be in the global political arena.

One skill that the president does seem to possess is doling out "clever" nicknames to those people he encounters regularly, including his family (his wife, first lady Laura Bush, is "First"), Cabinet members (Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is "Rummy," Secretary of State Colin Powell is "Balloonfoot"), journalists in the White House press corps (New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd is "Cobra"), key figures on Capitol Hill (House Speaker Dennis Hastert is "Speak") and even those pesky foreign heads-of-state whose names he can't remember (Russian president Vladimir Putin is "Ostrich Legs").

Blame Canada? Hell, let's declare war!

Thu, 23 Mar 2000 17:00:00 +0000

Over the summer of 1997, about 170 angry (and presumably not very pleasant smelling) Canadian fishermen formed an impromptu naval blockade, preventing the Malaspina, an Alaskan passenger ferry, from leaving port in Prince Rupert, British Columbia. The Canadians were apparently peeved that Americans from Alaska had overfished sockeye salmon in the Pacific, and they effectively took the Malaspina's 150 or so passengers hostage. They relented after a two-day siege, but President Clinton warned ominously that if and when an American ship was held against its will again, the United States would take stern countermeasures. And he wasn't just threatening to cut Canadians off from must-see TV.

Had it come to this? The United States and Canada, the two nations that share the world's longest unprotected border, on the verge of becoming another Bosnia -- all because of a bunch of fish? Not exactly. But there is plenty of empirical evidence to point to a serious worsening of U.S.-Canadian relations.

Who in the world watches the Oscars?

Wed, 22 Mar 2000 10:31:00 +0000

Rwandans, Bosnians and Indonesians are dying ... to see what Gwyneth Paltrow will wear to the 72nd annual Academy Awards! But despair not, citizens of Kigali, Sarajevo and Jakarta. Regardless of the hardships you've had to endure over the past few years -- the massacres, ethnic cleansings and political upheavals -- you will get to see the Academy Awards in all their overlong glory -- provided, of course, you have television sets. And electricity.

Yes, the world is watching. Sort of.

The Academy Awards and the Golden Globes both license the rights to their programs to other nations around the world. Both of these awards programs can get very self-congratulatory about the alleged billions of people tuning in. These numbers are hopelessly exaggerated, usually the product of adding together each broadcast-licensed nation's entire population, rather than an estimated, Nielsen-like figure approximating actual viewers. Even if the Academy Awards were to be broadcast in China and India -- which, as of press time, they were not to be this year -- it certainly would not mean that every citizen from Bombay to Beijing would be able to tune in the program. Or even give a crap.

Driving Miss Crazy

Thu, 27 Jan 2000 17:00:00 +0000

Earlier this month, Jane Fonda and her husband, Ted Turner, announced their separation. So what seems to be the problem?

Well, when he's not telling Polish jokes to the Pontiff, leading 50,000 yahoos in nationally televised Native American humiliation seminars (aka the Tomahawk Chop) and signing Major League Bigot John Rocker's paychecks, reports say that Turner seems a tad disturbed with his wife's latest makeover.

The Washington Times reported that Fonda is "regularly attending church services and Bible studies in Atlanta," and quoted a friend of hers who said the actress' faith is "very real, very deep." Remember, Turner is the man who once called Christianity a "religion for losers." But wait ... Jane Fonda a born-again Christian? Hanoi Jane of Nazareth? The Gospel according to Klute? Comes a Horseman of the Apocalypse? Working 9 to 5 for the Lord?

Jesus Christ vs. Ted Turner

Thu, 27 Jan 2000 17:00:00 +0000

Don't cry for Jane Fonda, America. Yes, she is suffering through what is no doubt a traumatic breakup with her husband, Ted Turner, but she'll find solace in the arms of her new man, Jesus Christ. As she puts her trust in Him, she just might find that He bears many similarities to her still-legal spouse, Ted. For example ...

Blank	Jesus Christ	Ted Turner
Nicknames	"Son of God," "Little Child of Bethlehem"	"Captain Outrageous," "The Mouth from the South"
Claim to fame	Subject of musical, "Jesus Christ, Superstar"	Owner of cable TV superstations
Impressive water stunt	Walked on it	Won the 1977 America's Cup
Made a name for himself in the Middle East	Yes, preaching there	Yes, with CNN's Gulf War coverage
Altruism	Preached good will toward all men	Created the Goodwill Games
Performed miracles	Turned water into wine, etc.	Turned perennial-loser Atlanta Braves into World Series champions; turned black-and-white movies into full-color movies
Inherited his father's business	Yes, Judaism	Yes, billboard advertising company
Deals with enemies by	Turning the other cheek	Challenging them (as he did Rupert Murdoch) to pay-per-view boxing matches in Las Vegas
Was once Time magazine's Man of the Year	No, actually	Yes, 1991

He don't love you

Wed, 17 Nov 1999 17:00:00 +0000

Last month, Wayne Newton signed the "most lucrative" contract of his quixotic career, a 10-year, 40-week-per-annum mega-deal with the Stardust Casino in Las Vegas. He won't discuss the terms of his contract, but about 1,000 miles east of Vegas, Newton is thick in the middle of another potentially lucrative blockbuster to which the financial terms are public information.

Newton filed a $20 million lawsuit against fellow croonmeister Tony Orlando. Actually, Newton's June 21 suit was a return volley -- Orlando fired the first salvo in this real-life Celebrity Death Match, having launched his $15 million lawsuit against Newton two months earlier, on April 28. Their feud centers around the theater that -- up until December --
Newton and Orlando shared in Branson, Mo.

Branson is, without question, the preeminent Ozark Mountain vacation spot. Replete with more than three dozen musical revues, paddle-wheel riverboat cruises and a 19th century theme park, it's also home to a boatload of once-famous entertainers -- from Andy Williams to Yakov Smirnoff -- whose careers have gotten a third wind in this show-biz anomaly in the southwest corner of the "Show-Me State."

Give me an “oy!”

Thu, 14 Oct 1999 16:00:00 +0000

Mendy's, the real-life Murray Hill restaurant made famous on "Seinfeld,"
is about as authentic a kosher deli as you can get. It's got
excellent matzoh ball soup and it's closed on Friday nights for
Sabbath. Satisfied? So when a Semitic superstar is indoctrinated onto
Mendy's "Jewish Athletes Wall of Fame," you know he has received the
rubber stamp of an authority almost as high as the Big Guy himself.

Only problem is, there are very few fellas on the wall. Sure, you've got
your baseball heroes of old -- Hank Greenberg and Sandy Koufax -- and
All-American poster boy Mark Spitz. But the rest of the mural space is
taken up by significantly lesser figures; indeed almost a third of the
names belong not to athletes but to coaches and local sportscasters,
like Len Berman and Bill Mazer. (There's also a hilariously defaced Marv
Albert, whose name has been scratched out.)

We Jews are not exactly renowned for our athletic prowess -- we're
usually better at the management side of things. The four major
professional sports leagues in North America know from what I'm talking
about, as three of them have Jewish commissioners (Major League
Baseball's Bud Selig, the NBA's David Stern and the NHL's Gary
Bettman).

Afoot in the South African bush

Mon, 30 Nov 1998 20:00:00 +0000

"Do you know why I smoke in the bush?" asks Leslie Brett, a South African safari guide, as he takes a lethal drag on his harsh Lexington cigarette.

"To scare dangerous animals away?" guesses Jane, one of the students in his outdoor classroom.

"Nope," he says, fiddling with the rifle strapped across his back.

"To see which way the wind is blowing the smoke?" I offer.

"No," he says, exhaling a substantial cloud and pausing in this Socratic dialogue. "The reason I smoke is because I'm scared shitless every time I come out here." He breaks into a naughty schoolboy's giggle.

His students laugh, too, savoring a light moment in an otherwise terrifying nature walk. Just an instant later, our guard is back up -- we're about to sneak past an active hyena lair as the nocturnal creatures sleep. The collective heart of our single-file line skips a beat as Les sharply rebukes us, "Be quiet!" Creepy whitebacked vultures circle high above us. Fresh lion tracks on the trail hint at what may lurk beneath the waist-high reeds. Even ticks, sensing our exuded carbon dioxide, leap onto our socks.

Rogue Ambassador

Thu, 06 Aug 1998 19:00:00 +0000

Earlier this year, when President Clinton visited Africa -- the first U.S. president to do so since 1978 -- Kenya was conspicuously absent from his itinerary. Once an obligatory destination for any high-ranking American official in the East African neighborhood, Kenya is now on America's unofficial "pariah" list. Blame the rule of its despotic president, Daniel arap Moi.

Moi's "face appears on every coin minted and on bills of every denomination," writes journalist and diplomat Smith Hempstone in his new memoir, "Rogue Ambassador." "The shopowner who does not display Moi's photograph on the wall of his store is at considerable personal risk ... The courts rule as he wishes, and he jails opposition legislators and newspaper editors with impunity." As the U.S. ambassador to Kenya from 1989 to 1993, Hempstone courageously stood up to Moi, applying pressures diplomatic, economic and otherwise every time the dictator-cum-magician made a dissident disappear.