I understand your desire to get your famously hot body back. Even we mere mortals, who somehow managed to get impregnated despite never once making it to the Maxim 100, have gazed longingly at our pre-pregnancy pants, yearned to set our draw-stringed maternity clothes on fire, and gasped a "What the HELL?" when getting a load of our doughy postpartum selves in the mirror. And we never had to get in shape for a Victoria's Secret show. We didn't even coin the word "bootylicious" to describe our own assets.

So, Beyonce and company, I can only imagine the disconnect you feel, seeing yourself all squishy after having that baby of yours, and the pressure you must be under. But I am begging you all, knock it off. The world already will hold you under a cruel microscope the second you dare to step out in public. So, Miss Sasha Fierce, you don't have to joke, as you did during your comeback gig this past weekend, "Y'all have no idea how hard I worked! I had to lose 60 pounds. They had me on that treadmill. I ate lettuce!" Adding that you're now going to get "chocolate wasted" doesn't mitigate the message. This is what one does after having a baby: One gets on a treadmill and eats lettuce.

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The lensman claims Bieber hit him as he was taking photos of the singer with his girlfriend Selena Gomez. After complaining of pain, the photographer was taken to the hospital and released shortly after. TMZ reports that witnesses say the man was blocking Bieber's car and that after the scuffle, a person identifying himself as a lawyer approached the photographer and suggested he call an ambulance and file a police report. Sheriff's department spokesperson Lillian Peck refused to comment on the case, but if a report has been filed, Bieber, who left the scene after the incident, would now be the subject of a police investigation.

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There were other stories of children who'd gone missing before Etan Patz. Sometimes even sensational cases. But this one was different. He wasn't a famous person's son, like Charles Augustus Lindbergh Jr. He was just a kid doing what kids did back then. Roaming freely on his street. And unlike the nearly 30 children who disappeared and were murdered during the same period in Atlanta, Patz had a father who is a photographer. Overnight, New York City was plastered with images of his sweet-faced little boy under the chilling word "Missing." Eventually that face became the first to appear on a milk carton.

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Larry Flynt's venerable publishing enterprise has, throughout its history, championed freedom of expression in its own unique way. In 1984, Flynt famously went all the way to the Supreme Court over the right to run a parody ad of inexhaustible loon Jerry Falwell reminiscing about losing his virginity to his mother in an outhouse. Tasteless? Yes. An obvious lampooning of a public figure? Also yes. But when Hustler recently ran a photo of conservative writer S.E. Cupp Photoshopped to look like she was performing oral sex, that was something altogether different.

The Cupp photo exists as a "celebrity fantasy" – i.e., an imaginary hate bang. And though Hustler takes pains to cover its butt, noting that "No such picture of S.E. Cupp actually exists. This composite fantasy is altered from the original for our imagination, does not depict reality, and is not to be taken seriously for any purpose," it ponders, grossly, "What would S.E. Cupp look like with a dick in her mouth?"

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You'd think that after that ranting, complaining voice mail that "Community" star Chevy Chase left showrunner Dan Harmon went viral this spring they'd have learned. Or maybe after Harmon responded to his dismissal just last Friday by spilling his guts on Tumblr. You'd think the muckety-mucks would have figured out by now that the best you can do when there's tension in your little creative family is to be forthright and creative about it.

Note, for example, how the show's star Joel McHale spent the spring diplomatically – and wittily -- handling the talk-show circuit after Chase's meltdown, joking that the voice mail had to be fake because "there’s no way Chevy could figure out voice mail." See, it's glib and funny and sounds magically off-the-cuff! Get it? The cast of "Community" -- which includes the incredibly on-the-ball Danny Pudi, Alison Brie and Donald Glover – knows how to handle itself.

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Back on April 11, the 21-year-old Washington state man settled in with his girlfriend to enjoy "Titanic" in 3D -- right in front of a boy known only in police documents as KJJ. What ensued led to a night in jail and a charge of second-degree assault.

According to the Associated Press, the boy, who was at the theater with three friends and his mother, says "they were watching the movie and talking when Kim told them to be quiet." KJJ maintains that they settled down, but when he later whispered something to a companion, Kim "jumped over the seat, threw an iced drink at them and punched KJJ in the face." He says Kim told him something like, "You know what, I paid a lot of money to see this movie."

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In March, Ravi was convicted of charges of bias and intimidation stemming from the death of Clementi, his Rutgers roommate, whom he had secretly filmed, in Ravi's words, "making out with a dude." It was a story that reverberated around the world, and helped invigorate the anti-bullying movement. As Judge Glenn Berman handed down the sentence Monday afternoon, calling Ravi's actions "offensive and unconscionable," he said that he would not recommend deportation. But the judge did pointedly tell Ravi, "I haven't heard you apologize once" for his callous behavior. And he said he made "no comment" regarding any further civil actions the Clementis might take.

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After seven years on "SNL," Wiig said goodbye on Saturday night's season finale that will go down as one of the sweetest, most choked-up moments on the show since Steve Martin said goodbye to Gilda Radner on the day of her death almost exactly 23 years earlier.

Even without an official announcement, Wiig's twirly, teary departure is enough to make even the most casual fans of the show crank up the Adele and mainline a tub of Edy's Grand. It doesn't matter that fellow castmates Andy Samberg and Jason Sudeikis have reportedly moved on from the show as well. They leave behind established male cast members like Seth Meyers, Fred Armisen and Bill Hader. Wiig, on the other hand, blows a gaping hole in the show's female lineup. The 24-year-old Abby Elliott, who moves up the rung to the show's senior lady cast member, is now its biggest female star. But she's yet to display that versatility or command the clout that Wiig has. Kate McKinnon may yet bust out into full-blown "SNL" stardom, but she's only been on the show for five minutes.

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Last fall, Broviak says, her 13-year-old daughter's suburban Chicago school forced her to let them access her Facebook account and scour her private information, a policy Broviak says is commonplace in the Geneva Middle School South. In a blog post in April, Broviak added that when the incident happened, "the vice principal called me to demand I come to the school immediately to read through [my daughter's] private messages."

Broviak told MSNBC Friday, "What a violation of my daughter's privacy this whole episode was," adding that the experience took "a huge toll on my daughter, who ended up crying through most of the rest of the day and therefore missed most of her classes. She was embarrassed and very upset." She says when she confronted the school about the issue, they told her it was routine policy to investigate students' social networking pages and cellphones.

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Then there's the subtler version. The kind where you look around one day and suddenly realize that gay people have been building families and creating homes together this whole time. They're your neighbors. They're your fellow parents on the PTA. And they are totally the couple building an amazing new deck this weekend. For 18 years now, HGTV has been a steadfast force for exactly that kind of tolerance, simply by advancing the radical notion that homosexuals are out there in the world obtaining mortgages and painting their interiors just like straight people.

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But it's nonetheless disappointing that a man we at Salon bestowed our highest honor to just six months ago has proven himself so terribly unenlightened. In an interview for Examiner.com last week, one of our 2011 Sexiest Men declared of marriage, "It should not be of the same sex so as to adulterate the altar of matrimony, like in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah of Old." Oh dear. Winning lots of fights? Sexy. Getting elected to the Filipino Congress? Sexy. "Donating millions to improve living conditions in his poverty-stricken nation"? Super hot. Not being down with civil rights? Bzzzzzzt!

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Let's get something straight, so to speak, right off the bat. There's no disputing that Manny Pacquiao is not the most enlightened guy to ever put on gloves and fight for a belt. In a story for Examiner.com this past weekend, blogger Granville Ampong wrote of how the boxing champ takes issue with Barack Obama's recent groundbreaking declaration of support for same-sex unions. "God's words first ... obey God's law first before considering the laws of man," Pacquiao told Ampong, in what the writer described as "an exclusive interview." Pacquiao was further quoted explaining that "God only expects man and woman to be together and to be legally married, only if they so are in love with each other… It should not be of the same sex so as to adulterate the altar of matrimony, like in the days of Sodom and Gomorrah of Old."

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On the surface, a sitcom about a young, kooky OB/GYN with a spotty dating history and a penchant for getting falling-down drunk doesn't exactly scream "groundbreaking." But it's the presence of the woman who's given us the fearlessly self-obsessed Kelly Kapoor on "The Office" all these years, who wrote a book called "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" and who launched her career channeling Ben Affleck in a play, that gives the show the distinct possibility of actually not sucking.

Why is Kaling great? Why does her formulaic show look considerably more promising than the already-canceled-in-my-mind "Guys With Kids"? For starters, she's already been at it for seven years. TV is her zone. She doesn't harbor the affected air of a stand-up comic or a slumming movie star, trying to cram herself into 22 fake-fun minutes. Instead, like "SNL" veterans Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, she's got a natural flair and rhythm for the medium.

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Unshockingly, the National Review Online was quickest to leap into pearl-clutching position. After deeming the image "as bad as it will ever get," Glenn T. Stanton pronounced that "This poor boy may be diggin' life now, but will soon be forever teased as the Got Milk? boy that Time magazine and his indulgent mom made infamous." And in the Contra Costra Times, Tony Hicks decided that all the mothers who appeared in the story's photos did so "simply to have something really embarrassing to use against their kids when they become teenagers."

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In case you thought, nay, hoped, that the barrel-bottom had been fully scraped last week when the New York Times asked, in a query straight out of the Onion, "Has women’s obsession with being the perfect mother destroyed feminism?," now Time magazine has upped the ante with a cover story brazenly challenging "Are You Mom Enough?"

It's accompanied, by the way, by a picture of a hot blonde and her 3-year-old son standing on a chair to suckle her breast.  Yo, take THAT, Room for Debate page! I guess Time felt it really had to bring it after uber-troll Katie Roiphe's piece last month on why feminists just want a good spanking.

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It's no accident that the president's change of heart happened to make for a perfect sound bite. Nearly as fast as Barack Obama, leader of the free world, could utter the words "Same-sex couples should be able to get married," to ABC News correspondent Robin Roberts, @barackobama -- the president's not-nearly-as-popular-as@JustinBieber Twitter account -- was announcing "Same-sex couples should be able to get married." As of Thursday morning, it had been retweeted over 56,000 times and counting.

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Last week, the conservative Christian group One Million Moms, already enraged that the retailer ignored the call to fire beloved, "open homosexual spokesperson" Ellen DeGeneres as its spokesperson, took on another quest. This time, vowing "the loss in sales from traditional families," they're taking aim at an image of a smiling same-sex married couple with their daughter in one of the retailer's ads. This, to them, somehow represents "the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children." There they go again, giving moms a bad name.

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Bishop Martin Amos alerted the Prince of Peace school staff last week that "We cannot allow any one or any organization which promotes a position that is contrary to the teachings of the Catholic Church to present at a diocesan institution." The Eychaner Foundation describes itself as "a non-profit organization committed to promoting tolerance and non-discrimination." Tell us, Bishop Amos, exactly how that conflicts with Christianity?

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