Salon.com > Nikki Stern

Can I move past being a 9/11 widow?

Tue, 02 Aug 2011 01:01:00 +0000

I'd been imagining the 10th anniversary as a cleaver that, like the event itself, would sunder my life into before and after. Ten years after the attack that took my husband and left me an involuntary member of a group of grieving relatives, I would quit 9/11.

In 2005, I began to pull away from the roles that had given me purpose after my husband was killed. Activism is healing, especially when your life has been literally split in two (we were two; now I'm one). I felt I might be making a difference, and I found comfort in people who seemed to understand both my deep pain and my desire to work.

I was spent, though: tired of attempting to express opinions on behalf of others; tired of steering clear of opinions I wanted to express; sick of being treated differently, as if I were a victim or a moral beacon or, God forbid, an opportunist; sick of being seen as a symbol of resilience; a receptacle for a nation's fear, anger, resentment and confusion; someone forever defined by one unexpected, violent and all too public event. I didn't want to represent 9/11 families; I didn't want to be known as a 9/11 widow.

10 things I wish I’d said to Obama

Fri, 06 May 2011 20:18:00 +0000

Yesterday, as one of a group of selected 9/11 family members, I had an opportunity to meet with President Obama. Although the number of invitees swelled at the last minute and the format changed from a sit-down to a stand-up affair, I had my moments with the man. Problem is, I got kind of tongue-tied and forgot some of what I'd hoped to say:

You look AMAZING.
Would you consider closing Gitmo and turning it into a salsa club? I think you'd win points not only on your moral gesture but also for a project that could aid Cuba's economy, thus marking the first step towards normalizing relations. Even the conservative Miami Cuban-American population would appreciate your cultural sensitivities and their support could be key in winning Florida in 2012.
Michelle has you working with weights, doesn't she?
Some people are concerned that Pakistan, stung by being out of the loop when it came to the bin Laden mission, will become more dangerous, harboring terrorists and perhaps even sharing its nuclear power. But if you made a movie of the operation, you could cut Pakistan in on international distribution and related ancillary rights as well as job-creating monies generated by filming on location. To play well in certain parts of the world, the filmmakers might create an interactive version in which viewers get to choose alternate endings. This could be a boon to another growing cottage industry -- the conspiracy theorists. Win-win.
You're getting grey, Mr. President -- but I guess you know that.
You totally rocked at the White House Correspondents' dinner -- and considering it was the night before the big take-down, you deserve an Oscar.
Say, maybe instead of the usual photo ops, we might take a minute, just you and I, to do some serious talking about domestic and world issues and my online magazine, which you'd really like. I have a lot of good ideas and I think it would be very moving to have you sitting with an ordinary 9/11 family member sharing a moment to talk about the personal and the political while you're holding a copy of my book upright and facing the camera.
Can I sneak a peek at your long-form? Uh, birth certificate, I mean.
Did I mention that you look AMAZING?
It's an honor to meet you sir. I don't have anything to ask of you; I just want to thank you for being here today and for doing what you're doing. I’m a big fan of yours -- have been for some time -- and oh, by the way, my sister loves you, too.

(Actually, I did say that last bit, which might account for his big grin.)

How do I feel about bin Laden’s death?

Mon, 02 May 2011 22:30:00 +0000

Sunday night, I was asleep in my bed when I was jolted awake by the ringing phone, which I couldn’t answer because I’d moved it out of the way of the painters. After a couple more calls over the next hour, I finally made an effort to locate the answering machine to play back the messages: "Hi, we’re from such and such station and we were wondering how you feel about the announcement that bin Laden’s been killed?"

- - - - - - - - - - -

Nearly ten years ago I was standing in Pathmark supermarket with a dozen eggs in my hand when I first heard that a plane had flown into the north tower of the World Trade Center -- specifically into a group of floors that included the one where my husband worked for Marsh McLennan.

In the weeks and months after the attack, Osama bin Laden, the terrorist mastermind, became the reviled face of our faceless enemies: a devout hero to his admirers and the despised and delusional leader of a vast terrorist network. Because he continued to taunt us with videotapes, he was the perfect vehicle for our anger -- and our fear. With nineteen of the twenty highjackers dead, bin Laden was the guy we had to catch.

Is Joyce Carol Oates cashing in on her grief?

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 02:01:00 +0000

The prolific author Joyce Carol Oates has written a book about losing her husband, following in the heartbroken footsteps of many other such memoirs, such as "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion. Oates' book, "A Widow's Story," has been generally, although carefully, praised save for one review by New York Times critic Janet Maslin, who (bravely or foolishly, take your pick) questions the author's sincerity of purpose.

Maslin is careful not to criticize Oates' grief process but rather takes aim at the lack of emotional meaning or depth in "A Widow's Story." Oates' book is "far less fastidious ... flabbier and flightier" than Didion's work, Maslin asserts, and includes "threadbare metaphysics ... much minutiae ... and worrisome signs of haste." She also finds Oates' selective retelling to be deceptive. For example, the author includes poignant and poignantly funny stories about grieving but fails to go deeply into her 47-year marriage. A far more grievous omission, in Maslin's view, is the fact that Oates became engaged 11 months after her husband died and is now happily (one hopes) married. "How delicately must we tread around this situation?" Maslin asks. All of this leads her to conclude that Oates may have been seeking to "willfully [tap] into the increasingly lucrative loss-of-spouse market."

Pumpkin spice meringue shells with fall fruit compote

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 00:20:00 +0000

My sister the cook (not to be confused with my sister the research librarian) and I were reminiscing about Milwaukee the other day. We grew up there, third-generation locals on my dad's side. In those long-ago days, Milwaukee was largely German and Polish. One of Dad's favorite restaurants was Boder's in the small town of Mequon, Wis., just north of the city.

Dad had gone to high school with (and had dated) the owner at the time, Dolly, who ran the place with her husband, Jack, who'd inherited the place from his father. Eating there was like going to a friend's house for a meal -- a German-influenced meal, that is. Which is not to say the food wasn't first-rate because it was, from fresh-caught trout and whitefish (it was on the Milwaukee River) to more traditional German dishes (veal Oscar and duck with cherries).

I had a sweet tooth back then (still do) and so would order some dish I couldn't or wouldn't finish in order to save room for one of Boder's delicious desserts. Among the highlights was schaum torte with strawberries.

Pumpkin spice meringue shells with fall fruit compote recipe

Tue, 02 Nov 2010 00:20:00 +0000

Schaum Torte/Meringues

Yield: About a dozen

Unfilled shells may be frozen.

Ingredients

½ cup (approximately 4-6 eggs) egg whites at room temperature
1 teaspoon vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups sugar
½ teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
½ cup cooked pumpkin puréed (not pie filling)

Directions

Preheat oven to 275°.
Beat egg whites in metal or ceramic bowl (not plastic) until very stiff; add vinegar and vanilla. While mixer runs, add sugar very gradually until all has been added. Continue beating until mixture is well blended and egg whites again form stiff peaks. Reduce speed to medium and beat 1 minute.
Place the pumpkin purée and spice in a small bowl. Fold in 1/3 of the egg white mixture to lighten the pumpkin. Pour back into the whipped mixture and gently fold in. Be very gentle so that you don't deflate the egg whites. This batter should stand up to a spoon and not be at all runny.
Grease 2 cookie sheets and place large spoonfuls of the stiff batter close together to form large circles about the size of a fruit cup.
Bake in preheated oven 1 hour. Turn oven off and let cool completely before opening the door.
Remove carefully with a spatula. The shells will crack a bit allowing plenty of room for the compote or ice cream or both!

Fall Fruit Compote

Yield: 1½ cups

The Year in Sanity: Robert Sarver

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 19:10:00 +0000

Last April, if you will recall, the Arizona Legislature passed an immigration bill that allows state and local police to demand documentation of those who are suspected of being in the United States illegally and then to arrest those who fail to provide it. Described as a necessarily tough measure by its advocates, including Governor Jan Brewer, the bill was widely supported by Arizona residents. However, passage of the law set off a spate of protests by opponents nationally who feared "racial profiling" specifically targeted at Arizona's Latino community.

Enter Robert Sarver, banker, entrepreneur and majority owner of the Phoenix Suns, Arizona's basketball franchise. Sarver's team was playing in the Western Conference semi-finals, and Game 2 happened to coincide with Cinco de Mayo this year. Following passage of the immigration bill, Sarver announced the team would wear special "Los Suns" jerseys "to honor our Latino community and the diversity of our league, the state of Arizona and our nation."

Winner: The more time you put in your egg salad, the better

Tue, 13 Apr 2010 00:20:00 +0000

This winning entry for the Salon Kitchen Challenge -- in which we asked readers to come up with their most wonderful egg salad -- comes to us courtesy of Nikki Stern. Check out this week's Challenge here.

I never knew my mother's mother; she died three months before I was born. Within a year, my grandfather had remarried his second cousin -- a 52-year old single New York City working woman we came to know as Aunt Ray. She was a tiny dynamo of 4-foot-6 and she filled my grandfather's life with joy.

Every year, my family visited her and "Grampa Newark," as we called him, in New Jersey. We always ate the same lunch at their apartment: egg salad, sliced rye bread, sliced tomatoes, iceberg lettuce, coffee and angel food cake. I have no idea if Aunt Ray could cook; the angel food cake was store-bought. But the egg salad was homemade and amazing: delicate and perfectly moist. Ray insisted there were only four ingredients: eggs, carrots, celery and mayonnaise, but I always thought there was a secret she wasn't sharing.