Susie Bright is the author and editor of more than a dozen books, including The Best American Erotica series, the first three editions of Herotica, Sexwise, and The Sexual State of the Union. She has written for Nerve.com, Esquire, Playboy, Village Voice, New York Times Book Review, and is a regular columnist for the on-line magazine Salon. She lectures and performs at theaters and universities nationwide and currently lives in Northern California.

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A Garden of Sand by Earl Thompson

Another book placed directly in my lap by a girlfriend who said, "I don't like that prissy erotica stuff -- this is something that actually gets you off." While "The Godfather" was violent, it didn't mix violence with sex. "Garden of Sand" had anger, guilt, violence and sex all mixed in one pot and sometimes in a few brutal paragraphs. Two characters really shocked me -- a mother who has an incestuous relationship with her son and a furious dwarf who wreaks revenge on a prostitute -- but I couldn't get those scenes out of my head. This time, I didn't like having my friend know that I was turned on by the same things she was. I refused to talk to her about the book afterward. I was ashamed of myself for enjoying it and pissed at her for knowing I would.

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I first heard from Adrian a month ago when I wrote a column about getting lonely/horny on the road and not always being sure what to do about it:

Susie Dahl-ink,

Just read one of your recent Salon pieces about your book tour. YOU CRACK MY ASS UP. Before I became a multimedia superstar, I was a graveyard shift bellman at the Benson Hotel in Portland.

Let me speak from experience -- if it wasn't for road-weary travelers (one or two of them authors!) staying at the hotel, I'd have had no sex life for most of my early 20s. As it was, I saw more action than a Bruce Willis flick. If you get frisky and can't bear to face those terrifyingly sterile hotel sheets solo, call the concierge fer chrissake!

Adrian Ryan

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Dear Mr. Ryan,

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"I'd like to know," she stammered, "if it's possible to love two people at the same time." She seemed on the verge of tears, as everyone around her craned their necks to see who was asking such a personal question.

There was a murmur through the crowd that would have been outright laughter if the questioner hadn't been so wetly earnest. I know the first questions that came to my mind were: How is it possible not to love more than one person in a lifetime? Who hasn't been torn by conflicting feelings for more than one lover?

But I didn't get the chance to answer her. Another woman, the same age and with the same dewy freshness as the first, popped up in the front row and recited a full-length public service message trumpeting the benefits and principles of polyamory. Then another voice interrupted hers, a middle-aged, self-described mom of three, who said she'd been in a polyamorous relationship for nine years. A couple in the back yelled, "We've been doing it for 15!" At which point the audience of 500 broke into wild applause.

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Those of you with burning questions who can't make it to one of my appearances (but please do try, I'd love to meet you) can drop me an e-mail.

In your recent travels from sea to shining sea, what are the latest sex trends you see either in the underground or in the mainstream? Could there be anything new under the sun?

I detect that you share my exasperation when people talk about sex trends, as opposed to actual sex lives. Many of the wildest erotic controversies of the moment will doubtless seem rather shallow in several years. I've know more than a few sexual fashion victims who pierced themselves one month, took hormones the next and now they don't know whether to invest in Depends (infantilism might just be the next big thing) or shake their Kabballah-maker.

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Here's another one.

Your book, "Full Exposure" is so [relevant/wonderful/nauseating], I can't understand why you aren't more famous. Why aren't you on Oprah? Why aren't you on Charlie Rose? MTV? Is Rosie O'Donnell afraid of you? Are you being censored by the media conglomerates because of your radical sexual views?

I take all these questions as sincere compliments from people who believe my words should find a broader bandwidth. But I also realize that these questions arise from a bit of wishful conspiracy theorizing.

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OK, most people don't ask this question with quite that amount of sarcasm. More often, they just sound dreadfully concerned, as if they were asking about a terminal illness or a scary lump. I'm tempted to reply, "Oh, I dunno about Aretha, have you seen her?"

Here's why the question "Who's taking care of your child?" bugs me so much: I bet in the history of author book tours, no man has ever seriously been asked who's taking care of his kids. "Oh, excuse me, Mr. Updike, Mr. Rushdie, Seqor McCourt -- who is at home minding the baby?"

My daughter is home with the rest of her family. Her father is doing the driving, the feeding, the laundry, the tucking-in and the homework. He is a great "mommy" at all those things, whether I'm home or away. I think of all the single dads I know, and wonder how they put up with people imagining that they don't know how to kiss a skinned knee or whip up a killer macaroni casserole. This is parenting, this is love, it does not require the biological female touch!

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So, If you've got any questions for me while I'm driving up the West Coast with a trunkful of erotic books and my Hitachi Magic Wand, please drop me an e-mail. But before you do, don't forget to check out the following list of FAQs.

How often do you get laid on your book tour?

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"What is with these places?" she laughed, stretching her hands apart a yard wide. "The first thing we saw when we came in was this gruesome prick that was THIS big! Who the hell uses that? And all the videos! Every cover looks the same. They're hideous, and all the titles are like, 'Double-D Anal Ball Busters.' I told my boyfriend, 'I DON'T THINK SO!' When we finally went back to the car, this guy came up to me in the parking lot and asked us if we wanted to go home with him and do some wife-swapping! I mean, he was very polite, but I felt the whole time like I was a moving target!"

"I can't believe you didn't ask me to give you a tour," I said, shaking my head. "Going to these places is like visiting a museum -- you need a history lesson, a decoder ring and an experienced docent if you want to have a clue what's really going on.

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Sheesh, if that's true it's ridiculous. Herpes is so much less traumatic than many other conditions people live with all their lives, it's not even fair to make a comparison. Yes, it's worse than dandruff, but it's nowhere near as bad as high blood pressure, migraines or plantar warts!

It's not the true nature of this disease but the sexual shame and prejudice surrounding it that shuts people up. I urge you to follow my example, get out of the herpes closet and put an end to leper-colony metaphors!

Other itchy, cranky, sometimes-terrified and sometimes-grateful people wrote to me about their own experiences with herpes. Here are a few:

Susie,

You are dumb. You can get herpes with condoms, because the sores can be anywhere, and oral sex spreads herpes too.

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/08/21/herpes2/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/08/21/herpeslinks/ http://www.salon.com/1999/08/21/herpeslinks/#comments Sat, 21 Aug 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/08/21/herpeslinks Antopia: This is definitely the best basic herpes information web site. Most other sites are drug company-sponsored, but not this one. Do, however, ignore the banner ads that promise instant cures and just go for the straight information and grass roots discussion.

Meeting People with Herpes (MPwH): a one-of-a-kind dating service.

Mailing lists: For herpes-related mailing lists, visit this site and type in "herpes" to search lists.

Support groups: There are at least one of these in every major metropolitan city.

Links of interest

There is a webring too.

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/08/21/herpeslinks/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/08/07/herpes/ http://www.salon.com/1999/08/07/herpes/#comments Sat, 07 Aug 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/08/07/herpes I've been doing some traveling this summer, and every place I visit I pick up the local paper and read every word, down to each classified ad. Of course, there are plenty of local scandals to shake my head at, but what's been steaming up my glasses this season are the endless sex-scare headlines -- one wide-eyed, hand-wringing tract after another:

Herpes: There's nothing you can do about it!

What you must tell your kids about sex before it's too late!

You may have a sexually transmitted disease -- even if you've never had sex!

You can read this stuff everywhere from the Hartford Courant to the Honolulu Advertiser. Why don't they just bundle the headlines into one big package:

Sex makes you sick! Especially if you've never tried it!

As usual, young people are used to spur grown-up fears. We are exhorted to talk to our children about our sexual concerns, but not to have the same kind of serious chat with our adult peers. We're advised to scare kids "straight" about fleshly temptation, following the model of those former junkies, with their stories and scars from prison, brought into classrooms to intimidate teenagers on the subject of drugs. In the end, we make them promise, preferably trembling, that they'll never, ever do ____________.

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/08/07/herpes/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/07/24/summer_2/ http://www.salon.com/1999/07/24/summer_2/#comments Sat, 24 Jul 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/07/24/summer There's a heat wave in L.A. this week, and for the first time in 20 years, my bare feet are skipping over the pools of hot asphalt again, as I make my way to Venice Beach from a remote parking space in the barrio. The barrio is farther away from the beach now -- I see new paint and alarm systems on shacks we used to rent on these streets in the 1970s for $200 a month.

I'm on a solo summer vacation in Los Angeles, a trip that started out as a lark and has turned into a haunting journey via Susie's way-back machine. This is the city where I lost my virginity -- a strange phrase because I really felt like I'd found something that I'd wanted very badly. It was the time I met the friends and lovers who have influenced the rest of my life.

When I left L.A. two decades ago, I couldn't clear out fast enough -- goodbye and good riddance to the plastic pod people of this sprawling smog-filled joke. But that's not how I began my teenage years in L.A. When I arrived in 1972, it was the most romantic place in the world. Now, I drive these endless freeways and they cast a hypnotic spell on me; instead of exit signs, I see old faces: Is that Arlington Avenue, or is it really ol' Bitsy Gomez shooting her gun off the rooftop of her housing project apartment, just to let off steam? What ever happened to her, to everyone I knew?

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/07/24/summer_2/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/07/10/guys/ http://www.salon.com/1999/07/10/guys/#comments Sat, 10 Jul 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/07/10/guys A couple weeks ago, I decided to satirically respond to the needs of the unheard minority -- those readers who have had it up to here with tips on sexual enhancement and would rather find the perfect recipe for sexual renunciation. I call this new path "erotic contrarianism," and it's a philosophy that will set you free from all desire in no time at all.

But, as many readers pointed out to me, my original manifesto for a sex-free existence was geared toward female fans, especially those who have been well-trained in self-doubt by women's magazines.

"What about men?" you may ask. "Aren't they also entitled to break the bonds of fleshly rapture?" Well, of course they are! Yet, taking into account how important gender stereotypes are in ruining anyone's sex life, we must approach the male animal with an entirely different strategy from the one we use for the fairer sex.

First of all, no real man can brag that he wants to rid himself of sexual desire, unless he is considering a career in a monastery. Whereas the mature woman can freely boast that she doesn't care if she never has sex again, the manly man must at least appear to be effortlessly, and inexhaustibly, shagadelic.

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/07/10/guys/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/06/26/marilyn/ http://www.salon.com/1999/06/26/marilyn/#comments Sat, 26 Jun 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/06/26/marilyn I totally fell for it. Last week, when a package arrived with a message scrawled prankishly on the envelope, my hands shook a little. It said: "A letter from your FIRST girlfriend!" -- and my heart skipped a beat. Joelle Vidal, is it really you, after over 20 years?

The last time I heard from my "first" girlfriend, she was walking down my front steps with my green metallic motorcycle helmet, which she promised she was just "borrowing." This was the girl who taught my tongue what to do in an open-mouthed kiss, who dropped acid with me for the first time, who cursed in French and could get my kittens to do her bidding. I'd give anything to get a fond letter from her after all these years.

But no, this package was from a different kind of girlfriend, a sex symbol who can just as instantly trigger my teenage nostalgia, but one whom I had never met. Inside this envelope was a videotape and a press release announcing the comeback of none other than the most popular actress in the history of porn, Marilyn Chambers. The video is called "Still Insatiable."

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/06/26/marilyn/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/06/12/ruin/ http://www.salon.com/1999/06/12/ruin/#comments Sat, 12 Jun 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/06/12/ruin Last week I got a phone call from a popular women's magazine asking me to contribute a tip for their upcoming feature, "How to Improve Your Sex Life in 30 Days." I logged onto the Well later that same day and posted a message about it in the freelance writers conference. "I always get asked the same questions by these women's magazines," I wrote. "I wish someone would ask me how to RUIN their sex life in 30 days."

Salon's own Table Talk host, Mary Elizabeth Williams, quickly posted her response: "Who needs 30 days?" How right she is! In that spirit, I've devised a list of a dozen libido-killing strategies that any female seeker of the sex-free lifestyle ought to be able to accomplish well before a month is up.

Perhaps you're one of millions of American women who will look over my advice and say to herself: "But I've already done all this!" If so, then congratulations, and don't change a thing. Consider this tip sheet just a little something for the sisters who haven't yet figured it all out:

1) Don't admit your sexual desire

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/06/12/ruin/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/05/29/y2klesbian/ http://www.salon.com/1999/05/29/y2klesbian/#comments Sat, 29 May 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/05/29/y2klesbian A couple of weeks ago I was standing out on the sidewalk in the overflow crowd of an SRO lesbian poetry slam. It was one of those private parties held in a former storefront, booze sold out of a bathtub, smoking allowed everywhere and a small poodle running around with a ribbon around its neck that said, "Kiss Me, I'm Irish."

A young woman approached me who looked like one of those religious pamphleteers with her dark eyes burning a hole through whatever she set her sights on. She introduced herself as one of the organizers of a dyke march planned for this summer, and she asked me to appear as a speaker. I didn't know her, but I do love dyke marches -- in the bigger cities they're usually scheduled to happen a few days before the bigger, all-inclusive gay parade. They're a frisky and fierce occasion for a bunch of topless women to march down the street, chanting, "What do we want? Pussy! When do we want it? NOW!" You'll also hear more sober slogans in favor of lesbian civil rights and feminist concerns that definitely deserve a day of their own.

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/05/29/y2klesbian/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/05/15/fallen/ http://www.salon.com/1999/05/15/fallen/#comments Sat, 15 May 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/05/15/fallen Seen the latest news about pornography and children? Excuse me for being coy -- of course you have. There's not a media consumer alive who hasn't seen the urgent studies, the tearful press conferences, the agonized lobbying of the porn-obsessed.

Pornography as a topic today is all about kids and it's all about accessibility. Here's a typical example from the Associated Press last week: "Gene McConnell said he started looking at pornography at age 12, and although it wasn't something he was proud of, he didn't think he was hurting anyone. But he gradually became obsessed with it."

We all know where this is headed. McConnell went on to rape and molest young women, and now he blames his actions on the influence of porn upon his tender young mind. Today he is a spokesman for the National Coalition for the Protection of Children & Families, and is happy to share his sordid story if that means he can prevent one more smut-provoked atrocity. In his press conference he was supported by Rep. Joe Pitts, R-Pa., who chimed in with the requisite scholarship stating that "research has shown pornography contributes to sexual assault, including rape and molestation of children."

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/05/15/fallen/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/05/01/porn_start_2/ http://www.salon.com/1999/05/01/porn_start_2/#comments Sat, 01 May 1999 16:00:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/05/01/porn_start_2 In my last column, I introduced the plans for the porn-star debut of my good friend Jack, who, it must be said, had been obsessing about this moment with equal parts dread and glee. Our comrades Jackie Strano and Shar Rednour are making a sequel to their underground hit from last year, "Bend Over Boyfriend," and they asked Jack to star in their alternative look at men and women fooling around with mutual anal sex.

Jack was green-lighted by the directors based on his entirely unproven belief that he could provide erections for their camera at the crack of a starting board. But could he actually do it? I told Jack that I was sympathetic to how this experiment in personal performance art would turn out, and that I wanted to get his story, as bold and unsparing as Barbara Walters would never dare to be.

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]]> http://www.salon.com/1999/05/01/porn_start_2/feed/ 0 http://www.salon.com/1999/04/17/pornstart1/ http://www.salon.com/1999/04/17/pornstart1/#comments Sat, 17 Apr 1999 10:19:00 +0000 http://www.salon.com/health/sex/col/brig/1999/04/17/pornstart1 The first time I ever wrote about the big wide world of pornography, it was the mid-1980s and I was the "X-rated screen advisor" for the now-extinct Forum magazine. What a popular feature it was: I received enough letters to keep Miss Manners occupied for years. The questions ranged from "Who was that girl with the beautiful crossed green eyes who did the double penetration in a movie that started with an 'F'?" to "Can you recommend erotica for the very, very shy?" There was one question, though, that arrived in my mailbox almost every week: "I am a guy who would like to be in a porn movie. How do I get in?"

How to get in is indeed the question, and I'm not talking about the porn starlet's panties, but rather how to infiltrate the extremely small, elite and testy world of the men who walk the X-rated line, the actors known as "woodsmen."

Thousands of women have starred on the erotic screen since hardcore debuted in the early 1970s, but in all that time, there are only about a dozen men who have appeared regularly in straight porn. Those who joined the scene in the early days had theatrical training and/or movie careers -- veteran porn stud/director/producer Paul Thomas still makes me smile when I see him playing John the Baptist in "Jesus Christ Superstar."

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